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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to complain to hospital

124 replies

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 14:17

I don’t know what I think, so voting will be about him:
YABU - he’s wrong to complain
YANBU - he’s right to complain

Some of you might remember my thread the other day about being a crap mum. We recently found out my 13 week old has a very obvious 90% tongue tie. It’s been causing all sorts of issues since he was born, from very painful gas, to acid reflux, vomiting, lack of sleep, struggling to eat and a slow on growth.

3 people checked his tongue tie ( 2 midwives and my HV) and I saw 2 doctors who didn’t check it and dismissed my issues. Twice I tried to contact the infant feeding team to ask for help as I was having problems with him and twice they didn’t get back to me (I received a text but they didn’t follow up). They are the ones who would have done the division if discovered under 12 weeks old.

We had to pay for a lactation consultant who spotted it and now have to drive him 2.5 hours to the next county to get the division done privately and then back again.

Today I have spent all day just trying to feed him. He’s hungry and he’s tired and he is struggling to eat. I also think this has massively given me confidence issues and not helped with how I’ve been feeling, which is very down and like a terrible mum.

DH wants to put in a complaint. When the team at the hospital checked they did a brief look in the mouth, just visual they didn’t use hands, declared he was fine and moved on. DH doesn’t want money, nor does he want anyone fired but he thinks it should be flagged so that they are more thorough in future to avoid anyone else having to go through this.

I’m not sure what I think. I’m upset about everything but mistakes happen and the hospital are busy with lots of babies and it’s Covid.

What would you do? Would you say something or just leave it?

Please don’t pile on, DH is upset at seeing his son in pain and discomfort and I am very down and exhausted.

OP posts:
Wakeupin2022 · 08/01/2021 16:39

Musical sadly it might not solve reflux issues.

It didn't for my two I'm afraid.

hollywoodstar · 08/01/2021 16:39

Definitely say something - it might help the next person.

Original poster
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 16:41

@ancientgran she has had a strong career in midwifery and breastfeeding and now specialises in tongue ties so we’re confident she will do a good job. I’m told there’s no pain and it heals well but he will need to suck every 3 hours to get things working as they should.

OP posts:
FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 08/01/2021 16:42

I've just come on to say, and please pay attention:

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM.

Thank you.

FippertyGibbett · 08/01/2021 16:43

If it makes him feel better then complain.

Original poster
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 16:43

@DobbyTheHouseElk thank you! Today has been hard because he’s struggling to eat but once it’s all done and we get on the right track I will definitely look at getting some support for me, I know I’m not okay. Thank you for your kind words!

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 16:44

@Wakeupin2022 we’ve just got omeprazole too, so hopefully we’re getting there!

OP posts:
Crappyfridays7 · 08/01/2021 16:44

Doesn’t surprise me if I’m honest all 4 of mine have tongue ties and weren’t picked up. Youngest is worst and has some speech issues due to it. Did manage to breastfeed him and ds2 though but having it spotted and a division early would’ve really helped.

I’m also a paeds nurse and I’ve flagged up quite a few tongue ties at work as I know what I’m looking for which helps for babies who have come in with feeding issues/reflux etc I’d say complain too. Complaining is part of our learning process, it’s not to get people into trouble it’s to educate and learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them/do things differently so if people don’t complain how will we know? I don’t see it as a bad thing in your case and tongue ties are so common. Hope things go well on Sunday and wee one improves, it might take a while as tongue is used to feeding one way and he will need to re learn so if you’re breast feeding you may experience pain and he might struggle but hopefully that’ll improve. You sound like you’re in good hands now

Wakeupin2022 · 08/01/2021 16:46

Good Luck with that! We had that with my youngest as his reflux was bad.

It did take away a lot of the pain although was really distressing giving it to him. But it definitely helped.

Original poster
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 16:47

@FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue thank you for saying that. I’ve punished myself so much, I know I need to get some help to change my mindset and sort myself out. But we have had a rocky start as he was in and out of hospital at the beginning as he had to have light phototherapy for jaundice and loads of blood tests, so it’s just been a bit constant! But I know we are lucky in comparison to other parents so I shouldn’t complain!

OP posts:
unbotheredbutbewildered · 08/01/2021 16:49

If COVID-19 wasn't around I bet you'd complain in a heartbeat.

You pay taxes for the NHS to treat your child. You should complain because the NHS failed you and you've had to go private on top of that. Not everyone can afford that.

