Please help. Not having children for medical reasons

[ttcgrief]

Posting for traffic. I am mid thirties and with DP for over a decade. For the past six years or so my health has been declining, partially due to endometriosis, partially post viral fatigue and suspected fibromyalgia. I have had surgeries and various treatments that help very little. I also have depression and anxiety in no small part thanks to my physical health.

DP and I have always wanted a child, but by the time we were financially stable, my health was bad. In the past five years we discussed TTC when I 'felt better' which turned out to be never. I function best on the mini pill, sleeping or napping as much as I need. This gives me enough energy to do the housework and work from home as a photographer and editor. If I have to get up at say, 8am and stay up, I will be physically ill by the afternoon (either a migraine and needing sleep, or chills, shakes and diarrhea).

I came off the pill a short while ago to try and conceive because my energy levels were fairly good. I was OK until the first period and ovulation this past week. I bled for 12 days and then got horrendous ovulation pain cramping in my whole body, vomited and had diarrhea and chills. I have been in bed since and unable to eat. I am already underweight. I was able to have sex once before I felt sick, but I never want to feel this bad again after everything I've been through. I know, deep down, I am not well enough to carry or raise a child. I have discussed numerous times with DP and he wants me to do what is best for me but I can tell he is devastated and would love for me to push through. I feel I need to be realistic, I have everything in me to be a good mother but it would be foolish too think I can cope with lack of sleep and everything else that comes with parenting, especially if my body has been through pregnancy.

Has anyone else made a similar decision, and how did you grieve the child you couldn't have? I feel because I am making a choice, it is my fault and I can't bear to see my DP sad. He is kind and caring but I know he is deeply upset.

We have spoken about adoption in the future, if my health improves to an acceptable level, but there's plenty of time to think about that and I know it will never replace what we have lost through my illness.

I would really appreciate guidance on how to heal from this.

Hopeful bump.

Hi @ttcgrief

I’m sorry I don’t know the answer but didn’t want your thread to go unanswered so here’s a further bump.

The only thing I would say, is that could your husband take on as much of the “parenting” as possible to enable you to get all of the rest you need? Don’t forget that you don’t have to do it all if you were to go ahead. Obviously he can’t do the pregnancy for you but after that it’s not all on you.

Could you afford for him to be a SAHP for example?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have experience of your exact situation but I do have experience of infertility. I do know it is possible to come to terms with not having children when you wanted them. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. Gateway Women, an organisation for childless women, can be very helpful. Sorry I haven’t been more helpful but you have my very best wishes. 💐

This is tricky, I suffered severe hyperemesis in each of my 3 pregnancies (like wanted to die unwell).
Im routinely asked why i kept doing it, and the answer was the extreme desire to have children BUT i also knew there was an end point to it, as soon as I gave birth i felt amazing.
Its also worth noting that i coped (slightly) better in my first 2 pregnancies which were in my 20s as apposed to my 3rd which was in my 30s so as you get older i think in general pregnancy becomes more trying on the body.

I really do feel for you, having suffered an illness every day for 9 months at a time i have a small understanding of how utterly helpless and depressed you feel, its easy to say to someone to try and push through and if this was something that was shorter term for you I would tell you to try and do the same.

Try to imagine your life as it is now with a toddler on the go from 7am - 7pm, could you cope, if so push through.

I really am sorry xx

Sorry that sounds really tough.

Like a pp said, how much parenting would your husband be able and willing to do? There's plenty of single parents out there who do it all themselves so I can't necessarily see why you two as a team couldn't raise a child?

Also, would your finances allow you to buy in help? A cleaner perhaps, or a mother's help or nanny? Plus other chores outsourced like a laundry service?

I was told I wasn't well enough to have children due to having extremely low lung capacity and other severe chronic illnesses. I have 2, but they were both born severely premature (pre 29 weeks) and spent 2 months in NICU, the pregnancies nearly killed me but I pulled through with a supportive respiratory consultant and obstetric consultant working as a team.

