Who is BU about self-isolating? DH or me

[L3andlosingit]

DH feels the kids and I should go to my mums while he isolates in our family house after an overseas trip.

DH went overseas midDec as his mum was sick. She died on 30th. Everyone is very emotional. He will return a week after our oldest’s (primary age) birthday and 4 days before the anniversary of our son’s death near the end of this month.

We live in a small 3-bed house. One kitchen. One bathroom. Two primary age children. No spare room. We both have wooden shed offices in the garden.

I am CEV. My mum offered to put him up for 10 days isolation. I told him about this offer and he flipped out for ‘telling him how to live.’ No, he will come home and Isolate here so he can have all his stuff and be in comfort while he does so. My mum’s husband is CEV too. But the room being offered has an en-suite and the suggestion was that we move his work laptop there, she delivers meals to his door and he can Isolate in that room.

We both need to work FT to pay the bills. I am self employed. He works for a large financial company. If I don’t work I get nothing. Last lockdown we split the childcare as his employer agreed he could be part time. Then in the summer then his work said no. I worked through every bit of savings I had trying to manage the kids and work. It nearly broke me and I was recovering in October and November with very little work or income (I have lifelong health issues that cause fatigue). Btw He decided he could not teach the kids during his ‘shifts’ with them in the first lockdown. That was all put on me.

Over Christmas I was laid out on Christmas Day because of my fatigue. The dinner burnt because I was on the sofa flat out exhausted. I could not get up to sort it and with the best will in the world our kids are too small to understand or help much.

Back to today. DH will go through 3 international airports on his way back. He may be taking precautions but he’s in the US and I don’t believe he can be confident he’s safe if he’s been to shops. Which he has.

DH is furious about the idea of going to mums. Apparently I can’t plan his life and tell him what to do. I wasn’t. It was a suggestion trying to be practical with this upcoming situation. Apparently I do this all the time. From my POV he does very little family management and I’ve given up asking for help (him being away has had zero impact on the state of the house. It’s genuinely no different. The only practical change is I do every bedtime). If he feels like I organise stuff, then yes maybe I do. But that’s because he never has e.g. he flat out refuses to tidy up after the children, only his own things (and then not always).

DH feels the kids and I should go to my mums while he isolates in our family house.

The other factor today is that I also have to work. I’m self-employed. No sick pay. No guaranteed income. I have to hustle for every new project.

In anger I suggested he should isolate here with the children (so they have all their stuff) as if he won’t go I’ll have to go. At least I can earn that way.

But I know if I leave the kids he will just be a grumpy bastard to them the whole time. He also has to work so he will leave them in the house all day while he’s in the shed.

We both have to work. We can’t be in the same house while he isolates. The kids need to be considered. It’s a hard time for them too - their gran died, the oldest’s birthday before dad gets back, anniversary of other sibling’s death, lockdown and homeschooling with no spare laptops (Who has a bloody spare laptop?! But that’s another thread)

Who is being unreasonable? (And what should I do?)

From a Covid risk basis he's best off at your house alone given he's coming from the US and traveling through multiple airports especially, your mum's husband is CEV so even staying in one room you are introducing unnecessary risk to their household. Also if you go there with the children, you get help with them from your mum while you work, you wouldn't if your husband went there you'd still be home alone with them.

Your husband sounds like a selfish arsehole but that's a separate issue.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure that doesn't make things like this easier if you're going to be apart for the anniversary.

You need to tell him you're concerned for yours and your children's health and that you understand why he wants to be at home. He likely wants to be there so he can continue to grieve peacefully somewhere he knows. However, that's not a safe option and he's going to have to get his act together and stay at your DM's. Sending him to a hotel is risky for staff there and for him getting food/medicine etc. The only safe option is your DM's.

Unless there's a way he can isolate in your home and stay far away- seperate bedroom (even if that means converting the living room to a bedroom for a few days), either seperate bathroom or strict cleaning before and after use, food delivered to his room.

Surely logically it makes far more sense for you and the children to go to your mums?

This means that

1. You are with your family, which will be support whilst you are homeschooling and working
2. Both ECV people are together, and the whole household containing 2 families can mix together inside, but stay safe from outside.
3. No one has to live cooped up unable to leave their bedroom.

