Hello all. I have a DP who has gradually made it so that it's difficult for me to express any real choice or negative feelings. It's really hard to explain. If you have read the thread on here by the woman whose partner is being a dick about their home office, it's very very similar to that: mine isnt as much of a dick in that with that office situation, it wouldnt arise because he would see how unreasonable that is and he would have offered to share from the get go, but it's similar in that any arguments or different opinions, he would just shut me down.
He is very docile and easy going in everyday life so sometimes I think I must just be either difficult or absolute massive doormat
There are small things where over the years I have just let stuff happen because if I try to fight back he will either
A) Gently reason and I'm too much of a doormat to stand firm, or
B) If it gets heated he will just blow up and shout and then storm off to stay with a friend which basically means I cant start any kind of deep unpleasant conversation because it feels like I dont have a voice. Do you know what I mean?
Everything is done to his preference. Even where we live, but also just small stupid things but it should give you an idea.
Example 1: we both smoke and before I met him I would always smoke inside. Before you judge me: I know it's not great but it's what I've always done, making sure to air afterwards etc.
When we moved in he decided we wouldnt smoke inside. Fair enough. But what bothered me is that on NYE I had made us a big meal, we had champagne etc, and I said to him we should smoke inside that evening as a "treat". He refused and I found myself basically begging. I was actually shocked at myself. Again I know there are loads of anti smokers on here and I get it, but I'm talking about one night when both of us smoke. I just didnt think I should be pleading with him over this when I had always done what I wanted up until then.
Example 2: He does all the cleaning, I do all the cooking. I earn more than him but we share finances. He only works 20 hours a week because he "works to live not lives to work" (his words). Okay, but he always forces us to go to Aldi or Lidl. Dont get me wrong, those are both great for basics. But I dont know about you, but the ones near me, they dont usually have what you always need. So for example last week one recipe I wanted to make needed chorizo. There was none in Aldi so we had to go to this organic shop nearby. That suits me better anyway because I prefer to spend more money on higher welfare meat and just eat less of it (he is the opposite).
So first of all I was a bit pissed off that as usual we were messing around going to different shops because he is too tight for us to just go to Sainsburys or whatever. But then when we get to the organic shop, the chorizo there was very expensive. I would have just bought it, but he was making such a big deal out of how outrageous the price was that I just let it go and reorganised the recipe.
Those are the small things where he would do the reasoning that wears me down thing. Sometimes I just think - god you are such a killjoy. Why make me fight to smoke indoors on NYE? Why make me fight to buy some fucking chorizo? I dont know though maybe I'm being unreasonable there?
The bigger blow ups and shutting down happen when I Express unhappiness with bigger things in our relationship. I can start really calmly and rationally and he will just fly off the handle shouting and being like "yeah it's all my fucking fault isnt it! I'm such a terrible person! You know what, fuck this!" and storm away.
So I end up just not really expressing things I would like to change.
This is all really surprising because before him I was pretty "feisty" and "defiant". I'm not sure what has happened along the way but I know feel quite worn down and subdued and I dont like it 
I really dont know how I've become like this but it saddens me.
In the summer I have a new job and I will be Taking Back Control 😂 I cant wait. The new job is really exciting and will involve lots of changes. However in the lead up to that and telling him I would like to start "practising" finding my voice again. But how do I do that? I feel like I need to start small. But how?
I think even if it ends (which it feels like it might) for the sake of future relationships I would like to get back my voice in subtle ways here so that I can kind of "retrain" myself to do that, so that later down the line with other men, I dont find myself in the same situation.