Am I in the wrong or is my mother toxic?

[jeany34]

This might be quite long so I apologise but I really need help.

All my life growing up my life has been pretty toxic. My family hasn’t been the best. I had a bad relationship with my father and with my mum.. not the best either. My mum was a party animal, out every weekend, always having parties etc even if I had school the next day etc. Allowed me to take drugs etc. I believe I am the way I am, because of my mum. But the thing is, she thinks she’s always been there for me and done her best.

Anyway, the real issue is now she doesn’t make an effort to see my daughter. Her first grandchild. She rarely makes the trip over to see us (15 minute car journey). We always have to go to hers. If she is coming to us, she will cancel and make up some excuse. For a while I just said ok to it. But a few months back I expressed I was upset by this. She doesn’t make an effort to see us etc. She also said when I was pregnant that she’d stay over and help watch my daughter when I need to work, but when I asked her once to come here to watch my daughter, she refused.

Anyway back to the story. So she went off in a mood, saying I hurt her feelings etc. We fell in after a talk and she said she’d make more effort. Her effort was visiting twice.

Christmas was coming up and she knew about my daughter seeing Santa (a family member in our bubble dressing up). She planned to come see my daughter with Santa. But then said she couldn’t make it because she was getting her eyes done.

Then she said she was visiting the other night there. But that night cancelled on me as she wanted to get a drink with her boyfriend. I ignored her text because I was upset she’s yet again cancelled.

She has now went off in one saying I’ve hurt her feelings, I’ve apparently turned into a nasty girl?? All because I finally stood up for myself and told her she is wrong for cancelling on us all the time. It’s not about me to be honest it’s actually my daughter. My daughter loves her. She claims she loves her too but she honestly doesn’t bother her backside to make an effort to come see us. It’s ALWAYS an excuse. Everything comes before everyone. Hair. Makeup. Tattoos. Holidays. Alcohol. Everything. But because I’ve called her out on this and expressed my feelings and put her in her place, apparently I’m nasty and I’m “playing victim”?

Can ANYONE please help me and make me either see that I’m infact wrong or that I’m not wrong and quite right for being hurt? I’ve never once been nasty, I’ve simply stood my ground and told her she is wrong for what she does. She can’t just cancel on me every time and also expect me to run about to see her. May I also add she expects me to go to hers when she’s on holiday to check on her cats even though my 20 year old sister lives there.. expects me to run my sister about also when I live 15 minutes away... but she can’t visit us when she’s saying she’s going to visit? Please tell me I’m not in the wrong here. She is highly toxic. I’m so upset because I’ve had such a crap upbringing with both parents and now feeling I’m losing my other parent. I feel she is maybe jealous because I am a better mum than she was? And that’s in no way meant to sound bitter or anything but I really am better than what she was on purpose because I don’t want my daughter to feel the way I did growing up, having a bad relationship with her parents etc.. I’m just so stuck and really really hurt and angry at how my mum has reacted and coming across very narcissistic.

She is wrong but you are wrong too. You shouldn’t go to see her either. Just say your baby goes mental every time you are in the car and now you can’t go anywhere. She is bang out of line though. Like sounds self centred as hell.

Is she very young?

She sounds like a teenager!

You need to reduce your contact with her. Don’t keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.

She is toxic and even though your DD loves her now if she forms a close relationship with a toxic GM this could cause HUGE problems in the future.

Visit her one a month and stop doing her any favours.

She is very self centred but when I call her out on it it causes a huge fight and she plays the victim. I’m just at a loss to be honest now.

Yes Sarah she’s only 45. She had me when she was 20. I blame her birth mum etc but in a way that shouldn’t be an excuse, if anything she should be trying to set a better example, like I am trying to do. Thankyou for your responses ladies x

I thought about limiting contact but if I limit it even more then we wouldn’t see her atall because we honestly hardly ever see her as it is because she “has her own life” so she says.

When she says you are playing the victim tell her no, you are trying to protect your daughter from being let down yet again by her grandmother.

Yanbu to be hurt. She is being selfish, as she always has been from the sound of things, and she doesn't like it being pointed out to her by you. She deals with what she perceives as you attacking her by attacking you back, calling you nasty etc.

Stand your ground! You are not being nasty, you are asserting your boundaries, and she doesn't like it. But she'll get used to it in time if she does love you, which she probably does in her own way.

