I'm a doormat. AIBU to ask how to stop?

[TheStarburstConcept]

I let people walk all over me. I am capable of sticking up for myself and saying no, but I hate the bad feeling it creates so it causes a lot of anxiety for me, and I think it seems quite cutting as its unexpected. And people tend to ignore it anyway... MIL for example, dropped by a few weeks ago and started banging on the window at 7am on Sunday morning, and said she was missing DH... they'd driven an hour to get here, to stand outside for five minutes. She even joked that she didn't tell DH she was coming as he'd have said no...

I let my MIL & my best friend totally change my wedding because they ignored what we wanted and whenever we said no and pushed until they got what they wanted.

Right now my best friend has basically stopped talking to me... it's now a bit of a joke amongst mutual friends that she'll be back when I have kids, whether I like it or not, and I hate that idea.

How do I have a backbone without getting to the point that I feel I'm having to be horrible all the time? Thinking about this stuff is driving me mad, it makes me so anxious.

It might be relevant to add that I grew up without parents, and I think I may be guilty of letting people get away with things to keep them happy and prevent them from all ditching me and me being totally alone, although I have a lovely husband now so that's unlikely!

I'm getting tempted to just move away from everyone and become a hermit

Is this a recurring pattern or have you just got a crazy CF for a MIL and a friend who isn’t really a friend?

People will talk about boundaries but in the case of MIL your DH absolutely needs to step up and tell her that if she arrives again unannounced she will see nobody and have made a wasted and, quite possibly, illegal journey. And then stick to that.

This is his issue, not yours so you are not a doormat in this regard.

As to your friend, well, if she does try to worm her way back if and when you have DC then it’s up to you whether you allow that. She doesn’t sound much of a friend so I’d recommend not. You can block her, ignore her and concentrate (when possible) on making nicer pals.

If you don’t have the courage to say No outright to people practice lines such as, ‘I’ll have to get back to you on that.’

Oh my goodness.
Anybody banging on my window at 7am on Sunday without a good reason(death or fire) would get a right fucking mouthful regardless of how much respectful/related they are.

I suggest you have a look at some assertiveness courses.

I used to be a people pleaser and my life started going down the pan as I put everybody else above myself.

Once I started saying “no” and yes, it does cause bad feeling sometimes and the “atmosphere” especially from emotionally immature people, my backbone started hardening a bit.

You are within your rights to say “no” whenever you like and sod the bad feelings it creates. Let them shout,sulk and stomp their feet.So what?

Good luck.

Start small. Instead of giving someone an answer say let me get back to you on that.
Other good phrases:
That doesnt work for me/us.
I have plans that day.
I'll let you know.
I need you to xyz.

You dont have to answer texts instantly, nor the phone.

You are totally overthinking.
People are not going to think less of you if you say no to certain things. In fact, in some cases, they might respect you more and be less "bothersome" in the future.
You should evaluate each request/situation on its merits and ask yourself the question, what do I get out of this?
I know that sounds very selfish, but it is the basis of a bartering transaction.
For example, A asks you if you could collect and amuse her child, who is friends with yours, after school on Wednesdays during term time. This is a large commitment, but does not impact your normal family activity. You have several options:
i) That doesn't work for me as we have other activities on Wednesdays after school (no apologies, no explanations required).
ii) We could certainly do this, in exchange for regular reciprocation during the school holidays (get it sorted at the outset and stick to it).
iii) This doesn't work for me, but would you consider sharing an after-school au pair/nanny/childminder/student, so that the children can play together/do homework etc.
iv) Ah, every other week? Can we take turn and turnabout? One week I collect the children, the next week you do?
Just a few examples, where you can keep options open, make sensible and mutually beneficial suggestions or refuse in a non-confrontational and unapologetic way.

Thank you all!! I'm making notes in my phone, I'm going to make this my thing to crack in Q1.

We were pretty short with MIL... I'm not sure what they expected, but I think we were both a bit visibly put out. I thought she'd text and apologise, but they didn't... it was never referenced again. FIL was with her and made a joke about her planning it all week, but that made it worse!

Friend has always been a bit of a fairweather friend. She stopped talking to me completely when I moved away for a job as she didn't want me to take it... she's never been very supportive of me, really. That hit me in a wave a few days ago.... maybe scales falling off. It's been a strained friendship in recent years. She seems to only like me if I'm sad or struggling, and she's great at those times, but she doesn't ever seem happy if I am.

I feel a bit more equipped for this now. I'll practice saying no now, and hopefully, make some new friends after lockdown... and DH can deal with MIL!

I tend to believe it's just a crappy friend (you got rid of her thank God) & a crazy MIL. Let DH deal with his own mother. I would never open the door at 7 AM, except for a real emergency, not my MIL missing her bloody grown up son!

I think I may be guilty of letting people get away with things to keep them happy and prevent them from all ditching me and me being totally alone

Oh god....this is me.. hoping you can turn it around op. I'll hanging around here with you trying to pick up tips too

Well first of all you need to stop thinking that if you aren't a doormat that means you're horrible.
Nice people are allowed to say no!