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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum - am I being fair re shopping?

19 replies

Lottie4 · 07/01/2021 11:14

Lockdown in March I did all my Mum's shopping and delivered it. The process took approx 2.5 hours due to queuing, having to keep phoning my Mum as items not in stock and I knew she needed suitable replacements to get her through, and delivery.

This time around, numbers are shooting up in our immediate area and I really can't face going to Tescos (I have two high contact jobs and that's as much I can cope with). I can only get an Iceland delivery so I've said I'll get packs of veggies and we'll just split them equally between the four of us (being on her own she wouldn't eat a whole pack) and to be honest I've said she'd have to be flexible over not having fresh baked bread/having finest items. At the time she said food is food and didn't seem to quibble. The only thing she wants on the order are tinned tomatoes - she went to the local shop yesterday and will be going to M&S.

She's 80. I know I've offered, but feeling guilty she's going on the bus and into town. On the other hand, I know mentally it's good for her to get out.

OP posts:

BalconiWaferAddict · 07/01/2021 11:21

YANBU to offer to do her shopping in a way that you can accommodate and limit your own exposure - 2.5hrs is madness. It’s her decision if she would rather go out and get her own preferences.

That being said we are in the middle of a lockdown and she should just make do with what can be offered. There isn’t really anything you can do to force her to stay home but I get your worries 💙

Ilikewinter · 07/01/2021 11:25

Please dont feel bad, youve offered and been more than reasonable. We do MIL shopping and often end up going to 3 supermarkets to get here very specific items, it drives me insane.

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2021 12:43

I have been doing the same as you since last lock down and my father insists that he go to his local shops to find what I can't get, e.g. his favourite brand of bread!!! You are doing the right thing.

Canwecancel2020 · 07/01/2021 12:49

We have found our local grocer and butcher delivers to the vulnerable, plus our veg box company sells basic household items and food cupboard ingredients. There’s no reason why she can’t get the basics easily, but you can’t be queuing all over town to buy a specific brand of biscuits etc

orangenasturtium · 07/01/2021 13:22

Have you looked at the Morrisons food boxes, both for yourself and your DM? They also have a free next day delivery phone order service for the elderly, vulnerable and self isolating - 0345 611 611 option 5.

www.morrisons.com/food-boxes/?utm_source=FoodToOrder&utm_medium=Internal&utm_campaign=HeaderTab

My DM is the same age and I would be discouraging her from going out at the moment. I'm not suggesting that you spend 2.5 hours shopping for her but I would be trying to find a compromise.

We were able to get a weekly priority slot with Tesco for my DM. She wasn't an existing online customer but she does have a clubcard. It's worth checking with all the supermarkets to see if you can get priority access for her.

It's also worth checking UberEats, Deliveroo and the one hour delivery services like Sainsbury's Chop Chop, Waitrose Rapid, Co op Quick Shop, etc to see what is available in your area. We have Waitrose, Co op, M&S Simply Food (at BP), Aldi and Whole Food Markets on Deliveroo here, as well as lots of independent convenience and specialist shops/delis/bakeries. Amazon Fresh and Amazon Groceries are also worth a look.

pepsicolagirl · 07/01/2021 15:15

Surely at 80 she would have been offered priority slots at local supermarkets!? My mum can get a next day slot at pretty much all of them as and when she requires it. Might be worth a look?

Hardbackwriter · 07/01/2021 15:23

Argh, I was part of a community group helping get food/prescriptions for shielding and elderly during the first lockdown and this was such a recurring issue - so many people (I have to say, mainly the very elderly) who were not willing to accept anything other than the exact brand they had specified. It was a particular issue because we were all volunteers and in some cases people were refusing to pay for the shopping if it wasn't exactly (and I mean exactly) what they wanted, so people were in essence paying money to help them... There were also people who wanted shopping done at least three times a week, insisting that it wouldn't be fresh enough otherwise. I thought at the time a lot of the problem was that they hadn't actually been in a shop under lockdown, so didn't quite know what they were asking, and (at the time, with a lot of empty shelves) how unreasonable it was to be quite so picky. Your mum might feel a bit differently after a few times of doing her own shopping, if she really insists? I think you're totally reasonable to say that you won't go back to a 2.5 hour process!

