Feel like I'm being unfairly compared to colleagues who aren't in the same position as me

[WorryingAtHome]

I work in a small company where I am the only mother, plus I'm a single mum to boot.

There are dads, but they have their wives looking after home learning.

I am trying to juggle work and making sure my primary aged DC are at their computer and learrning. I'm working the whole day, obviously with some interruptions, and doing extra work in the mornings and evenings to catch up.

But it's hard and stressful and I get the feeling from my boss that he thinks I'm not working as efficiently as my colleague sitting at home with no distractions. No shit! But I am putting in extra hours and dealing with a whole load of other things here.

I don't know if pointing this out to him is going to be helpful. This feeling I have eyes on me is making things harder than they should be.

I realise my boss has a business to run and that I should be fulfilling my obligations but I genuinely am.

What have they said? Are you sure you aren’t other thinking?

I'm not over thinking. My boss is quite open about his expectations and in pointing out who he thinks is doing well and who isn't. It just adds to the pressure. I'm not someone who usually fails but I feel like a failure in this situation because even though I am getting my work done it's clearly not meeting his high expectations.

Honestly OP - every time he alludes to you not doing as much, correct him and explain what you are doing and and when, get through this period and then look for another job. My line manager has been very accommodating of the fact that I am homeschooling and working full time. Yours should be the same - and realising that he’s got someone highly competent in his team because she is managing so much at once. Life is too short to work for people like him.

Pfft. You can only do as much as you can do, and a good manager will willingly accept your need for temporary flexibility. An indifferent manager will tolerate it. A piss-poor manager will be crappy toward you.

Maybe this week you aren’t performing in your work life as well as some of your colleagues are. It’s called “being human” I think...?

I often feel like this. It's so hard when I have to choose between being a 'present' parent and being a good employee. Usually it's not possible to be either, which is why we feel like failures.
No advice just sending thoughts!

If you otherwise like the job (if you don't, follow the "look for another job" advice) then rather than allowing this to become a saddle sore, why not have a heart to heart discussion? Along the lines of "I may be being a bit paranoid (that's a get of of jail free card for the boss to disagree with you) but I feel that people think I'm maybe not pulling my weight because ...xyz.... and I thought it would be best to have a good chat about what my responsibilities are and how I am meeting them. Then if there is anything that I'm supposed to be doing or doing better, I can address those issues because I am really keen to do well". If you then get the brush off, and nothing changes, either you really are paranoid, or you really do need another job. But equally, if there is some misunderstanding on either side, you can sort it out and then get on with the job.

In my experience, although it's not always true, men are often just very bad at saying what they mean, if they mean anything at all!

What has your boss said about your performance? Are you sure it is not your own insecurity causing you to feel like this? (As you haven't mentioned anything he has said to make you feel like this).

Good advice from Moondust001.

We’ve just had end of year reviews (large corporate) and it’s definitely been recognised in ratings etc that some colleagues have gone above and beyond performance wise whilst other colleagues have had a less good year because of childcare or other caring responsibilities. It’s a difficult one because I think the colleagues who’ve over contributed do deserve some sort of recognition in terms of doing well out of discretionary pay (bonuses) for example. However I think it needs to be done in a way that does not criticise or downgrade those who’ve had more life challenges to deal with. If I was talking to my boss about this I think I’d also acknowledge that I understood some are free of constraints and that enables them to contribute more effectively in the short term.

You are putting extra hours, so you are working differently, no less.

Do not bring your colleague's situations to your boss, it's really not up to you to mention their wives and their family situation.

What do YOU think about your work? (I dont' mean that in a nasty way) If you are not that efficient during the day but catching up mornings and evenings, do you still feel you are behind?

Is there anything that could be done differently? We don't know what you do and what the deadlines are. What could be done better, what could help you?