Ask yourself what you actually get from this relationship. It doesn't read as if you get anything but negativity. Is this what you want for many years? Your mother constantly lets you (and your DD) down, expects you to do her bidding without question, and you have been doing it. If she wasn't your mother I would have expected most people to have nothing to do with this person. I would give nothing and expect nothing in return; if she says she will visit or help you, do not believe it, then if she turns up great. If she asks you to visit say
you can't, no reason, just that you can't.

You will have to be strong, stand your ground, or you will be torn apart like this for a very ling time.

I went nc with dm and df when they showed they were no better at being a dgp than they were a parent... Use covid as a good excuse to keep her away.. No big statement she can throw back at you. Just back away...

Stop blaming. Anybody you think might be toxic for you is toxic for you. You can't be wrong about that. It's like saying 'Am I wrong not to like the flavour of this food'. Its not about whether the food is badly flavoured or not, it's about your own preferences, your own feelings, your own boundaries.

There's no set of rules about how people should be, apart from laws. We all have to make our own rules about how we want to be treated. You can work out your boundaries by analysing your feelings. So, when she (or anybody) does something, examine your emotional response. Not your thoughts. Chances are they will be in conflict:

Emotions: Bleurgh. Cold shiver. Why does she treat me like this? She was horrible to me just then. She's blaming me but it's not my fault, and that's not fair.

Thoughts: What did I do to deserve being treated like that? There must be something wrong with me? Maybe she's right and she treats me like that because I'm just stupid?

Respond only to your feelings, and take no notice of your rationalisations. Your brain and thought processes have been conditioned by the way she's treated you all your life, but nobody can condition your feelings: they are who you are, the core of you, the bit of you that is pure you. They're the bit of you that you need to respect. If you do that, you'll be happy. You'll end up with only people who make you feel good in your life. You'll end up only in situations that fulfill you (generally)

Yanbu to be hurt but it sounds like she's not very interested in being a grandparent and wants to be left alone rather than be hassled about meeting up.
It's great that you are a good mum but you need to think about the effect that a disinterested grandmother has on your dd. Personally I would leave her to her life and see her less. What is the point of meeting up? She will not change just because you force your dd and yourself into her life.
Some families meet 2/3 times a year and it's perfectly polite. Maybe that's the sort of relationship that she's like with you and your dd.

I'm not sure that toxic is the right word. She sounds very selfish and clearly has no interest in playing grandma.

Your mum wasn't a good mother and she isn't a good grandmother. Honestly your dd will be better off without her.

This sounds very sad and difficult for you. She wasn’t a good mum to you, as in not being responsible and putting her needs before yours when you were a child and so it follows that she isn’t going to be a good parent to you now. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely having a grandchild will change her.
It’s so difficult when you just want your Mum’s time and help but I think you are going to have to try to come to terms with the fact that she won’t be the parent you need her to be.
Have you any other family members that you can rely on or cultivate a special relationship with?
Concentrate on breaking the cycle and being a good parent yourself. Best of luck

OP I wish I could give you a big hug. You sound so nice, and you don't deserve the crap you have had. It sounds like your mother may be only 45 and is trying to hang on to being youthful, so being a grandma does not fit with that and she is resisting it. No good for you though. I hope you have others as the last poster said, someone you can have a special supportive relationship with. You can take pride in being a better mother to your own DC.

It's so difficult when it's your mother, and your daughter also needs to have her grandmother but you need to get some clarity in your mind and a way forward. I don't think it's helpful or even accurate to think of her as highly toxic. What she is is unreliable and that is no good to you. It's wearing and draining. One thing you could stop doing is going to visit her; wait until she comes to you. Be patient but determined; she will eventually, albeit maybe according to her own perhaps erratic timetable and whim. Meanwhile don't dwell on it. Keep busy and attend to your own life. And stop running after her to mind the house or the dog or whatever. She may well have some unrecognised need or dependence which she hangs on you and is unable to reciprocate and meet your needs, for whatever reason; you need to break that pattern so that she'll learn not to take you so much for granted.