COVID does not mean they should miss something - especially when a healthcare professional has said it was so obvious. Imagine what they could miss next if they're not challenged about their poor quality care.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 08/01/2021 16:51

I work for the NHS and I would complain. It’s not that you want any compensation but I think it’s good for practitioners to get direct feedback to reflect and improve on practice.

I’m sorry you had a poor experience and yes, services are stretched but you repeatedly asked, and weren’t given help and support when it was needed, and that should be addressed.

I had a case recently where I listened to a patient’s experience and I encouraged and supported her in making a complaint because she was traumatised by what had happened to her (nothing major but a catalogue of minor errors). She recently received a letter of apology which included a brief outline of new measures the department had made to ensure it doesn’t happen again. She felt she had closure to her experience and had helped her heal emotionally.

GypsyLee · 08/01/2021 16:51

Definitely complain.
That's so out of order, and they should reimburse you for having to go private.

ancientgran · 08/01/2021 16:52

Good luck. I hope it doesn't hurt, I had a lip tie cut and it hurt like hell. I was old enough to complain about it and get pain relief. It was many many years ago but I remember it well. My DD also had it done. It is funny as I didn't know anyone with tongue tie but lip tie seems to run in my family so I think there must be some genetic link at least in some cases.

wildthingsinthenight · 08/01/2021 16:55

OP you are a great mum.Flowers

My son's tongue tie was picked up by me while in hospital. No one else noticed it.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/01/2021 16:58

It is really common. My friends to her child to the GP and queried whether they had tongue tie and the GP said 'so you just want me to cut their tongue with a knife?' in an incredulous tone. They had never heard of it and were sarcastic to my friend. The baby did have a tongue tie issue that was picked up when she went back to hospital. Not enough is known about it. Hope your tongue tie issue gets sorted soon. My friend found baby wearing upright in a soft sling was very helpful.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 08/01/2021 16:58

OP you used your maternal instincts and you knew something was wrong. That’s a good mum that does that. Be kind to yourself, you are doing great.

Viviennemary · 08/01/2021 17:01

You have the right go complain. You raised the issues and were ignored. Not on. Hope things improve soon.

Staffy1 · 08/01/2021 17:02

Yes, complain. Things like this need to be flagged.

neverundersold · 08/01/2021 17:10

Definitely raise it as a concern via PALS. I have had cause to do this during the pandemic. Like you I wasn't looking for punishment, compensation or people losing their jobs just the reassurance that the circumstances would be reviewed and lessons learned. It took a long time to receive a response and the pandemic was noted as a reason for the problem. However, I was told that the treatment fell short of their usual standards and the issues raised would be discussed within their team to see if they could ensure no other patient was affected in the same way. This was enough to give me comfort and peace of mind. I hope all goes well with your little ones surgery.

GingerNorthernLass · 08/01/2021 17:14

Yes, speak to PALS. It does need to be raised so that the issues are addressed and staff/management learn. It could be any number of reasons why it happened. Perhaps the staff need more training? Perhaps they are understaffed and rushing patients through (highly likely).

bigbird1969 · 08/01/2021 17:15

I agree with others about reflux. My sons got worse following the tongue tie snip. However ranitidine was our life saver

MandosHatHair · 08/01/2021 17:15

YANBU, this happens to far too many families, even before Covid and it's unacceptable

TheFerretsSleeping · 08/01/2021 17:18

I would. My ween guy still has a younger tie after it wasnt picked up untill 8 months. Could be causing his speech delay. Waiting for appointments now. Never mind the fact he was such a unhappy baby and I was going mental. Do it so other families don't have to go through it all.

IceBearRocks · 08/01/2021 17:22

My DS admitted after a complaint to PALS ( seen by a paediatrician from the ward in A&E...sent home) .... on hospital for 10 days ...putting on and off antibiotics ..lots of sad faces from Drs .... (my son is severely disabled and non verbal) .
No listening to mum....(both DH snd I had same chest infection) .... DS deteriotes and is intubated due to Pneumonia and Sepsis. Moved to big hospital and intubated for 2 weeks..... extubated for 13 hours...then re-intubated for a further 8 days (white out on a lung) . While there ignored by dieticians....his tummy stopped working and hasn't worked since...now Jej fed. This is despite us complaining that ds was not absorbing feeds.
Now we have a kid...yes he is alive...yes still disabled but much more delayed than previously ( had to teach him to walk again) but now idls attached to a feeding tube for 22hours per day.

Made complaints ...got us nowhere..... try to make a difference.....
My son nearly died twice.... thanks to me he didn't!
Drs are great ...but mums know their kids!