Birthday sweets at school

[Maxine3477]

In my son's class at school there seems to be at least 1 birthday every week and, despite requests from the teacher, parents keep sending in sweets/cakes/other edible treats to hand out to the other children.
There's my child and a couple of others in the class who don't have pork (or pork gelatine) for religious reasons, as well as various children how can't have milk and who have various allergies etc.
This is exactly why the teacher asks children NOT to bring edible treats to hand out on birthdays. When it was my child's birthday I send little toys for the other children rather than anything edible.
A couple of times recently, parents have sent sweet containing pork gelatine, so these have been witheld from my son and the other children who don't eat pork and they've been given a substitute treat instead. In the mind of a 4 year old, my child sees it like "Why did other children get sweets and I wasn't allowed any?" Sees it like some kind of cruel punishment.
This is causing such a headache, why can't parents just listen to the teacher's request not to bring food? AIBU to be annoyed about this?Any other Jewish or Muslim parents in similar positions?

YABU. Why do other kids have to miss out because of your religious beliefs?

Well it seems like some kind of cruel punishment to me too and quite unnecessary. I think it was one of Theodore Sturgeon's characters who spoke of a society where flim was a forbidden food but flam was fine.

You can pick any food and make it forbidden and it works to create a division between people.

It is the responsibility of the person creating the division. If you come to my house and say "I'm not allowed to sit in chairs" then you may feel excluded by the rest of us getting comfortable. It's your right not to sit in chairs, but if your legs get tired that is down to you.

@10kstepsaroundthegardenthen I'm just going to echo exactly what @CrotchBurn said. It's part of life and you either teach them to be resilient enough not to break down crying over one little sweet, or you set them up to have a nasty shock when they join the real world.

The negatives outweigh any very slight positives overwhelmingly on every front.

@Kezzywezzy

The negatives outweigh any very slight positives overwhelmingly on every front.

Please do explain how

[quote CrotchBurn]@10kstepsaroundthegardenthen
So you want to protect your kid, and then what? They get a job in an office, its someones birthday, theres cake passed around, and they have to excuse themselves to go and cry in the bathroom because there's eggs in the cake and they cant eat eggs?[/quote]

Not my point.

One of my dcs has an allergy, the birthday treats that she doesn’t get don’t bother me or her because she knows not to expect to have anything, but I do get pissed off when there are class activities/treats that are planned by the teaching staff/PTA/whatever and she ends up being the only one not able to take part. I have said countless times over the years that I’m happy to send an alternative if anything is planned so that she can take part too but only once has anyone ever sent a quick note at the beginning of that week to check something. I think food activities/treats should be stopped in the classroom anyway, our kids get marked as to whether they bring in a healthy break or not but the amount of haribo that gets sent home is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s just our school but the awareness of allergies other than peanuts is just nonexistent.

We are likely to be in a similar position and at 4 my dd will ask if something is halal or not. We have told school haribo type treats are off the menu for our kids and they provide them with an alternative. It would be nice if other parents at least thought to ask if there are any dietary requirements so that my kids are not left out but clearly for many parents on mumsnet that would be too much too ask.

I'll mention this because nobody else has, but corona.
Don't be passing round cake at the moment.

I'm torn because I understand what you are saying but conversely kids love giving things out to celebrate their birthdays. My kids school invited parents to let them know specifically if their child shouldn't get class treats and could send in a substitute to be kept in school - this I think is a balanced approach. Also where there's allergies it is different to those choosing to avoid foods and the school always made sure that they were catered for specifically eg if a parent asked if they could bring cake in, the teacher would insist that 2x dairy & gluten free portions were needed (as cake is vegetarian to start with it's easier)

I know several who say children can bring fruit to share , but this makes its own issues .

I once had a parent who asked if she could bring in a cake, I naively said yes, so she brought in a huge fancy personalised bakery cake, plates, napkins, cups, candles, juice, a camera, and a granny and two aunties. She unfortunately forgot a knife and was most put out that I didn’t have a knife to hand in my teachers table! Completely disrupted the last half hour of the day . After that I refused cakes, but did allow sweets. I would have preferred to say no to sweets as well, but it was the culture in the school.

Like others have suggested, having a stash of alternatives for Muslim / vegetarian /restricted diet children is a good idea. I see no problem in the school sending out the message via newsletters and putting it on their admissions information sheet as well.

There’s nothing wrong with sending in treats for a birthday FFS is this really what we’ve come to as a society! I used to LOVE this when I was a kid and people weren’t such total snowflakes!

There is an issue with parents not being considerate though! Unless a child in the class has such severe allergies they will react to the mere presence of an item (in which case of course no items containing that should be sent) then it’s not hard to pick up suitable alternatives for children with allergies or restrictions. Every supermarket has a good free from section nowadays!

The issue is parents not being considerate NOT kids having treats to share for their birthdays!

