To accept that this friendship is dead?

[crazycatgal]

I'm sorry, this might be a bit of a long one.

I have a friend that I have been friends with for 11 years, we are both 27. For those past 11 years we have been very close, before lockdown seeing each other around once a week.

I bought a new build house in December 2019, my friend lives with parents. When I mentioned that I had bought the house to my friend she wasn't very supportive so didn't really mention it again until I was ready to complete (June 2020) she has also never asked me about the house.

Around April/May time during lockdown we were talking frequently and dropping off pick me up presents to each other. We didn't see each other during this time. When we were allowed to meet up outdoors we met up for a couple of walks.

In June I found out that my dog had cancer and he had to be PTS. This friend knew how much he meant to me, she also has a dog and one of our hobbies was going out on long walks together. I asked her if she wanted to meet outside so she could say goodbye. She said no. My partner told me to give her the benefit of the doubt and understand that this might have upset her. She didn't call and sent 1 message. My DP has also been made redundant 3 times this year, again i've had no support.

Since my dog died and we moved into our house she hasn't bothered with me at all. This is the same with her other friends. During the lockdown she started to hang around with a group of 18 - 19 year old girls breaking lockdown rules, having sleepovers and going around to each others houses to drink (I have not said anything about this to her or passed judgement). She is a 27 year old teaching assistant who is hanging around with teenagers and now seems to be acting like a teenager. It all just seems really strange to me.

I've told her that I feel like I had no support from her when my dog died or when I've been dealing with financial issues. Her response was 'Well you didn't tell me that you needed me.' I've told her that I miss her and have tried again to meet up with her outdoors for a walk, she's cancelled on me again last minute because she was at one of her new friend's houses last night again.

Am I an idiot for trying to continue this friendship for so long? Should I just accept that I don't need to be friends with someone like this?

Sorry, I could empathise with you having a dog PTS, as in I'd say all the right things at the time etc but I would not make a special trip in lockdown to say goodbye to it. Other people really don't care that much, sorry.

But you've got a point about most of the other things, sounds like she had a bit of a jealousy issue when you moved into your own place whilst she was stuck with parents. It is weird for a grown woman to hang around with groups of teenagers.

Friendships change, if you don't lose a couple over the years I think you're doing it wrong. You grow and if your friends don't grow with you, you cut them loose or they'll hold you back.

I would check in to see if she's doing ok if her behaviour is erratic and out of the norm but after that I would start distancing myself.

I would wonder if she is resentful that you have been able to buy a house where she is stuck at home? Not saying this is reasonable of her, but it sounds very much like you have grown up and she has not. Let her go, but as the grown-up be ready to be there for her if/when she comes back around.

Perhaps you've just got different priorities and different things to do now. She seems to have found a younger set of friends, you seem to have moved on with a house and DP. I'd just give up and accept the friendship as over.

I am not sure what support you expected or needed from a friend when you were buying a house? Most people just get on with it without involving friends. I am sorry for the loss of your pet, but I also think it would be unusual to say goodbye to somebody else’s pet and I say this as a dog owner. You do seem to be going on about how she should be supporting you a fair bit.

As to her new friends, well it does sound a bit unusual but not something to deliberately end the friendship over, although it could be that your friendship has simply run out of steam.

Seems like your lives are going in different directions. And she probably was jealous when you bought your house. Which is a natural reaction in her position, however a real friend would push that feeling aside and at least fake happiness for their friend. Buying a house is a big deal and to simply never mention it is odd.

I would step back. No need for any drama, just dont make any plans with her going forward.

In regards to the dog, a couple of years ago she sold her horse because she didn't have time for it anymore, she asked me to be there on the day that the new owners collected the horse because she needed support. As her friend I went with her. I'm not annoyed because she didn't come to see my dog, I'm annoyed that I didn't even receive a phone call.

I didn't want or need anything when buying a house just a comment around being happy for me would have been nice. Or a card when we had moved in. When she completed her foundation degree this year I sent her a thoughtful card and gift because I knew it was a big deal for her.

I don't want to fall out with her because of who her friends are, I find it strange but as I have said I haven't commented on it. I'm just fed up of feeing like I'm the only one making an effort. I'm also worried that she will realise that pushing her friends aside was a mistake.

As a few PPs have suggested I will quietly step back and leave this friendship in the past.

Have you checked everything is okay with her? As another poster mentioned, her behaviour sounds very erratic.

I’m sorry about your dog, I love my pets so I understand how heartbreaking that must have been. I think for a lot of people buying a house or a pet dying isn’t really a huge deal though. Not sure how she could have supported you in buying a house? If my best friend bought a house I’d congratulate her and then move on?

