Managament attitude - feeling ostracised

[PearlescentIridescent]

This is very specific so I'll change a few bits.

I work for a large company in a very small team of people. Have worked there for 1 year and have got on really well with the job, excellent appraisal, consider myself to have a good work ethic, no previous problems mentioned at all.

Just got back after Christmas break, shortly before which I lost my dad quite suddenly. Work were great on that day and I had 3 days leave.

So Monday my line manager called me for an hour and was being incredibly passive aggressive, telling me I'm not to do some work given me by our senior manager repeatedly, talking me through things I have been doing correctly since I started this job, and injecting comments like "no errors please" etc. And reminding me to do my basic duties.

HIS manager who works closely with us then emails me later, seemingly just to chat, asks me if there is any info about schools, and I reply chattily saying yes they're closed, I'm doing the school work around work (I work 25 hours so in every day but not full time) and she then says along the lines of "Obviously though, the team takes priority".

AIBU to feel bery wrong footed? There are lots of emails circulating since the government announcements about beung flexible, supporting parents with DC at home etc, and I'm not even asking for that!

And it sounds petty but nobody has asked me how I am. The funeral was only a couple of days before I started back at work. They have just done a 180 switch on me while I've been off and I don't know if I'm being sensitive but why would they act like that toward me? For context neither have young DC but I have 3 aged 5 and under.

They've clearly decided you're going to be a 'liability'. Totally unfair, it's shit but happens often.

Sorry about your Dad too, I lost my mum recently and was in a fog for about three months. Work casually pointed out I needed to pull my socks up a bit.

Thanks. I feel bery vulnerable at the moment and my anxiety is taking a spike so I haven't been trusting my own judgement.

I have a difficult relatinshop with LM. They can be very great and supportive but when they are feeling pressure they take it out on me and I feel like there is a push pull dynamic with making me feel like shit but then being bery complementary and supportive. I love the company I work for and see the role as a stepping stone and perfect work life balance while DC are small but this really floored me.

I fluctuate between thinking my short response to higher manager (which killed the conversation, they did not reply) was justified and thinking I should have probed further and asked directly if there was any indication they felt they needed to say that to me.

Why the fuck won't why my phone write "very"

You can either keep your head down and start quietly looking for another job, or face it straight on and ask why their attitudes have suddenly changed. They are no doubt looking at cost-cutting measures and trying to flag potential liabilities, as pp said. Having 3 dc under 5, unless you have lots of support in place, will be a big red flag.

The thing is they know I have support in place! DP is a SAHP. They commented that doing the school work must be a lot for him with 2 younger DC in tow and I said Ah I'm helping with the school work I enjoy it we've done x y and z before work/at lunch and then they said that.. also that manager usually phones me and this time it was by email, so in my mind they knew from the outset that they wanted to say something negative to me which IMO is cowardly and weird.

I don't know if it is relevant but we have been absorbed by a larger team with a new senior management structure just before Christmas. I'm sad that given that, they are trying to portray me as some kind of skiver. I work hard for the hours while logged on and I complete my work without issue.

I would adopt a different approach.

Perhaps a short email stating that you are grateful for the 3 days off and the death has been difficult and it will take time to recover but you will do your best to ensure that this does not affect your job.

Say that you would like to take this opportunity to reassure them that your DP is perfectly capable of looking after his own children during your working day, along with millions of other parents across the country and that you are capable of remaining focussed on your work despite being at home while the children are being occupied by their other parent along with millions of others doing exactly the same.

@ChateauMargaux thank you, that's a good idea and I think I will mention it in the team meeting I think.

@PearlescentIridescent are you in a union?

I would say that if you have a SAHD that I would expect your work to be mainly unaffected and hours to be maintained, unless you have had a prior conversation with them agreeing how you work during this lockdown

I called my boss the day before I was due back to explain what I would need to do and to check if it was acceptable

From bitter bitter bitter experience, it honestly doesn't matter how hard you work when there's a chopping block sensed.... Start looking now. They're only saving their own turkey necks.