My school (private) offered good remote learning from March, including live lessons. I wasn’t able to do many live lessons as I had a toddler at home (childcare refused to take her as we work from home). I lost track of how many meetings we had where someone would say ‘but why isn’t every lesson beginning with a live input’ and I had to point out that some of us had toddlers (and others primary age pupils they were trying to homeschool too) and you cannot just ignore a toddler for 20 minutes, or even 5. It drove me up the wall. So I think you’re probably not overthinking or imagining it OP. I just kept saying ‘I can’t do that, this is what I’m doing instead’.

@WorryingAtHome

YANBU!

It's actually horrible being a working mother sometimes.

When I was working, full time AND part time, (when DD was a child,) I would have the TEMERITY to leave ON TIME, at 5pm, when I was meant to, so I could get to the childminder for 5.30pm.

Every fucking DAY, my boss or another colleague would say 'going already?' And one would say 'whizzy pattilou is here, shooting out of work like shit off a shovel at 5pm, while the rest of us stay to finish off!' (And other similar sarcy bastard comments.)

Fucked me right off it did. I had my work done, and I was finishing at my FINISHING time. I wasn't slacking off.

I also got berated for being ONLY 3 to 5 minutes early for work, when everyone else was ten to fifteen minutes early. The more annoyed I got, the more they did it.

And like you OP, all my colleagues were in a different position... They had no school-age children, or they had a relative (partner or parent,) looking after their kids and not a paid childminder who they had to get to for a set time.

Really glad to leave that place I was.

Good advice from Moondust001.

I had an open conversation with my boss along the lines of “although I won’t be able to be logged on 100% of the time between 9am-3pm due to home school commitments, I will more than make up the time by logging on earlier and/or doing an extra bit in the evenings.”.

I got fed up with a work colleague today who said “we’re all in the same boat”. Actually we’re not as she lives with her parents who look after all household chores, cooking and cleaning etc for her child while she works part time.
I on the other hand have to homeschool 2 kids (one with SEN) whilst working full time and run a household - ITS NOT THE SAME!

OP I'm doing this too I'm not yet because I have got active COVID but all going well, next week it's me single parenting a pre schooler (3 yo), home schooling 10 yo and doing my job. I'm dreading it actually. My boss is very understanding but we are a small team of three. My boss doesn't have any children, and my other colleague has a wife and only one child who is 11. It's the pre schooler who stops anything happening, I'm going to be asking around for tips. Last time nothing really helped and I ended up with my eldest getting no decent education, my work was sloppy and my little one upset and bored 😑

Our new chief people officer has openly stated in a recent wellbeing talk that her view is that each employee should be judged/graded on how well they've coped alongside their own unique circumstances throughout the pandemic.

So, all other differences aside, a full time working mother who is homeschooling yet has only achieved A B and C may be judged far more favourably than, for example, a full time working employee who has achieved A B and C but also achieved D E and F.

Whether this will be what actually happens in our appraisals is a different story, but that's the recorded view of the CPO.

Send the a**hole this.. that should do it

Thanks everyone.

It's not a job that can easily be done during standard working hours when things are normal. I'm used to putting in extra hours and have done my whole career but at the moment it's just not possible for me to go above and beyond. I can't compete with younger, childless colleagues and with a single income I can't afford to cut my hours to relieve the pressure. I just keep reminding myself it won't be forever.

To be fair to your employer your circumstances are not their problem, and the better supported employees are almost certainly a better investment at the present time.

The way to equality is not to drag them down but lift you up, unfortunately in current circumstances that may not be possible and you may just have to accept you cannot meet the standard expected by the team at present. Once covid passes and you can contribute equally to your colleagues things should become easier again.

Of course your circumstances are your employer's problem. Schools are shut. Parents, particularly mothers, are having to look after children. If employers don't realise this and be flexible, not only wont they have too many employees left, but they will have to face up to the fact they are complete shits.
Sure some bosses are complete shits but most aren't. Most bosses and companies don't want to shaft the people who work for them.
I'm sorry if you have a bad boss. But please don't be afraid to explain what you are doing. I would talk and email so there is a record.
And if you are a boss, please , please help your employees when you can (which in my experience is most of the time).