To feel bad about requesting ELCS?

[Worriedandabitscared]

Hi all,

I've posted about this before about it and you were all so lovely and helpful so I thought I'd update and ask for some more advice as I can't speak to anyone in RL (yay for mumsnet).

I spoke to a perinatal midwife today and explained I was raped for four years between 14-18 by an ex partner and it's really got me worried for birth, when I first got pregnant I honestly didn't even think about it, I guess 40 weeks is a long time and it seems so far away but then I had an infection in early pregnancy (I say early but it was like 21 weeks) and two lady doctors did an internal and it hurt and I asked them to stop and they didn't so that was very triggering for me and I spent a week crying and having nightmares for the first time in five years and that's when I started to think how birth may affect me with the pain, not being in control, the doctors and nurses being down there when I'm in pain, not being able to stop it etc etc and then I started to think how it could affect my relationship with my little boy, how I might start to blame him or wouldn't bond because of what's happened and I know that sounds silly but it really affected me so I spoke to my midwife who sort of ignored me and talked about something else and then at my next appointment when I brought it up again she said " they don't do c sections routinely, vaginal birth is better for you and baby and you don't want baby getting hurt do you?" Which of course I don't but I'm important too which is when I posted on here and everyone was so lovely and gave me the confidence to contact her manager who was lovely and set an appointment with the perinatal midwife and I've spoken to her today and she is discussing it with a consultant, she said we could just request no vaginal examinations unless absolutely necessary but I think the whole process will be very triggering so she's speaking with the consultant and calling me back with the next steps and I've been thinking about it and I think if I mentioned this at my first midwife appointment and she was like no chance you're having a vaginal birth and that's it then I would have opted for an abortion, that's how strongly I feel and I know a c section isn't the easy way out but I'd genuinely rather go through major surgery and a harder recovery than risk getting re traumatised and not connecting with my son etc I know they can still say no but with everything going on with covid etc do you think it's unreasonable to try and push it for mental health reasons? I feel like I'm self aware enough to know that my fears are silly and of course it isn't my sons fault and he's doing his bit ready for birth like being head down etc but at the same time feelings and trauma aren't always rational and in those moments or after birth I might completely shut down etc and I think I need a bit of a handhold, am I being silly or was I right to ask?

Good news OP!

I had an ELCS and actually found the recovery easier than for my previous vaginal birth. I managed well with paracetamol and ibuprofen.

What a dreadful midwife.

I'm so sorry you've suffered so much. You were absolutely right to request an ELCS if that is what you feel you need. Your baby needs you as well as you can be and you're right to protect your mental health.

Ignore them. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I feel like I'm self aware enough to know that my fears are silly

Your fears are NOT silly and YOU MATTER. My partner was raped as a child and although not the only reason was a contributory factory to our children being born by CS, one emergency, one elective. Don't be fobbed off, especially by the "but you had sex" rationale. Handhold from me.

YABU to think YABU! I understand the need to just process it through but you don’t need anyone’s permission to take control of your birth and make the decision that is best for you and your mental wellbeing, and importantly your transition to motherhood.

You still have choices in an ELCS, so discuss those with your midwife. Do you or your partner want to see the moment the baby is born? Do you want skin to skin in theatre? Do you want delayed cord clamping? Is there particular music you’d like? Etc etc.

Best of luck to you, xxxx

Oh and your feelings MATTER. You MATTER. Your fears and feelings are not stupid or irrational. Please begin to believe this 😘

In your situation I would definitely request an ELCS, and maybe ask about post natal counselling and mental health support in your area, in case the whole episode makes you unwell.

You can insist on ELCS. Put your foot down and you should get one. Don’t let them bully you in to a vaginal delivery. I wish you all the best.

I'm so glad you're getting your ELCS OP. I had an EMCS and the circumstances were a bit of a shock but the operation was actually fine and if I were to have another child I'd want an ELCS. Recovery was tough but I still had sciatica (and preeclampsia that somehow hadn't been resolved by the birth!) so I can't blame the c section for that to be honest! Best of luck and well done for being such a good advocate for yourself.