I think the friendship may be dead but also you were expecting too much? With the dog I wouldn't go and wait outside the vet, especially during a lockdown. And when we bought our house literally no one cared! Our friends were all still living at home and the only thing they cared about was now we had somewhere for house parties..

@ChronicallyCurious As I said in my PP a congratulations is all I wanted, when I mentioned it I got more of an 'oh right' response.

When I had the conversation with her about feeling like she hadn't been there for me I asked if anything was wrong. She said that she has been arguing with her mum (this has been an ongoing argument around housework, her boyfriend's dad had stopped her staying at his house because of coronavirus risks and she couldn't afford to buy a house. They have been talking about saving for a long time.

@Amijustagrump I didn't ask her to wait outside the vets. I asked her to meet on a walk outside when I knew that he would have to be PTS shortly.

I would say likely that she feels stuck in a rut at home and is envious that you have bought a house and are in a stable committed relationship. I would cool off a bit and see what happens when her life moves on like yours has.

If her recent behaviour is out of character, maybe she is having issues of her own? You have talked a lot about your issues and problems and how you have felt unsupported, but have you asked her how she is lately? Have you been supportive of her?

I am sorry about your dog. I lost my gorgeous girl two years ago and still think about her all the time.

@Fieldofyellowflowers Thanks for your comments about my dog.

I've posted about what she said when I asked if she was OK in my reply to chronicallycurious.

You mention several times about how she should’ve supported you- have you also been there for her?
She may have her own struggles during all this, maybe manifesting themselves in this erratic behaviour. One thing I’ve learnt from this pandemic is we have no idea how even our closest friends are really feeling and what difficulties they might be experiencing that we can’t see from the outside.
I don’t think the friendship is dead if you can reach out to her and see how she is, (but you have my sympathies all the same)

@Areyouactuallyseriousrightnow I've posted about how she is a couple of comments dow n

Hi Op
Sorry to say
I think its bit too over the top,very unausaul to expect your friend to come an see you before you had to sadly put your pet dog.

Also I too sense your friend could be a bit envious of you being in a position to be able to get on new build property ladder,
which is only natural,but as a good friend she should have put those feelings aside,an show at least a bit/or some interest? Such as congratulations,

I think friendships can wax an wane (change over time..
And perhaps cause you seem to be going in different directions,you haven't got so much in common
It happens its just Life,its a shame when it happens though.

I think your friend behaviour is a reaction to something,it could just be simply the Claustropic times of Covid/Lockdowns,(has brought out her Rebbelness side),
She seems erratic and its frankly bit weird to be hanging out with teenagers at her age.

I think you need to just let this friendship fade out
Focus on other friendships/creating new better friendships too.

I wouldn't call time on any important relationship this year unless you think you're really putting up with being treated badly. Most people are necessarily preserving their energy for themselves and are not able to be "there" for others as much as they would usually.

It sounds like you’ve grown up and she’s regressed.

This is such a terrible time for everyone though. If this uncaring behavior is out of character I would just give her space and see what happens down the road.

However, I don’t think at your age I could relate to someone who is hanging out with children. It seems really inappropriate even if she’s behaving oddly because of the current state of the world.

Sorry have read your subsequent post OP. Sounds like your friend is struggling too. It’s hard to be there for others in the way they’d like us to be when we are having a bit of a hard time ourselves. Covid is taking its toll on everyone, don’t give up on each other yet!

I had a couple of friends came over to see my dog just before he was pts, just because they’d known him for years and been on walks with us a lot, so I see your point.

She sounds like she might not be in the same place as you, or quite as mature. It doesn’t mean you have to fall out, just don’t expect as much from her. Step back from the friendship a bit and see what happens- in a few years she might mature and suit you as a friend again or the friendship might just peter out..

Sounds like you've moved on to adopting e g. House, partner etc. Shes stuck at home with parents, still and cannot visit her boyfriend. Probably she is a tad jealous of your situation, would explain why shes now friends with people, too young to have a house. I'm so sorry about your dog, he was loved and had a great life. Remember all the good times you shared. The devastation will fade after a while, and will get easier. Personally I would withdraw from that friendship, and focus on others instead.

Sorry to hear about your dog.
Whether or not she chose to come and see him before he was PTS, I would have expected her to be supportive after the event.
It sounds as if she is jealous about the house (& possibly LT partner, you don't mention that she has one) and feeling left behind if she is still living with her parents - the two of you certainly have changing priorities.

Mid 20s is often a time when you realise that you have less and less in common with some old school friends as you've both become adults. It can be hurtful and disappointing, but it does sound as if the friendship has run its course.
No need for a big "ghosting" number, but it's probably time to step back and adjust your expectations of the friendship.

My Mother said you can always tell a 'total gent' as he will remove his hat during sex.