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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove toxic parent

27 replies

Daisydolly1986 · 04/01/2021 13:20

First time posting!

I am currently going through a divorce which also includes a bitter custody battle.

I spoke to my mum a few weeks before Christmas, and she tells me with absolute glee in her voice that my STBEH is visiting her at Christmas. Back story, they have never had a relationship. My mum was always rude towards him and never ever made any effort with me or ex or even our child. The last time they saw each other to speak to was at our wedding 6 years ago.

Further back story ... my mum has always been horrid to me. When I was little she was violent, so, so violent ... if I ever got the wooden spoon, it was a good day. And she was angry, to this day, she is the angriest person I have ever encountered.

So, yes, horrid woman.

She is trying her hardest to involved herself in the child custody case. She told me she would make sure the relevent people know that I shouldn't have my child as I'm too unstable. I basically have moved house twice in a year due to job loss, and relocation. Nothing out of the ordinary in the current climate.

So, somehow between my ex and her they've met up. My ex always told me if I ever left, he would make me out to be crazy ... blah blah blah. He said he'd get everytime on his side and I'd have nobody. So basically he took what I told him about my insecurity's with my childhood and used them against me. I confided in him about my abusive childhood, and he's using it against me. I expect this from him, he is not a nice person.

Since my mum has told me about the meeting with my ex, I haven't spoken to her, and I told her straight that I will not be speaking with her until after the divorce as I can't trust her. She has been phoning constantly, messaging constantly, sending weird messages about a family member being gravely sick ... a family member I've not seen for well over 20 years.

So, my AIBU is ...

I'm removing my parents from my life due to the situation. Its also triggered such scary memories from my childhood. Parents are in their 70's and other siblings have moved out of the UK and never plan on returning to the UK to live.

I feel guilty, but I've been wronged!

OP posts:
Terracottasaur · 04/01/2021 13:22

Yanbu - you’re right to do what you have to to protect yourself. Sorry you’re going through something so horrible Flowers

ChaToilLeam · 04/01/2021 13:23

What a horrible woman. You are right to cut ties with her.

LiJo2015 · 04/01/2021 13:25

As someone who has taken action to break contact with toxic family members i can say from experience you are absolutely doing the right thing. It wont be easy, but absolutely the right thing to do.

150camelot · 04/01/2021 13:28

You're doing the right thing in my opinion.

I would very obviously volunteer at school and be seen to be supporting my child in a specific area (like reading, perhaps ask for extra books or books about a particular subject) so school can say you're engaged and supportive.

FadedRed · 04/01/2021 13:29

Male the break permanent, not just until after your divorce. Keep any evidence (letters, emails etc) of their threats and other unpleasantness.
All best wishes for your future happiness.

FadedRed · 04/01/2021 13:30

Make not male.

B33Fr33 · 04/01/2021 13:32

In every way you're right to cut contact with your mother and her abuse. She has no rights with regard to seeing your children. Shes trying to cause maximum harm. Let her reap the rewards of that.

sixthtimelucky · 04/01/2021 13:33

Sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing. I never understand all the 'family is everything' crap when someone's family member is toxic and harmful to you.

Tal45 · 04/01/2021 13:38

You are right to remove her from your life but you are wrong to let her back in after the divorce IMO. I would get yourself some counselling to support you if you can. xxx

JillofTrades · 04/01/2021 13:43

It's way overdue and too long gone. Cut her off. She sounds absolutely evil. You deserve peace - and this is a sure way of the right path.

Original poster
Daisydolly1986 · 04/01/2021 15:51

Thanks for the responses. Yes, long, long overdue!! I think I feel guilty because of the upbringing Ive had, the whole 'respect your parents' BS. There was no respect for me as a child, and certainly not now with the siding with my ex.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 04/01/2021 15:56

Bloody hell! They are appalling do you are definitely not being unreasonable. How hurtful of your parents, how nasty and vile. Go NC forever.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/01/2021 15:57

You're doing the right thing to cut them off.
You can allow yourself to feel bad for a bit. Think of it as a form of grief, you're mourning the loss of the mother you SHOULD have had, the one she can never be.
Then dealing with your divorce will be a lot easier without having to think about her.

YoniAndGuy · 04/01/2021 16:02

Wooden spoon?!

Do you think it might actually be useful to speak to social services -? As in, when you were together, you could minimise her involvement safely, but now that you have split, you are concerned that your abusive mother is using your ex's hostility towards you to ingratiate herself with him as a way to continue abusing you?

But yes, don't ever speak to her again. She'll live to regret this of course - they have no relationship, your ex knows she doesn't like him and they have no relationship basis - once child contact is settled, he'll have no use for her or wish to keep her in his life. He'll also have it at the back of his mind that if he lets her in, and she turns on him, he'll have created a problem for himself.

So - this will ultimately get sorted, and she'll end up alone. Good thing - keep your kids well away from her. Forever. No apologies to be listened to, block her, cull her.

Original poster
Daisydolly1986 · 04/01/2021 17:13

your abusive mother is using your ex's hostility towards you to ingratiate herself with him as a way to continue abusing you

Yes, the above makes so much sense. And the ex is doing exactly the same by using our son as 'bait' I believe that is how the meeting was arranged, by the use of our son. My ex needs to get as many people on his side as possible, and my mum is just awful so allowed the situation to happen. But the absolute joy in her voice when she told me about the situation was just unbelievable.

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 04/01/2021 19:31

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP. A book you may find useful is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, also the Stately Homes threads in Relationships on here, this is a link to the most recent one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/01/2021 19:39

Who on earth thinks @Daisydolly1986 is unreasonable to cut this toxic person out of her life? Shock

CantBeAssed · 04/01/2021 19:44

I would feel a grain of guilt..total abuse..what a horrible individual...and any accusations by your ex will have to be proved...sounds like your life will be a lot healthier without these 2 toxic individuals..

CantBeAssed · 04/01/2021 19:44

Wouldn't*

pelosi · 04/01/2021 20:22

YANBU, I would cut her out forever, not just until after the divorce.

Go after the fucker, hope you have a SHL (shit hot lawyer).

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 04/01/2021 20:49

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Who on earth thinks *@Daisydolly1986* is unreasonable to cut this toxic person out of her life? Shock
maybe they think she is unreasonable to have kept them in her life for this long? Or even for having to ask for advice on whether she shd go no contact?
billy1966 · 04/01/2021 20:59

Cut your mother out of your life with your STBXH.

Never resume contact after this.

Good luck.

SeaEagleFeather · 04/01/2021 21:05

You -need- to cut her out at this point. You need to protect your son, and she is weakening you with her not-very-covert malice.

From the bits you've said, you need to record everything too. Your ex and your mother are enemies, and if they're out to make you look crazy, you need to record exactly what's going on, every incident. If you're lucky it will be unnecessary, but if you end up having to fight them with the agencies involved, this might help.

NatureNeverRushes · 04/01/2021 21:12

Yanbu op and I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this shit.

PurpleMustang · 04/01/2021 22:28

If you have the elders are to be respected guilt you need to realise you have FOG fear, obligation and guilt. There is the Susan Forward book Toxic Parents. Also the We Took You To Statley Homes thread