My DH does 50-60% of child related care, particularly heavy lifting and showers/baths. The most physical stuff. I did breastfeed both for a year but DH helped with bottles in the night to allow me to rest. Now I'm the one who does reading, crafts, puzzles, fancy dress and role play. The less physically impactful stuff. We have a happy and fulfilling life.

It's doable long term if your partner is able to do the lions share of the work. Can you do anything to improve your health like lose weight or try and build some gentle fitness stamina? Hard to start but will help long term.

But it's a very personal choice and it doesn't sound like you're particularly keen? Sorry if that's wrong I'm just reading the tone of your post.

This sounds such a hard place to be. I work with a family who had a similar situation and they used a surrogate and now have a healthy baby that is biologically their child.
Could this be something to explore ?

What kind of support/ family network do you have around you? Would they be likely to assist at all?

Can you do anything to improve your health like lose weight or try and build some gentle fitness stamina? Hard to start but will help long term.

The OP has stated she is already underweight.

I feel for you and your partner, OP. What do you say to someone who is facing unwanted childlessness? As someone who is infertile I sympathise, but I've never been in a position to have to accept it won't happen. I suppose that's why my instant reaction is to try to think of a way it could happen, like adoption and your partner taking a lead role, but I guess that's not helpful. I guess you'll already have given thought to potential ways forward.

It's not your fault though, OP. I felt guilty for my infertility and I imagine it's fairly typical. I'm sorry you're going through this

Not quite the same as you but I became ill in a very similar way to you when DS was 6m old. DH does a lot, I don't work and DS is in nursery three days a week to give me the chance to rest. We know that we wouldn't cope with another, and I've grieved over the subsequent child/children I thought I'd had. I do think it's important to be very honest with yourself about what you can cope with.

Also, if something happened to your DH and he was doing the lion's share what would you do? We have critical illness insurance/life insurance for this.

I've also thought if my health allows it I'll look into fostering/adoption. I don't know much about it but I have a close friend who was fostered and then adopted and the people that helped her are incredible.

My husband has fibro. I know he finds it all extremely hard as the sheer sensory intrusion of young kids is massive. There's no question just being present with the children is debilitating for him since they are so noisy and unpredictable.

Even if your husband is willing to do the lion's share of the work (as I have often done) it is a struggle. It's also very hard to agree to do the lion's share of work when you have no real idea of what it will be like. It's definitely caused major resentment issues in our relationship. Since at the end of the day I have to manage my H emotional needs as well.

Honestly if you're not beyond desperate to have kids I wouldn't recommend it.

I have no experience to add but wondering if you have ever looked into consulting with a dietician to maximize your energy levels? I don't know much about it but I know they can look at conditions and relate food to maximise your health.
Also, agree with pp about a cleaner or mothers help if funds allow

My medical history is similar to yours. In my case the endometriosis meant I had to have IVF anyway.
I have always had help with my children. I saved and saved and got a maternity nurse 2 nights a week for the first 12 weeks so I could sleep properly. I also spent a lot of money on a sleep consultant so both of my children slept through the night early and were in a solid routine of daytime naps so I’d get proper breaks.
I always had help with cleaning and childcare, still do now that they are 6 and 3 years old.
My DH is very hands on and a great dad but has a demanding job so cannot realistically do more than his share.
So basically what I’m saying is, I made it work by paying other people to fill the gaps made by my illnesses.

Really sorry to hear about your health struggles OP. Agree with PP, how much of the hands on parenting is going to be left to you alone? People with M.E. or CFS often see an improvement in symptoms during pregnancy and for a few months postpartum but obviously there is no guarantee.

That sounds such a difficult position. I have spent most of the last 16years as a single parent to 4 children. I also have a chronic health condition - including partial paralysis and spinal issues. I risked my life ( and ended up with HG and in ICU) with my last.
I think you're very sensible to think of all factors. I manage by essentially pushing through a lot of the time. I also pay for a cleaner, which takes a huge weight off my mind and allows me to save energy.
Would your husband be able to take a lot of the burden? Perhaps be a SAHD? Could you afford a maternity nurse?

