Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Partner wants to socialise with ex alone

24 replies

lizzie344 · 08/01/2021 20:18

When I first met my partner of 4 years, he had a female friend who he had dated in the past who took the start of our relationship v.badly and made things difficult, despite him describing their friendship as platonic. There's another woman who is friends with both of them (has known my partner a long time, they lived together for a while and briefly dated). When we'd cut ties with the first woman at the start of our relationship, a couple of months later my partner said he wanted to spend time one weekend one-on-one with this other female friend/ex who he also describes as having a platonic friendship with. I've never met her and after the previous drama with the other woman, I made it clear I wasn't too happy about it.

About a year ago, I found out he'd met up with her anyway but didn't disclose it to me at the time. He got very defensive and shouted a lot. When things calmed down, I explained that because of the situation with the first woman when we first met, it made me question his judgement of whether his friendship with his other friend/ex was platonic. I said I would feel much happier about the situation if he could organise for the two of us to meet his friend together (I've never met her). Then I could perhaps get to know her and would feel better about them spending time together one on one. He said he'd try to organise a date but then immediately sounded like he was prepping me for disappointment, saying things like she doesnt like meeting people, she probably wont be able to afford to go for a drink etc. In the end, we never met.

This afternoon, my partner casually dropped into conversation that he's planning on seeing her for a walk tomorrow. Now we're in lockdown, it would just be the two of them.

Aibu to feel upset about this? I dont believe there's anything going on and i'm very sure there arent romantic feelings from my partners side. But from experience, I think he can be naaive to other peoples feelings and what with never having met this woman (and him seemingly not wanting to organise for us to meet), something feels off.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 08/01/2021 20:33

He’s a dismissive secretive conniving twat.
So he met the first ex in secret then had the nerve to shout when you found out?? Do your self a favour and dump the shit.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 20:35

Oh OP this is positively over run with red flags. If he's not cheating (which I think he is TBH) then he's crossing a serious line and disrespecting you completely. Poor you what a shit he sounds

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 08/01/2021 20:36

It’s an easy no

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 20:38

He's playing you for a fool. Dump the lying twat.

ShalomToYouJackie · 08/01/2021 20:39

yanbu, he has no respect for your feelings or boundaries, lots of red flags here

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 08/01/2021 20:43

Just dump him now, you'll be saving yourself future heartache.

Illy605 · 08/01/2021 20:49

With the absolute greatest of respect, you are being taken for a complete mug! Why would he get so defensive and shout at you if nothing was going on? I don’t believe for a second there’s not more to this, his excuse for you both not meeting with this “friend” is ridiculous. Open your eyes and see the massive red flags, you deserve better.

Youcunnyfunt · 08/01/2021 20:51

I think you’re being niave about how platonic he thinks these relationships are. That’s what he’s telling you.
It’s not normal to have lots of “platonic” relationships where the other party doesn’t like your partner having a girlfriend, or doesn’t want to get to know you. That’s not platonic at all.
Sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear, and if you were a friend I’d give you a huge hug and tell you to dump the prick.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2021 20:52

Wake up and smell the coffee, fgs

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/01/2021 20:53

Yanbu. I have no problem with keeping in touch with exes, am still good friends with 2 of mine. And I also have male friends. I sometimes do see them alone due to circumstances (though not very often as it doesn't seem appropriate). But my partner is always more than welcome to join in with any meet ups, and if I felt the ex was being anything other than friendly and inclusive towards him I would not continue to see them. In a serious relationship you put your partner first.
Your partner is being dishonest and I would not put up with that.

Yuppie20 · 08/01/2021 21:06

Totally going against the grain here but I think its unreasonable to expect him not to have female friends that he can go and see, the same applies to you in having males friends. I've been with my partner for 7 years and I'd never say he can't meet a female friend for a chat or coffee, one of which is an ex. I think if your in a healthy trusting relationship it shouldn't matter. Its about having respect in your relationship for each other. You have to think of this a red flag for yourself if this is such a problem for you and whether the relationship is going somewhere.

I don't condone the lying but he may have just been scared to tell due to your reaction and really wanted to catch up. I think it does change the dynamic between friendships when the partner is there, he may of just needed to blow off steam.

Wheresmykimchi · 08/01/2021 21:14

Yep I am also going against the grain. The second one sounds OK ish.

TheStoic · 08/01/2021 21:20

He’s not naive.