Surely you see that you and the children living with your own mum and having the run of the house is a much more pleasant proposition that your DH living with his inlaws and being restricted to staying in his bedroom 24/7, with none of his things there? And he's just lost his mum!

generous offer from your mother - but him being there would put her at risk, you're both being unreasonable.

Let him isolate in his shed? Failing that, he has one of the bedrooms, you share with a child or put the children in together. Leave food outside bedroom, he sanitizes bathroom when he has used it.

I think the best thing would be for him to permanently isolate himself at a different address. He sounds awful OP.

He can pay for a second test after five days isolation:

This is from the Sky News article about how all arrivals will need a negative test, as well as isolating:

"Regardless of their test result, all passengers arriving from countries not on the government's travel corridor list will still be required to self-isolate for 10 days.

They will have the option to reduce their quarantine period to as little as five days by paying for another test on or after the fifth full day since travelling to England."

Why are you with him?! If this was just now I'd say give him a break given he's just lost his mum. But he sounds like a prick in general. I mean, never helps you out, never cleans up after the kids. Your incomes seem seperate?

Once you've given him some time to grieve, id be having a good conversation with him about how your relationship goes forwards and the minimum expectations of him. He needs to step up, it's not fair on you.

With regards to who isolates at your mum's house, I'd just go with the kids. Your dad is CEV so it makes sense you're both there and your mum can hopefully help you out and give you a break x

The rules are to stay at home except for certain stated circumstances, none of which meet the criteria you have mentioned.

It is madness for anyone to move in with your mother as she has a CEV husband who should be shielding. You should be shielding too if you are CEV.

Just do what others do. Stay at home. Either sleep in a bedroom with a DC so that your husband can stay in your bedroom. He will have to work from there rather than in his garden office (unless he wishes to sleep in his garden office too).

Sort your relationship out after he has finished isolating.

What a horrible man.

I hope you find the courage to leave for good.

Sorry but I just can’t get over the mention of you having to spend all your savings. This isn’t right, OP.

Thanks for all your feedback

I should say he was not here at Christmas. He had already been gone for nearly two weeks two the burnt dinner was because I was doing it all myself.

I am in a bubble with my mums house. Her husband and I are both shielded and we have food delivered. She is helping me by having the children two days a week from this week so I can work. The other 5 days I’m working/solo parenting like everyone else.

I totally get the point that his grief is a big part of this right now and that I should go to my mums for all the reasons you’ve said.

The problem is I don’t think it would work to have the kids there for 10 days. Her husband (mid70s) couldn’t cope with the intrusion.

Yes I am shielded for the ones who questioned this. I have gone nowhere except my mums (in bubble) since before lockdown. It is tricky organising my son’s birthday next week but i know it’s tricky for lots of people. I’m not having a pity party about that.

I am glad it’s not just me who thinks his reaction was unreasonable. I sometimes question myself about how I feel about his behaviour. Same goes for the lack of contribution around the house. I’m shocked at how little difference it has made that he’s not here. It’s making me think.

The self employment thing is relevant because I don’t have a salary. Unless you’ve been self employed you’re unlikely to get just how hard it is to wear all the hats for a small business and keep money coming in each month. I need to find new clients, do the work, manage the admin, sort the taxes etc. I do all this and have managed to raise my income to over his in part time hours around my health and the children but it nearly broke me in the first lockdown. I delivered some projects in September and then my brain melted for two months. I am just picking up new work now and if I don’t keep this balling rolling we won’t have enough to pay our bills.

As I do all the finances he doesn’t see just how hard I work to keep things together for us. He does a 9-5 and thinks that is all that’s needed. So if I can’t work because I’m homeschooling the kids we will be in big trouble. I feel his employer should agree to him being part time again like first lockdown but that’s another conversation. The focus right now is how to survive the 2 weeks when he gets home.

Again thanks for your constructive comments. Lots to think about.

You do need to keep th kids op because if he catches it and gives it to them, then it could get messy,

As said, You’re both arguing about who goes to your mothers, if he goes it is pure shit, he is basically jailed for ten days.

If you go then you can socialise with them. But if your mothers partner struggles you can always go out for walks, or spend time in your room. Ask him what he thinks. It’s also your mum.

Personally I’d not have wanted to go stay with my in-laws and would fight tooth and nail not to spend ten days in a spare room alone with meals delivered to my door.