Janedownourlane · 07/01/2021 15:46

It can be very difficult doing shopping for someone else, and reading this reminded me of my attempts to do online shoping for my elderly mum. She wanted Hellmans mayo, but the only one I could get was in a squeezy bottle. She told me never to buy it again, she'd thrown it out as she didnt have the strength to squeeze it. It was only weeks later that it suddenly occurred to me that she hadnt unsrewed the top to remove the foil seal!
She now insists on going to her local shop every day, which is a worry partly because of covid, and its been so icy. She'll end up in hospital with a broken bone, and however guilty I feel, I cant stop her.

EagleFlight · 07/01/2021 15:51

Could you not do a one off shop to stock up on tinned tomatoes and anything non perishable for her that Iceland don’t sell?

2bazookas · 07/01/2021 16:24

Tesco online food home deliveries are excellent, we've been using them since March. Why don't you set up a Tesco account, do her shopping online and let Tesco's deliver it to her door. She can tell you the shopping list by phone.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/01/2021 16:28

You’ve offered to help and if she chooses to go out then that’s her choice as an adult. It’s not your responsibility so don’t feel bad.

I think the availability of priority slots depends where you live. I’m in the clinically extremely vulnerable group and despite being on the priority slot register I have to book a lot a week or two in advance with any supermarket just to get one and they only offer all day slots which isn’t convenient when you have to go to bed early due to medication and fatigue and then they can deliver up to 10pm...!

SadderThanEeyore · 07/01/2021 16:32

If you can't get priority just do click & collect.

PussyCatInChristmasStockings · 07/01/2021 16:36

It's a battle you won't win.
She's aware of the dangers, but is prepared to go on the bus to buy tinned tomatoes, etc.
Keep providing what you can and if she decides to go out for the odd thing you won't be able to stop her at least she won't be in the shop for too long if she's only getting one or two things
You could buy her some hand sanitiser and make sure she has some masks, but other than that...
Please don't feel guilty.

Sinful8 · 07/01/2021 16:39

@Lottie4

She's 80. I know I've offered, but feeling guilty she's going on the bus and into town. On the other hand, I know mentally it's good for her to get out.

But now you know what she needs and what substitutes are fine from last time so it shouldn't take 2.5 hours

Sceptre86 · 07/01/2021 16:45

She is an adult making her own choices. By going out everyday not only us she putting other people at risk but herself too. She is being selfish. Don't feel guilty.

Have you not considered doing an asda, morrisons, tesco order and having it delivered to her address or a click and collect? Or is it very difficult to get slots where you live?

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/01/2021 17:03

You know from last time what things she will accept as substitutes. The mutated strain of the virus is reported to be 70% more transmissable. Why would you let her expose herself to risk unnecessarily on public transport transport? No point feeling guilty. Remove the guilt by doing the shopping instead.

QueenArseClangers · 07/01/2021 17:35

As an aside, we’ve found, in general, that Click and Collect spots can normally be booked in the next few days whereas the delivery ones are not available for weeks.

Bloody love click and collect, I do both ours and my elderly DM’s shopping.
I have separate bags ready in the car so I can pack DM’s the drop off in my way home. Plus there doesn’t seem to be any waiting around and fannying about worrying like with delivery.

PurpleMustang · 07/01/2021 18:06

I feel sorry for you OP, damned if you do, damned if you don't. What i can't get over is where older people insist on certain brands and 3 shops a week so things are fresh. Yet would talk us down about after the war and rationing! I could get the 3 shops a week as a reason to go out, exercise, fresh air, conversation but not now. Its like they have got so used to things being a certain way and are too damn stubborn to change for anything, even a pandemic

Hardbackwriter · 07/01/2021 18:17

Its like they have got so used to things being a certain way and are too damn stubborn to change for anything, even a pandemic

I got a bit frustrated about it too but one of the other volunteers said, very wisely, that some of it was about trying to control and keep 'normal' what they could after they'd been thrown into a terrifying situation where they feared for their lives.

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