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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to arrange seeing my friend when her son isn't around?

26 replies

ellehcim · 26/10/2007 09:45

I have a really lovely friend who has a son the same age as DS1 (two and a half). The problem is that he is really rough with DS2 (4 months). The past two times I have seen her he has hit him or kicked him. Both times DS2 was in his bouncy chair minding his own business.

The first time he walked straight up to DS2 and hit him hard on the head. My friend just said "he doesn't understand about babies". Two minutes later he walked up to him and despite me trying to quickly jump in the way, kicked him hard. My friend said "I think you've had too much sugar today baby".

Yesterday similar things happened. This time DS1 (bless him) stepped in and said "NO HIT MY BABY!" My friend just giggled.

I don't want to intefere with the way she brings up her children but I would have told off DS1 had he been behaving in that way and had he tried to do it again I would have removed him and made him understand that it isn't acceptable. They are two and a half and in my opinion they certainly do understand that hitting is wrong.

Didn't want to kick up a fuss but am thinking of ensuring that I see her when her son isn't around. Is that unfair?

OP posts:
ViolentBowedandScared · 26/10/2007 09:49

Well, her son is really a baby himself, but your friend needs to deal with his behaviour more effectively, or he won't learn that he has to be gently and kind to little ones.

So I don't honestly think the little boy is the problem here, it is your friend.

And whilst there is nothing wrong with seeing her without her son, it is a shame that her lack of effective parenting is costing her child the friendship of your children.

I'd have a calm word with her about it, and tell her that if she won't discipline her child, then you will in order to protect your children.

kittywitch · 26/10/2007 09:50

Sounds like you need to protect your baby from this revolting child. Pity you can't kick him back when your 'friend' isn't watching.
He needs to be taught a few lessons, but it doesn't sound as if she's ever going to do it, so seeing as you can't really give him a smack, then I think you need to keep him away from your children.

Tbh I could never be friends with someone who thinks it's ok to let her kids beat up my kids. What does that say about her?

milkymill · 26/10/2007 09:50

YANBU. I would not put up with that. Seems a shame though, as I assume your oldest ds plays with her ds?

crokky · 26/10/2007 09:51

Sometimes when my DS was very little, I would keep him in my arms the whole time I was visiting people with toddlers - is that an option for you?

collision · 26/10/2007 09:53

I would tell him off myself if she wont do it.

Just take him by the arm and say,'We dont hurt the baby because it is not kind!'

keep doing that and he will soon get bored.
I would not let him hurt my baby.

rahrahrahrahrah · 26/10/2007 09:54

An appropriate name I think Kittywitch?

Original poster
ellehcim · 26/10/2007 10:02

Holding DS2 constantly is a good idea if a little restricting.

I don't really feel like I can say anything or tell him off myself if she's there. She's having a tough time lately and I don't want to upset her.

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 26/10/2007 10:03

Agree with collision, would tell him off myself, and maybe say to her something like, this is how I discipline ds1 when he is aggresive, I think it is good to be consistent, or say to him I do not like it when you do that to baby, and say to her if it had been mine I would have naughty stepped him/whatever you do, he is a little boy but he will not learn it is wrong unless he is taught it is wrong.

We get this a lot, anyone with aggresive kids thinks our kids are wimps cos they dont fight back.

Beenleigh · 26/10/2007 10:04

YANBU!!
I was going to suggest that you could perhaps take ds2 in a sling, so you don;t have to put him down, and if it provokes her to ask you why, you could say something lighthearted about how you don't want him to get duffed again.
She obviously doesn't see the problem, and obviously isn't used to disciplining her ds. I'm definitely not justifying her behaviour, it sounds awful.
Your ds2 will soon be able to fight back, by which I mean, this won;t be a problem forever, but through all the twists and turns of bringing up children, you and her must stay friends, like you say, she's lovely. She may be a bit cack handed when disciplining a toddler but may be fab with them when they're teenagers iyswim

kittywitch · 26/10/2007 10:04

Don't be so ridiculous rahrah.
Is that the sum of your contribution to this thread then?