I said Ah I'm helping with the school work I enjoy it we've done x y and z before work/at lunch and then they said that

Sorry to say that This will be it, they will have a sense that you are helping out with school work and conveniently ignored or not heard you saying your doing it at lunch or before work.

I would completely erase any mention of DC and school and basically just give a highly generic sanitised version of ‘just it’s fine DH is sorting all that out’. Don’t even refer to yourself doing it at all.

I seem to be on my own here, but I don't see how they're doing anything wrong. I'm sorry for your loss, but other than not asking how you are, I don't see them as trying to get rid of you. Your managers are phoning and emailing you, I don't see how that is ostracizing you. They're asking if you have supports in place during lockdown. This seems sensible to me, I'm sure managers worldwide are doing this. How do you know that they're not contacting everyone else? You're assuming it's just you. Are you sure you're not overthinking this?

@KrisAkabusi I think I OP has got a sense they are mentioning work comes first / no mistakes type of comments when previously they hadn’t?
I took from the OP she has sensed a change in their manner/attitude towards her?

@OhBaublesBaubles

From bitter bitter bitter experience, it honestly doesn't matter how hard you work when there's a chopping block sensed.... Start looking now. They're only saving their own turkey necks.

This, I'm afraid.

Op, I'd start looking so that you don't end up in an ongoing stressful situation and to keep control over your own career.

@blueluce85 but my work commitments haven't changed at all? I haven't requested flexible working or made any changes or expressed any difficulty. I've just mentioned (when asked directly!) that I've been helping my DD with her school work as I work part time and can fit this around my work.

@KrisAkabusi, @Minky37 is right. They are not checking in with me, they have done a complete 180 on me and it's a too much info for one thread but they are both kind of difficult people and are known to be. It's definitely more than a friendly or even neutral catch up. The LM has form for treating me like this when they are in a bad mood or feeling particular pressure (due to something I can't help with). Considering I haven't been there long they are pretty big red flags

I have decided if any issues occur I am going to log them carefully. I will not be pushed out of a job I like and am good at because of petty petty people who like to exert their small bit of power over someone.

And @Minky37 despite me thinking it's distinctly unfair you are absolutely right, I will not be mentioning my DC to them in any capacity from now on.

I would send the email as @ChateauMargaux suggested.

Don’t send the first part of @ChateauMargaux response - it may be interpreted as you teeing up an excuse as to why your work might suffer.

Second half is good. I’m afraid there are some companies that no matter how much they profess to be family friendly and flexible the best option as a woman is to never mention your DC.

Hmm I feel a bit akward sending an email a couple of days after. I think what I will be doing is mentioning it when we have our team meeting with our senior manager as I'm sure the lockdown and school closures will come up naturally in conversation.

And re the company being friendly, I firmly believe they are but sadly in such a large organisation, that attitude doesn't always trickle down to middle management.

I am gutted and I will be looking for other roles within the company when I feel a bit stronger again. It's completely over to them but I still only lost my dad less than a month ago

Your line manager has form for behaving like this? that isn't going to change, working with people like that is utterly miserable - do yourself a favour - just look for another job - the job market might be tough but believe me good employees are still hard to find!

I have worked for a (large) form before who have lots of policies about flex working and indirect discrimination they didn’t put this into practice.
I recognised this straight away from the OP’s description. If there was any ‘whiff’ of not doing 7.5 hrs fully working at 100% capacity due to anything home related, it would be met with thinly veiled suspicion and hints about ‘doing your hours’ or ‘making sure you make all time back up’ when in fact I had just said I had worked fully all day. It’s very very demotivating and unfair, but unfortunately these places exist. Good luck OP, draw up your plans quietly to move roles.

As other's have said, start to plan to leave. They obviously have suspicions about you. 25 hours with three children under 5 is a red flag to most employers, whether you have the support or not.

I didn't realise you work part time - home schooling on your days off is not their business! I'm sorry about your Dad and know from experience that large companies think we bounce back after a few days. When my Mum died a few years back, we were going through a redundancy process and I had to interview (to keep my job) 4 days later. The 4 interviewers all knew but nobody mentioned my loss. Anyway, good luck with it all - don't get pushed out!