AIBU- husbands skin condition

[Suburbandreams]

Hi all,

Need some perspective from wise MN as feeling quite dejected.

My DH was diagnosed with a skin condition 4 years ago. It causes blistering of the skin in multiple areas which has impacted on our intimacy as you can imagine.

It’s not curable, but is manageable with various treatments, as long as you keep on top of it. Here is where my AIBU comes in: he doesn’t. He was advised to stop smoking: he hasn’t. He was advised to take medication: this is sporadic. When it does get very bad then he manages it, but only when it’s at the point that he can barely be touched.

The thing is, I’ve had to accept that our sex life would be impacted as these blisters can form in intimate areas like the groin. He feels very insecure about the scarring, despite me protesting that it really doesn’t matter to me. However, my next issue is that he seems to have taken this has green light to stop all attempts at intimacy: kissing, hugging, foreplay etc. My periods are quite irregular so I track them using an app as well as the dates of sexual activity and I looked back recently to be shocked: in the first couple of years we still had sex three times a month (which was a huge drop from before) but now we are going two three months without anything. We are fairly young: early thirties, and I cannot bear the thought of this being it for the rest of my life.

I’ve tried talking to him, but he thinks I’m not being understanding by mentioning my own needs. We have slipped into this awful rut and he seems fine with it, like he has zero sex drive at all. Occasionally ( you know, every two three months!) he will initiate, but if I ever try then I get knocked back every time with “it’s sore”. Last week I asked how it was and was told it’s fine, no new lesions or blisters. So my response was: so does that mean ;) and he reacted badly.

I don’t know what to do. The intimacy has gone completely and I feel like we are roommates. To make matters worse, we have started living separate lives, eating at different times, going to bed at different times etc. I can’t see how to make it better.

Sorry, OP, but I don't see how this is going to work if he is not doing his part.
Don't waste your youth on someone who is unable to change for his own reasons.

Has he said why he isn't taking his medication? Any side effects or something like that?

If not and if he won't take it consistently then he's chosing to be in pain, which then also impacts on you. It's not wrong for you to not want this for the rest of your life.

That sounds so tough for both of you. I'd guess a severe skin condition like that would seriously affect self esteem, sex drive etc. Is he depressed? I'd prob try & have a non judgemental chat over a bottle of wine. Stress that you worry re his happiness & want you both to be in a better place so can he at least take the meds regularly & at least cut down the smoking (stressing it's other benefits for health as well) because his current approach to his skin isn't working, is it & you're both unhappy . I'd try a new activity together. (Walks, DIY, keep fit drive). I'd leave the sex for now but put in plenty of no pressure hugs, kisses,handholding etc too. Re the scarring, my old boss had bumpy scars after a barbecue accident. He was told E45 & vitamin e oil would help: & they did, hugely. I've also found aloe vera gel great for soreness & healing of my ultra sensitive skin: most chemists,superdrug have it .Worth a try . HTH.

I don't think you are unreasonable. It's like snoring - it's not the snorers fault that they snore, but bit is their fault if they refuse to try any of the things that might help it.

It's tricky though, it took a long time for me to seek help with my MH as I wanted to ignore it. But in the end, I did it, more for my DH than me because I didn't want it impacting him!!

What's the skin disease and meds?

If it's an autoimmune disease then them in themselves can make you feel crap and if he's taking dmards (Or supposed to be) I can see why he might be sporadic in taking them,some can have vile side effects.

If it's not the above then maybe he's incredibly self conscious?

What are the meds? Some come with the warning 'under no circumstances can you attempt to conceive a child with these' which can be a little offputting. And the side effects of the medications can be difficult - nausea, for example.

That's very frustrating in many ways. O think you need to have a final conversation about this - he needs to know you can't go on like this forever. If he's not willing to manage the condition then he needs to know that it might have a terminal affect on your relationship.

Thank you all, feels so good to get it off my chest as it’s not something I can really speak to anyone about so as not to embarrass DH. I think I feel relieved that my feelings have been validated- trying to be supportive all the time and not having my own feelings acknowledged has been tough.

The medication does make him feel sick, which he told the consultant but they advised him to persevere.

I think deep down maybe he avoids intimacy in case it leads to something else, which I do understand to a point. But he seems fine to just accept this and also for me to accept it.
There’s no working together to create a solution. I can think of loads of things we could do which doesn’t directly involve making him “sore”!

I do have to speak to him because it’s making me miserable and ultimately I miss him.

Will look into that suggestion, I have heard E45 works wonders for lots of things! Thank you