Lots of advice here on how you could make having a child easier. But I want to say: it is ok to say no, that you cannot physically or mentally cope with having a child. Having a child is a mental, physical and financial sacrifice and there is nothing wrong with saying that you need to protect yourself and not have a child.

Have you thought about finding a counsellor? In situations like this it can be really helpful to talk to someone who is not invested in any particular outcome, just there to listen and help you to understand your feelings.

What sort of treatments have you had? You also mention having anxiety and depression. These can make you feel physically ill, but are treatable. Are you taking any medications?

I agree with a PP about having a dietary overhaul. Diet can make a huge difference to a person's health and wellbeing. Do you take any vitamins, minerals or herbal supplements? I had terrible chronic fatigue at one point and was in despair, but taking rhodiola rosea totally transformed me and I recovered after a few months. Probiotics can help with chronic diarrhoea. Have you looked at any food intolerance?

I hope you find a way to resolve your feelings on this. What a tough decision for you. As a PP said, I somewhat understand what it is like to be very ill for a long period. I had hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy and it was totally debilitating. (At it's worst I flitted from wanting to die to feeling like I was dying.)

I don't know much about endometriosis.... but a few things I'd look in to are how would endometriosis affect your pregnancy? Would the debilitation you have from that improve at all in pregnancy? I ask because, although a totally different illness I had an awful flare up of asthma and although mostly better by pregnancy by consultant suggested I might feel better in pregnancy as the natural level of steroid increases.

Also, I don't know what triggers your migraines but I suffered from multiple migraines a week, and I didn't get any whilst pregnant. I was lucky. They can improve or just stay the same. So might be worth looking at that too.

With regards to when the baby is here, as PP have said are you in a position to have paid help. Either private nursery during the day from as early as you can, a nanny, night nurse, cleaner etc. Whatever you think would help most.

I think you are making the right choice. A hard choice, and a very brave one to make but it the right thing to do for yourself and for any future children.

If you pushed ahead and irreversably damaged your health, how would your DP feel about parenting alone? He may be resentful. What if he left or had an accident? How would cope alone?

Alot of children are child carers and it is tough on them. I know you must be devestated but it is a good decision to make. If in 10 years your health improves then you could perhaps look at other options to have a family.

With regards to the post viral fatigue and suspected fibromyalgia... Is it definitely that rather than chronic fatigue syndrome? Also, either way, does your NHS trust have a service for these conditions? My trust does, the GP can refer CFS, ME and fibromyalgia patients to the service for a course of sessions. A mix of education around the conditions, CBT, mindfulness and physiotherapy.

Have you spoken to anyone professional about this? They would be able to advise you better.

Also your SH needs to realise he will be needed to do a lot so as long as he's okay with that and the doctor says it's okay I would try.

Not quite the same but I made the decision not to have children because I suffer from very severe, debilitating anxiety. I have coeliac disease and my partner has various illnesses in his immediate family. I don't feel I could morally pass those genes down to another being. Not to mention the implication of having a child on my own mental health. It's just not worth it for me. My DP isn't fussed. We've always agreed 'no children' though, so it's not a shock to either of us.

I'm so sorry for you. For different reasons to yours, a year ago I also had to make the decision not to have children that I desperately wanted to have. I find I tell people about it less often now because the default from other people tends to be "Have you tried this, have you thought about that" etc, and I found it mentally exhausting to have to almost defend my choice. People will remind you about how you can enjoy your freedom, go on amazing holidays, get pets, enjoy children of friends and family and be able to hand them back - it's all well intentioned but doesn't help.
I would advise you treat it like a bereavement, you are grieving for someone you wanted to be in your life who is now no longer there. Perhaps go for counselling. Most importantly, be open and honest with each other, and allow each other to come to terms with it at each other's pace.
I think I will always feel some amount of grief, but as sad as it is, for me there was definitely a sense of relief that came from making the decision final and allowing myself some acceptance. I hadn't realised how much the wishing/hoping/wanting had consumed all of my thoughts until I decided it was no longer possible and I could think about other things.