So fed up of life. AIBU to stop trying?

[Sleepysleepy1]

I know this post might come across as totally self absorbed and woe is me, but I feel really close to just giving up on trying to improve anything or even try at life. I don’t want do this anymore, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low.

I had a cancer scare last year and needed surgery, the treatment was successful but it went on for the best part of a year and the anxiety has never left me. I have a 3 year old DS, and at times I had horrible thoughts about dying and leaving him without a mum. Then lockdown happened and made my mental health even worse, I know lockdown was difficult for everyone but I struggled badly. I also gained around 2 stone and I was overweight to start with.

All the while this has been going on, I’ve been dealing with DS’s father who is completely unreliable and a constant source of drama. He cheated on me constantly which I wasn’t aware of until after our relationship ended, and while I was going through MH problems he cheated on me and got the woman pregnant, and gave us both chlamydia.

I tried to better myself last year in the midst of things and started at a new workplace - without getting into details, a co worker has taken a dislike to me, and seems to have made it their mission to make my work life miserable. They’ve made up lies about me and for some reason constantly undermine me to other colleagues and our boss. This is a tiny workplace so there is virtually no point in making a fuss about this, I have tried to address it with him directly but just got a load of gaslighting and faux surprise/concern. The earliest I can realistically leave this workplace is 2022/23 at a minimum, when I will have more chance of getting employed elsewhere in the industry.

I’m so fed up, I feel like packing my job in and just saying fuck it all. I’ve tried really hard to pull myself out of a hole and for nothing I’m worse off than ever, I know I’m failing DS.

Actually made an account to reply to you. You have yourself and your son and if he is happy then you are too many people worry about everything else.

In the last three years I left an abusive partner lost my now 15 and 10 year old honestly I feel like you but you have hope and you need to stop worrying and thinking about what other people do and think they mean nothing you are your life and your DS everyone says keep going but you need to for you. You can message me anytime I have days like you too it’s so hard 😭

You have been though a lot and it sounds like you've been so brave (dealing with cancer scare, leaving your partner and looking after a small child alone - plus in a pandemic). You should be SO proud of yourself.

On top of this you've found a new job and are supporting your child in difficult times.

I know you say you can't address the work bullying but maybe post another thread for that specifically. You don't have to put up with this. There will be lots of advise and support here.

Are you in a position to try and treat yourself to something small once a say. You time?

Maybe a glass of wine and a tv program while you ignore the house and focus on relaxing (it will be fine, just leave it), a nice bath with a hot cuppa and lots of biscuits etc while reading a book. Carve out moments just for you in your day and put the negative stuff to the side so you can use these moments to gain some strength.

Totally agree with poster above you need look back and be proud of how far you have come you should be proud. Walking is great headphone on 15 minutes you will feel better. Your not failing anybody so never give up.

Please don't give up, OP. You will not always feel like this and there are happy times and people who make you feel loved around the corner.

I'm sorry about your ex - he sounds like a delight - it's amazing how people so far beneath us on the ladder of life can have such a huge affect on how we feel. What he has done is a reflection of him and him alone. Allow yourself some time to break away from him and the immediate pain of what he's done.

The work situation sounds like a big strain too. Even if you don't feel it's worth making a fuss, is there someone you trust at work you can speak to about it? It might help having someone you can moan about him to, but perhaps if you ever feel it's a possibility of escalating his behaviour you'll have someone immediately on your side?)

Keep posting here, please - there are people here who have been where you are (maybe will be there in the future) and can help you. I was feeling really low before Christmas, really wanted to end things, and this week I have started to feel happy and I'm so glad I didn't make any final decisions then.

OP it sounds like you have been through a lot of stuff. I am sure you’re exhausted with it all. I think you just need to recognise what a good job you’re doing in holding down a job where you’re being bullied and having a three year old at home. Be kind to yourself