Since the first lockdown was lifted I've been finding myself questioning my marriage (7 years, 14 together) I was relieved when I went back to work in the evenings and at weekends, found myself trying to arrange evenings out so I could avoid being at home and felt dread when I had to be at home.
This went on for a while and he noticed how distant I had become, I got a bit drunk one night when I went out and it all came spilling out about how I wasn't sure if I loved him and wanted to be together.
Several months on after agreeing for us both to try making an effort I still don't feel any different. I like him, I don't hate him although I dislike him a lot when I ask for space and he keeps pushing on but I still find myself dreading spending time with him, anything physical, a hug, touch has me pulling back.
After so long together and with 2 small children I'm not deluded in thinking we should be swinging from the chandelier's but shouldn't I want to snuggle on the sofa with him? Shouldn't I miss him when we spend time apart and feel happy when he gets home from work instead of the dread?
It doesn't help that when I told him my feelings he got really upset but he got clingier and more paranoid. We use Google maps to share our location and at one point I turned it off because he was always looking to see where he was but that made him more paranoid. He was convinced there was someone else and I was doing all sorts even though he could see where I was pretty much all the time. At work, at home with one or both children, at the gym with one child or meeting my friends with the kids. I rarely go anywhere exciting, I went for walks when the gym was closed or I stayed at home, again keeping my map on. Pre second lockdown if I went out I dressed down after he made a comment about me dressing up previously because he felt like I was on the pull. The whole behaviour just made me drift further away.
I'm a bit stuck on what to do, I think deep down I want to leave, I feel trapped, especially with the lockdown and keep looking at houses and have arranged to see some. I'm worried he will put up a fight with the kids, he can have them as much as he wants but realistically they need to live with me because he can't do any of the school or nursery runs. I was thinking 4 with me, 3 with him and we will alternate weekends so that he gets one free and so do I. We figure out the school runs by him picking them up from me after work, taking them back to his for the night then dropping them off with me the next morning. Do that 3 nights a week alternate weeks, the weekends he picks them up from me on his first night and drops them off again to me the morning after his first night.
I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing because as people we get on and co parent well, will I ever get that feeling back again like he's the one person I want to spend time with instead of avoid?