[quote CrotchBurn]@10kstepsaroundthegardenthen
So you want to protect your kid, and then what? They get a job in an office, its someones birthday, theres cake passed around, and they have to excuse themselves to go and cry in the bathroom because there's eggs in the cake and they cant eat eggs?[/quote]
I think just because a 7 year old reacts that way, which would be actually developmentally quite normal, doesnt mean that will happen in adulthood. Children don't need to "toughen up" if they have a restricted diet. I guarantee you that they face plenty of disappointment and missing out of foods without needing to learn the lesson in school.
I'm coeliac and often cant eat the treats during someone birthday in the office. It doesn't bother me and when someone remembers me by adding something GF its really lovely. I'm only annoyed when lunch is provided during training days and I'm either forgotten or get some tomatoes and lettuce in a bowl while everyone else has lasagna and chips.
I would prefer to teach my children to try include everyone rather than go "well they better get used to being left out, to hell with them I'm having my fun and that's all that matters". I dont understand parents who are fine with giving out sweets when they know some can't have them. It makes no sense to me.

The biggest issue is that it's terrible for children's teeth and weight to keep having sweets and to develop the celebration = junk food association. It teaches that junk is a reward rather than other food stiff that we eat less frequently.

I dont understand stopping children doing something for religious reasons but that's mainly as I'm atheist.

With my DC they knew from a very young age that some sweets were off limits because they contained gelatine and alot of parents were very clued up about which child had a particular allergy so even though they'd only be sending a chocolate box to be shared they'd always send a sweets selection as well
On the odd occasion that something with gelatine was given I would just explain to the DC and it was no problem.
Explain to your DC why they're not allowed, it won't be as big a deal as you think and they probably won't even notice that they're getting something different than some the others.
Our teacher stands at the door with the tubs and each child takes one as they leave. I've definitely seen her offer the other box to a little boy who has a dairy allergy

I agree OP. I have a child with allergies. Its absolutely devastating to a 4 year old whenever all their friends are getting something and they can't have it ! I've left substitute treats in before so they can have something in the case of this but sometimes they've ran out of substitute treats and therefore the child has to miss out.
There really is absolutely no need to be sending cakes and sweets and treats in on a birthday ...if you want to do that just hold a damn birthday party (in non covid times) in covid times we shouldn't be sharing stuff about anyways seeing as the kids aren't even allowed to bring a bag or pencil to school to reduce the risk of spread!

EndoplasmicReticulum considering my child and his best friend lick each other at playtime, I'm not going to worry about someone passing out some cake!

YANBU even more so as there are several children with perfectly reasonable requests from their parents.

@viques

I know several who say children can bring fruit to share , but this makes its own issues .

I once had a parent who asked if she could bring in a cake, I naively said yes, so she brought in a huge fancy personalised bakery cake, plates, napkins, cups, candles, juice, a camera, and a granny and two aunties. She unfortunately forgot a knife and was most put out that I didn’t have a knife to hand in my teachers table! Completely disrupted the last half hour of the day . After that I refused cakes, but did allow sweets. I would have preferred to say no to sweets as well, but it was the culture in the school.

Like others have suggested, having a stash of alternatives for Muslim / vegetarian /restricted diet children is a good idea. I see no problem in the school sending out the message via newsletters and putting it on their admissions information sheet as well.

A colleague of mine in Reception had a parent turn up in the morning with a loaf of bread, tub of margarine and some cheese. She asked her to make some sandwiches for her child's birthday. The teacher was so gobsmacked at the CF she did it but I wouldn't have.

Our old headteacher was really strict about this. No sweets/cake/treats to be sent in for birthdays. If you want to send anything, send in a book for the library, which then had a sticker put in the front to say ‘to celebrate little johnnys 7th birthday, We hope you enjoy reading this book’ or something along those lines. I thought it was a lovely idea, especially after a few years, when younger child brought home books that had been donated by eldest friends.

Once the headship changed, the idea was lost and sweets started to return. 30 children in a class of competitive parents can be a nightmare. We’ve been sent the Family sized bags of sweets home (The size that would cost £1.50ish to buy) to ‘celebrate’ a child’s birthday. I’m In no way the sugar police at all, but it’s so unnecessary. Many reasons why children don’t need a bag of sweets every other week From school, religion And the gelatine issue is just one of them.

Some of these replies are so joyless.
The poster who checked the contents of her son's party bag, and removed the tattoo.
Jesus

I had a party 6 month ago for.my 8yr old. I kept record when parent replied to.confirm.of actual allergy or preference dietary. To make sure i had basically a halal/vegan friendly snack table. But over the years as my older has adjusted friend she has halal or vegan friends. I alway sent in little bags of skittles. They halal and vegan friendly and and bag of harribo jellies. I understand the restriction Of cake and depending.on ages most kids actually know what they can and can't eat.but I completely understand the stress of catering to certain people. It's extra stress myyoungest school understand these pressures and actually keep snacks appropriate on.site as and extra if parents don't send appropriate snack for the certain children in their class x

When parents stop handing out bloody party invitations in the playground to everyone but two children I’ll stop handing out the sweets. ‘You’re not coming to my birthday’ is a GREAT way to start the day!!!!
Seriously though, sending in toys for everyone, sweets, cakes whatever JUST DON’T. I have two Jehovah Witness children in my class and this whole birthday fiasco is something I refuse to deal with. Letters had been sent, emails sent, I’d asked parents and still it didn’t stop! So, the last time the sweets came in I took them straight to the staff room. When the parent complained they got 10 barrels from me. It’s all stopped now! Funny that.