At the same time, you need to free your mind from the mental treadmill and spend your time and emotional energy more productively and positively by not worrying about it but accepting the reality of the person she is and getting on with your own life and work. You can train yourself to do it with practice and steady resolve. If she decides to play ball, well and good; if she doesn't, think about practical arrangements and plans for alternative sources of help and support. It's really not worth what it is taking out of you to keep on wrestling with such strife and agony. Strike out and find your own path for the sake of your wellbeing and your daughter. Good things can come your way. It won't always be as hard as it seems now, even with your mother.

when I call her out on it it causes a huge fight and she plays the victim

You see, I think that's part of the problem right there. Your Mum is as she is and she's in the wrong. But if you call her out on it, of course she's going to go on the defensive and deny it. Far better to decide what you want and follow that course of action without making a song and dance. So if you don't want to keep going to your Mum's, just stop. Leave her to get on with it. If she asks about it, you just say vaguely that life has been really busy or whatever and again leave her to get on with it. Just go when you want to. That way everything is on your terms, without the drama.

She sounds like a shit mother who is now proving to be a shit grandmother. Sorry OP

Hi OP.

I can relate quite a bit.

Darling, do your thing. It might take a while, (years in my case) but you will eventually realise that YOU matter.

It actually isn't all about your mother or child. You've put up with loads of shit. Mend yourself.

Lots of hugs

OP your Mother's never going to be the person you want her to be... As a Mother or a Grandmother. It's just going to go round and round in one big dysfunctional circle. You know how you felt growing up, don't inflict that on your Daughter. Just get on with your life, you can't make your Mother do what she doesn't want to do... And that's what it boils down to, she doesn't want to do it. Her attitude is she's brought her kids up, she's living her life now. Being a Grandmother at 45 isn't something she wants to be deepdown.
Your Daughter has you, she'll be fine, keep toxicity and dysfunction out of her life.

Well done OP on not continuing the bad parent cycle! No small feat when you've had no role model from your own mother.

As you'll realise... You can't force someone to have a relationship with you... You've done your best with her, and, over a long time... and she continues to be dismissive and devaluing of your efforts. It's really sad for you & daughter!

It may be a gift.... I know this doesn't sound like it... But she's completely showing what she is NOW... So you don't expend any more time!
You know what she was like as a parent... And she doesn't seem to want to be a nice grandma! I do wonder, are there any other middle aged /older friends that could take on this role with your daughter? I've seen plenty of these relationships work... Where kids have a stronger bond to a non-bio granny /auntie?

Also you mentioned narcissism?

If you've not come across her Dr Ramani is a clincial psychologist... And is the dogs!

@jeany34

Yes Sarah she’s only 45. She had me when she was 20. I blame her birth mum etc but in a way that shouldn’t be an excuse, if anything she should be trying to set a better example, like I am trying to do. Thankyou for your responses ladies x

I thought about limiting contact but if I limit it even more then we wouldn’t see her atall because we honestly hardly ever see her as it is because she “has her own life” so she says.

And? It’s not of any value of you to see her.

My daughter loves her
Your DD would love anyone who bought her toys, smiled a lot or cuddled her.
There is nothing special about your DM. In fact as she is repeating her lack of care for you, with your DD, it would be better to see her less.

Thankyou all for your responses, I wasn’t expecting a lot to be honest! I’m relieved you all agree and have offered really good advice etc. I’m going to distance myself until she reaches out and will try to explain to her again and if she doesn’t want to change or admit she’s in the wrong then unfortunately we’ll probably have to just part ways. I lost out on a relationship with my dad and then he died in 2017, he was very toxic and now she’s turning our relationship into the exact same.. or maybe it has always been that way and I’m only realising now when it involves my child. But again thankyou all so much!

Your mother sounds awful. Immature, selfish and unloving. If I were you I would back right away and limit contact with her. If she can't be bothered coming to see you, don't go and see her, and put some boundaries in, don't be desperate for the crumbs she throws you, she's not worth it.

Well done you for standing up to her. Sadly with the type of person that your mother is she’ll be the victim now. However, you need to stand strong hold your head up high and move in with your life. If she wishes to see her granddaughter then she knows where she is, but please don’t make any special arrangements to see your mum. If she turns up great, if she doesn’t the pppfff she doesn’t.
You are the blueprint for your daughter. Show your daughter how it’s important to be treated with respect and if people don’t respect you then you don’t have time for them.
I wish you the very best of luck and remember ... stand up for yourself and show your daughter how a proper mother behaves xx