Annoyed at nursery. AIBU

[Readysetcake]

DS is 2 .7 and has gone so well with potty training over Christmas- was off nursery for three weeks.

He does need prompting in the day but if I ask him every half hour or when I see him dancing he eventually decides he does want a wee and goes (only potty hates toilet). He tells us he wants a poo and goes, though it takes him a few attempts as he seems scared of the feeling.

He went back to nursery yesterday and they said he refused the potty got upset and just had accidents so they put him in a pull up at 4pm. But they had only used one spare change so I don’t believe that and think they just have caved earlier. I think they have set times for nappy changes and offer the potty and if he says no they just don’t mention it again. They don’t seem very supportive and want him in a pull up.

Is this normal for nursery! Am I expecting too much? It just seems a shame as he was dry and in pants for almost a week at home. But maybe I’m being U. Especially in these pandemic times and just need to go with the flow?

Honestly, I think you’re making a lot of assumptions based on one day. Little ones can be so different an nursery than at home, I think you need to give them and him a little more patience.

Our DS was potty trained in the first locked down but reallly struggled at nursery, having many accidents per day for a long time. Some days the y also put him back in a pull up so that they could all get on with the activities. We had a holiday in September and since then, he has been fine back at nursery with no accidents.

I think you need to give them and him more than one day to show that they can do it. It might take him weeks to do at nursery to get to where you are at home.

Whats their potty training/toileting policy? The policy at DD's preschool (age 2-4) says that the children have free access to the potty/toilet and to attend in underwear they child needs to be able to ask to go or able to take themselves. It says that staff will assist as needed and will prompt a child who appears to be showing non-verbal signs of needing the toilet but that they cannot follow individual toileting schedules or timed prompts. It says that children who are not at the stage of asking/going without a reminder should wear pants or a nappy and staff will offer use of the toilet/potty at changing times and mealtimes to help build their confidence in going independently.

Personally I would say that if he can't indicate for himself that he needs the toilet/potty then its a bit much to expect the staff to ask him every half hour.

It’s hard on nurseries because what would be supportive from you- reminding every half hour- could be construed as badgering/bullying coming from a nursery worker. The nursery mine went to took the child’s consent very seriously and if the child refused the set potty schedule they head, they did not keep frequently repeating the potty offer or cajoling/pressuring the child.
Another issue is that your child is probably more comfortable practicing using the potty at home instead of at nursery. Nursery is like going to work for a child. It’s fun but also stressful and tiring. So he may honestly not be relaxed or confident enough to do potty training while at nursery.
So this is not a battle I would pick. I would keep doing what you are at home, and not worry about the nursery potty performance. It’s similar to a child learning to ride a bicycle. They may feel confident to practice without training wheels in your driveway, but then demand training wheels back on if they cycle beside you on a longer walk. It’s not really regression so much as only being comfortable doing the “advanced” stuff at home. Once he gets more home practice, he will feel more confident using the potty at nursery.

After 3 weeks at home, there's a good chance he might have been unsettled at nursery and refusing to use the potty his way of asserting control.

Also there is a massive difference between being properly dry and being dry if you have an adult constantly reminding you, prompting you and encouraging you until you go. At nursery, as you've discovered they will probably ask once, encourage a little bit and then leave it. They simply can't devote the same level of time to one child as you can. Also, being in a pull up doesn't stop a child using a potty. In fact many children won't wee in a pull up once they are dry. It just makes it easier on the nursery if he's not reliable enough not to have accidents.

Basically - I think you are expecting too much. Remember the nursery have successfully managed many children out of nappies.

I wouldn't worry about it. If he needs prompting that much he's not really dry exactly - it's more that you're giving him confidence at home. But if nursery aren't geared up to watch every single child for signs of needing a wee, then he will have accidents and that might be worse for his confidence than not.

Is it possible to explain to him that the pull-ups will be his 'nursery pants' for now, and he'll have 'home pants' at home? Then he can transition to pants at nursery later.

Keep him off for a bit longer, don't undo the good work he has done. Just keep him off another week with the potty on the living room until he gets used to going to the potty himself.

I would not return my child to an environment that thinks a pull up is ok or that does not have the resource to assist in the way I needed with it.