MsDogLady · 08/01/2021 21:48

OP, I think you have another current thread about how much your Partner worships and white knights the 1st Ex/Friend while treating you with disdain. If so, he recently shouted at you and shifted blame when you tried to express your feelings and concerns about this. He also has history for drug/alcohol abuse, financial abuse, and blowing thousands at a strip club.

With regard to this 2nd Ex/Friend, he is again treating you with utter contempt. You’ve set boundaries and he is happy to trample all over them.

You need to leave this sneaky, arrogant loser. He prioritizes and pursues other women. This is a toxic relationship model for your child to grow up observing.

wineandroses1 · 08/01/2021 21:54

His getting defensive and shouting at you is a red flag. And going ahead with his twosome walk, refusing to let you meet her, knowing you won’t be happy about it is another big red flag. He doesn’t care what you think. He’s not a keeper.

jacks11 · 08/01/2021 22:32

I think you don’t get to decide who he can be friends with and who he can’t. You don’t think he has feelings for her, so even if she does have feelings for him then surely that’s her lookout? Your dislike of his friendship does not trump his wanting to have this woman as a friend. Why are his views not important to you?

I can only imagine what would be said on here about a man telling a women who she can be friends with and who she can see or talk to.

You can decide whether you trust him or not. If you don’t trust him to a)have a female friend; b)meet a female friend for an outdoor walk, then I think you need to take a look at your relationship snd whether you want to continue it. If you don’t trust him, then your relationship is on a Rocky foundation.

MissMarpleDarling · 09/01/2021 01:50

He knows exactly what he is doing......

Bangable · 09/01/2021 01:53

Oh jesus, really OP? More red flags than a communist parade...

Mally2020 · 09/01/2021 02:11

Totally inappropriate, as above said as an adult in an adult relationship he is more than aware of his actions , it is manipulation and deceit. You have made your feelings aware from day one and he is not taking them into consideration, rather his actions are selfish. Who in their right mind is close friends with an ex for the sake of any future relationships etc. It is beyond bizarre that he isn't prioritising you and rather an ex fling, does it not make you wonder what he has possibly told her? the idiot that has commented about him being friends with who he wants, yes thats reasonable, but his persistance to be 'friends' with that specific ex or any exes in general is unusual, how can you focus on your current relationship when your attention is on a previous relationship. He is lying to himself by leading both women on.

gannett · 09/01/2021 07:40

Another going against the grain here - in fact I think OP sounds very controlling, especially regarding the second woman with whom there seems to have been zero sign of drama or continued feelings. If he lied, it was because you made an unreasonable request. He shouldn't have lied, he should have left you.

Goddamn if ANY bf had EVER told me who I could or could not socialise with in any way - ex or not, one-on-one or not - they would have been an ex themselves so fast they wouldn't know what had hit them. Red bloody line! If they don't trust me, they don't need to be in a relationship with me.

peak2021 · 09/01/2021 08:22

Inappropriate. If there were children or step-children perhaps OK, but then there would probably be formal arrangements anyway.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2021 08:28

I will also go agrainst the grain. In isolation , I haven’t read the ops other threads, I don’t think it’s ok to dictate who your partner is friends with and demand to be able to meet them before they can spend time together.

Shouting isn’t ok, but I don’t think your behaviour is either.

Either you trust him or you don’t op, using the fact that some ex took it badly that you got together as a way to ensure he can’t have any other female friends unless you veto them isn’t ok,

possumgoddess · 09/01/2021 12:45

I have an ex who is still a very good friend that I have met up with - and even stayed the weekend with, while in a relationship with my DH. It was not a platonic relationship with my ex - but my DH has absolute trust in me and knows I have no interest whatsoever in starting anything up again with my ex. If he had even suggested that I shouldn't be able to meet my friend I would have been very surprised and quite upset - and it may have led to me reconsidering our relationship. I don't approve of your partner lying to you but perhaps he did so because he knew what your reaction would be?

CakeRequired · 09/01/2021 13:04

Oh jesus run away op and don't become yet another ex he keeps in the wings to boost his ego.

One of them took you being his new girlfriend badly. You have to think why that is. He's leading her on and making her think she still has a chance. You can be friends with exs but not if they are still in love with you. That's just cruel. He doesn't care about her feelings, only his own.

Stay with him if you want, but it's a big mistake.

Flip