TooMuchOnMyPlate · 26/10/2007 10:05

YABU if you expose your kids to danger - rough and tumble play one thing, being deliberately hurt another. I am with collision - although you could talk to the mother first and explain your worries? If she isn't bothered, I am with Kittywitch - ditch her!

puppydavies · 26/10/2007 10:10

personally i have no problem telling friends' kids to be gentle around the baby but i would do it in a positive way, rather than a telling off kind of way (and ideally proactively, so they don't get a chance to hit in the first place) also praising gentle behaviour etc.

but clearly you're very thoughtful about your friend's feelings in this and it sounds to me as though meeting at another time - for the moment - would be a good idea if you definitely don't want to say anything outright to her.

rahrahrahrahrah · 26/10/2007 10:11

You want a more indepth response (I'm honoured . I would have a quiet word with the mother or failing that just stop seeing them as I would not want my baby subjected to that behaviour.

Would I give a toddler a sly kick - I think not. Would I describe a 2 year old as revolting - No, I don't think so.

WinkyWinkola · 26/10/2007 10:12

Or you could take hold of the rough tot's arm and stroke your baby with his hand, showing him how to be nice, kind and gentle. He doesn't sound revolting - he just sounds like a child who doesn't know any better.

Or you could say to your friend, "Would you mind showing him how to be gentle with the baby? I need a bit of help."

Shame for the elder kids not to be able to see each other.

IntergalacticWarlock · 26/10/2007 10:14

kiuttywitch

What a horrible abhorrent thing to say about a child.

I agree with pp that it is the mother who needs to sort out the child. MY DS1 used to be a bit like that with DS2. I think it was more to get a rise from me, and also to see what his baby brother would do if he was to pinch him/hit him over the head etc

If you meet him again, try and explian that babies are quite delicare, and yo8u need to be gentle with them. Show him how it;'s ok to touch a baby (;ike stroking head or gent;ly tickling his tummy etc) but explian it's not ok to hit, punch etc. His mum sounds a bit clueless, but it can be hard for a child to understand abiout babies unless they are with them a lot. DS1 is quite good with babies now, but it took him a while. I also used to mke sure I didn;t jump up every time DS1 went near DS2 as I think this was part of the prob, I used to just remind him to be gentle etc etc

Wousl it be easy to explin this to your firend? Would she take affront?

kittywitch · 26/10/2007 10:18

Don't be so silly, you are making me cross, getting so needlessly wound about about nothing

Original poster
ellehcim · 26/10/2007 10:19

Its a difficult situation because she's just going through a break up and is having big problems with her daughter's school. I can see her bursting into tears which I wouldn't want.

I also do understand that her son is probably having a rough time too given the break up and that he might be feeling insecure and threatened at a baby being around when he is used to being the baby of his family.

I'm worried now that she'll read this and know I'm talking about her! Thank god our profiles have disappeared!

OP posts:
kittywitch · 26/10/2007 10:20

And no I would't give a toddler a kick, ever, but I would want him to be disciplined in some way. No "there. there darling, don't do nasty things" that just doesn't work.

IntergalacticWarlock · 26/10/2007 10:23

Calling a 2 yo child "disgusing" is enough to get my dander up, love

WinkyWinkola · 26/10/2007 10:23

But maybe he doesn't actually know he's doing anything wrong just yet because he's not been shown the right way?

If you've shown him how to behave lots of times and then he deliberately hurts the baby, then maybe think about disciplining. Although disciplining perhaps isn't the word I'm looking for.

IntergalacticWarlock · 26/10/2007 10:24

ellechim, just show him how to be gentle. He is probably not used to babies, and he probably just wants to know what they do

Let him touch your son gently and show him how it's done!

Original poster
ellehcim · 26/10/2007 10:25

Girls please - calm down. I think we all know Kitty didn't really want me to kick the toddler in question (although the thought might have VERY BRIEFLY crossed my mind!!)

OP posts:
kittywitch · 26/10/2007 10:32

I said he was revolting, children can be vey revolting, they can be very lovely, they can be very naughty.

I don't see how anyone can be affronted by a child being descirbed as revolting.

I'm not of the pc brigade.

chocchipcookie · 26/10/2007 13:03

Kittywitch - you need the PC phrase for revolting - 'He's just expressing himself because he's so free-spirited.'

kittywitch · 26/10/2007 13:14

Thanks chocchip, I reckon I need a list of these PC phrases, that way I won't rile people .

Can I find a list anywhere? is it a bit like reading through the lines of a school report