To ask if this is photo thing is weird?

[TheStarburstConcept]

Like loads of other people, our wedding was cancelled last year, and we had a small thing in the late summer. As we didn't need the full day with the photographer, she agreed to put 50 of the photos in a photobook for us instead. It was ready in October, and we sent it straight to DH's parents, as they were struggling with lockdown and not seeing him. They seemed pretty happy with it.

They've now requested a second book, a bigger framed photo and all the photos as normal photos so they can show them to other people without taking the books out (when this is over, I suppose). DH has been non-committal about it to date. Our photobook hasn't even arrived yet and was ordered in October, there have been delays in the shipping as they come from Europe, and we've not seen theirs (Covid).

DH's dad has now been told by a cousin that one of my friends' has made an album of the photos she took at the wedding, and he also wants those printed and sent to them. They are mostly photos of my friends, as it was all socially distanced etc...

I feel really stifled by the constant demands for every photo we have. Is this normal? They've already got more than we have...

I suppose it might be relevant that when we started planning our wedding in 2018, we wanted it to be quite small and somewhere special to me, and DH's mum cried a lot that it wasn't what she'd imagined for her son, and in the end we changed it. I wish we hadn't, but we did. She then hated that we rebooked for last year, and thought we should have held out for this year so it could be bigger.... and while I thought they'd enjoyed the actual wedding, they left really early (and it wasn't a long thing!) and we later found out that his mum had sobbed while everyone was being seated for us to walk down the aisle because it wasn't what she'd imagined and she didn't like the venue or the weather. I don't have family, so they were the only parents there, and we involved them as much as possible... I even took her wedding dress shopping, despite not really wanting to go! I feel really sad and a bit rejected that it clearly wasn't what they wanted.

Also, I have bipolar disorder, and my anxiety is pretty bad right now - so I guess that could be a factor. The only treatment I can get right now is Diazepam and I'm not sure if I need it yet... I feel a little on edge but I can't tell if this is fair enough or if I've lost the plot. Please be kind.

I think it's a generational thing - we had a Photobook as part of our wedding photo package (pre covid) - we lent it to PIL to have a look through at their leisure and they put sticky notes all over it for the photos they wanted printing 🤷‍♀️ luckily for us we had all our photos also provided on a USB too so it wasn't too difficult to sort but I did think it was odd at the time 🤣

You have not lost the plot, she sounds quite difficult and cannot believe the drama of crying at your wedding and leaving early as it wasn't how she thought it would be despite changing things to meet her demands, sad lesson learned, do what makes you happy, and don't capitulate to her again! I don't understand the need for all the photos, did they not take any themselves?

Your Mother in law is not being kind. Your wedding should have been a celebration for you to enjoy, not to prioritise some third party's wishes.

Demanding photos from a third party is next level and I think you'd be within your rights to say that your friend has made a generous gift to you and you are not going to ask them to do any more.

You have been very generous and accommodating and gone overboard to make things special for her at the expense of your own preferences, and it sounds like she is still piling on the pressure. Is there any way you can leave your husband (!) to deal with the photo issue and direct all further questions and requests to him to deal with - you have done enough!

It sounds like MIL could have insisted you had a wedding where you rode down the aisle on a unicorn, with fairies as bridesmaids, and you reluctantly agreed, and it still wouldn't have been what she wanted. After the fact. She sounds like a difficult and manipulative woman, trying to make it all about her. My SIL is like this. If you ever go on to have a Christening, renew your vows or anything remotely special to you, do not let her within a mile of it, and get your DH on side, if you can.

It’s quite weird but the crying and huffing over someone else’s wedding is even weirder.

I would give them the photographer’s website and tell them they can order extra photos from there themselves. I’d tell them that your friend’s album was a specific present from her to them but they are welcome to see it next time they’re allowed to visit you. Or if the photos are on fb i’d tag them in the album so they can see it.

I’d not be going to any further trouble or expense for them though after their rude behaviour.

Specific present from her to you rather

I think it was very kind of you to send them a photo book when you haven't even received one yourself. Can they contact the photogragher themselves and order (and pay for) the pictures themselves? If so i would tell them to do that. The Otherwise i would just say it's not possible to order more, sorry. I would also say no to the photos from your friend, i think its very pushy of them to ask tbh. Yanbu

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Sending them the original photobook before you'd received your own or even seen it (if I've read that right) is enormously gracious and kind of you, and to keep asking for more is unreasonable of them, especially when it comes to your friend's album!! At my wedding my DM and DGM went behind our backs to ask our photographer to send them another complete set of the digital images, meaning that we wouldn't have the choice to exclude any we didn't like or wanted to keep private before sharing them. Suffice to say I lost my sh*t when I found out, and they didn't get them!!

I don't understand why they want both a second book and prints, what on earth is the harm in taking one of the books to show to friends? It's not like an old-fashioned wedding album, they can be replaced if they get damaged!

I'm not even going to get started on her demands about the wedding itself. I hope you're able to find a middle ground with her neediness somewhere OP!

By itself, parents wanting lots of photos of their Son’s wedding is fine and would be lovely that they want so many photos to remember the special day.

In conjunction with the other stuff it sounds batshit.

Let your husband deal with them. Sobbing and carrying on about YOUR wedding is pathetic.

Her reaction to the wedding is completely over the top. But I don't see anything wrong with her looking for photos.

She's been ridiculous about the wedding, so I think you can be excused for feeling exasperated with her!

I think it's best to let your husband deal with it. (His mother sounds difficult, so it's probably a good idea to set that precedent early!) If there are photos that you think she wouldn't care about (your friends instead of the two of you, family, or group shots), maybe it would be possible to share photos online, rather that going to the trouble and expense of having them printed. But ultimately, yes, leave them to your husband, whenever possible.

Thanks all, I’m glad I’m not going insane! DH tends to cope with them by ignoring the weird quirks, but they’ve now started asking me instead. The number of “urgent” calls I get while I’m working when they just want a chat is insane. I sort of hope there’s never a real emergency...

I’ll work on passing it back to DH. He’s a legend.

Hopefully they won’t expect much now we’re back in lockdown... but I suspect it’ll be a long time until I see a photobook! It’s silly and sentimental but I’d love to see one.

Honestly OP, please don't indulge your mil in any more batshittery, I would have managed my ex-mil much more if I'd put my foot down nicely early on. 20 yrs later she was still being a pita, but she's not my problem any more

I think your MIL is weird .
As the mother of adult DS I look at a lot of these threads as a 'how not to do things' and some things I see, like this, are beyond weird .

That said I'd just send the photos for a quiet life .

Sometimes just giving someone what they want, if there's no real cost (physically or emotionally) to yourself is the easiest thing to do.

Also think this is generational. Oh ffs my bloody MIL started asking for pics literally THE NEXT DAY after the wedding. Photos arrived in 2 months, she asked at least 2 times a week. After we had the photos, we made them an album and that was the end of it. Super annoying!