Partner staying up for hours despite newborn

[Sheera1]

Hi. We have a new born who is 8 weeks old today. My partner refuses to come to bed at a reasonable time with me. I don't mind the odd night but I go to bed alone every night. I have tried staying up late with him till 1am but he will still just stay up an additional hour or two and with night feed and not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time if I am lucky I am just knackered.

He has been off work on holiday so in my opinion really taking the piss. We have no sex life as he is quite a prude so if it doesn't happen in the bedroom it doesn't happen and he and I are never awake in bed at the same time now.

I have talked to him about it repeatedly which has led to arguments and he tries for the next day maybe but then back to normal.

He is also drinking a lot again. Stopped as he becomes a mean drunk and I was finished coping with it when pregnant and he gave up but started back in moderation when I gave birth. Over Christmas it is back to him being grumpy and going through motions during the day till he can finish doing the shopping or whatever it is so that he doesn't need to go out again and can crack open a can. We are lucky to get to lunch.

Last night I had had enough and despite staying up yet again past midnight he refused to come to bed. It escalated into an argument with him telling me that I wasn't any fun anymore and where was the party girl he had got together with and I am the boring one from Downton Abbey (which I had been watching during day feeds) who is boring and always runs the fun for everyone.

AIBU to expect him to come to bed and show some support with me and the baby? Frankly I couldn't care less about being called no fun because I won't get trashed and stay up till the wee hours with an 8 week old.

YADDNBU....

He is also drinking a lot again. Stopped as he becomes a mean drunk and I was finished coping with it when pregnant

I think this might need expanding on.... in what ways "mean"?

He's an alcoholic.

I'm sorry you're married to him. You're need to have a calm discussion during the day. If he refuses to even acknowledge your point of view, you should quietly start planning the end of this marriage when the baby sleeps a bit better and you've got an independent source of income. He is doesn't sound like a good partner from this description. Stay strong.

Why does he need to go to bed when you do?
I have a 9 wk old, I sleep when the baby sleeps S I’m feeding, why drag my husband along if he wants to stay up. As long as he pulls his weight in the day why would I care?

The drinking is a separate issue you need to address.

As for your sex life...you have a newborn, is this really an issue?

Tbh sounds like you are paranoid he’s checked out of the relationship and this isn’t about bed time.

I’m with @Moomin12345

Policing when he goes to bed is weird.

Sex only at bedtime is weird - if you want to fuck, ask him to come fuck you and see what he says.

Not wanting him to drink because he's a mean drunk is absolutely not weird at all. That's your real problem.

Leave the bastard. A "mean drunk" is a euphemism for an abusive man who uses alcohol as an excuse to be abusive.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/alcohol_and_domestic_violence.html

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

For your sake and your baby's, get away from this man.

Does he contribute anything to your life /that of you dc's except bump up your bills and add to the laundry?

He's likely staying up until he knows you're asleep, so he can watch porn and wank. My ex did this and he was too prudish to admit it until I caught him at it, years later.

• DH and I have never gone to bed at the same time. I would get v cross if he tried to police this.
• except that he’s an excellent dad and has always been hands on. And wouldn’t dare to speak to me like that or ask me to be a ‘fun party girl’ eight weeks postpartum.
• And he is not a mean drunk person with an alcohol problem.

I think what time you go to bed thing is obscuring other more serious issues.

What are the benefits-if any-of staying with him? Do you he’ll somehow be a lovely non-alcoholic dad once little one is more aware? Is he going to miraculously transform?

Theres obviously a reason he's staying up later than you, which is why he always seems to stay up even later if you are still up ... My guess is porn as PP said.

I never go to bed at the same time as DH, I'm a morning person, he's a night owl. It's not a problem, we do our own thing. Lack of sex at 8 weeks post partum isnt unusual either. Lack of sleep, dealing with a baby and birth injuries are some of the many reasons. No major marriage problems there.

What is absolutely a problem is drinking all day, every day. Even if hes not watching porn he probably has impotence from the booze. Being a mean drunk sounds like a huge red flag. You need to focus on this issue, do you want to stay with him? Is it safe to stay with him? Would he consider getting help?

Fucking hell this is bad.
Firstly, I don't think sex is recommended u til at least 12 weeks after birth?
Secondly, you should leave him. He is going to be useless.
You really need someone to take on a leading, helping role not putting you down weeks after you've given birth.

@Horehound you can basically have sex as soon as you stop bleeding. That was 3 weeks for me, i checked with the GP and everything.

Oh right. Gosh

I don't think I had sex with my husband for 6 months maybe more! Too tired haha

@Horehound

Oh right. Gosh

I don't think I had sex with my husband for 6 months maybe more! Too tired haha

I was knackered, but I'd been sick every day of pregnancy so we hadn't done it since conceiving, i was absolutely gagging for it!

I think your issue is with him drinking rather than staying up, no? It would be for me anyway... Doesn't really matter when he goes to bed as long as he's not too tired to help out with the baby.
Definatly does matter if he's too drunk or hungover to help with the baby. Especially if he's a mean drunk... It doesn't sound like he takes fatherhood very seriously if he wants you to be a fun party girl 8 weeks post partum

When your husband is coming to bed is the least of your problems. I fear you have some very hard times approaching. His drinking should be a deal breaker.

When my EX did this he was using online dating / sex websites unfortunately.

Same circumstances- new baby. I had to sleep early as I was up a lot at night. I'd go to bed, he'd not appear until hours later if at all.

We are nearly divorced 😁

Is he actually doing any parenting at all of his child?

I would say the alcohol is the most concerning part. Is he helping you out with baby at all? I don't see the issue with him staying up if he is, I'd be annoyed if DH kept going on about what time I went to bed, I have insomnia and never fancy lying in bed listening to him snore for hours just so we can go up together and maybe or maybe not have sex. I used to do the late night feed and he would get up in the morning though so it worked for us. Sounds like the time he goes to bed is the least of your worries.

Doesn’t sound t like he’s that into young orb that he isn’t bothered about being a dad. How long had you been dating before deciding to try for a baby? Was he keen to start a family with you, or was this an “accident”?

What were your (plural) expectations when you were both having unprotected sex, with regards to parenting? Surely it was discussed and planned, so has this drunken ejaculator gone back on himself, or are your expectations of your boozer boyfriend too high? He sounds like he couldn’t give less of a shit about the kid, so at least you know what to expect in future, and to get excellent contraception for next time he wants unprotected shags.