Should I be worried about my DS?

[Concerneduser]

Not strictly an AIBU but I'm interested in the quick responses in voting as well as anybody who can give advice.

My DS is 13 and I've had concerns on/off over the years, i suppose I thought he would grow out of things but now he's a teenager I'm thinking maybe something isn't right and regretting not doing something about it sooner.
I've had autism/adhd concerns over the years (adhd more so by family members who would say it as he was very hyperactive as a child etc) but I've read up on alot of things and there is crossover between the 2 conditions so maybe he has one or the other or possibly none I really dont know.
Anyway my main concerns at the min are about his eating
•Eating, he's a massively messy eater, uses fingers inappropriately, doesn't use a knife and fork in the correct way and gets it everywhere like a 1 year old would.
• He gets food around his face like a child does with anything he eats, but doesn't realise and doesn't wipe it off until I see it and mention it.
• If he ever does wash his hands/face after eating he just wipes it straight onto the tea towel without washing them under water first and obviously the tea towel is filthy.
All of this I have been telling him since he was small to do or not to do and he still isn't getting it. That's not normal is it? I used to think he was just being naughty or lazy but a 13 year old shouldn't still be doing all that surely?

I have other concerns relating to ASD/ADHD and am happy to list them if anybody wants a fuller picture but I dont want to make this a massive opening post.

AIBU to be worried this isn't normal behaviour?

My 8 year old son has ASD and he sounds very like yours.

It really doesn't matter what he 'has', because that can be worked out. You should be able to either refer to CAMHS yourself, or ask your GP to. With DD2, I wrote everything I could ever remember that fitted one of the 'triad of impairments' (difficulties with social interaction, social communication and repetitive behaviours). Silly things like at age 3, DD2 went through a phase of only wearing a skirt with 3 buttons, because she was 3. She had an obsession with repeating patterns that started in year R, after a lesson on them. I had to teach her eye contact. She sucked her hand and picked her knuckle instinctively. All stuff that, on its own, might have seemed silly, but together built a picture. I wrote so much that they decided to skip the bulk of the meetings and went straight to the waiting list for ADOS.

Your only decision is whether to pursue assessment. They can sort out whether it's ASD, ADHD, ADD, SPD, Dyspraxia, etc, later.

@lougle that is a great point I do need to write things down as I know there are things I've forgotten!
Just been out for a walk with DS and stepped aside to let a lady pass and she said something along the lines of thank you for letting me pass and my DS repeated what she said. He did this alot more when younger but still does it now sometimes under his breath, he will repeat dialogues from his favourite scenes in films too. I didn't realise until coming across the term echolalia that that is what it is.

Oh yes, all of that. DD2 used to watch 101 Dalmatians over and over. At exactly the same point, every time, she'd say "Why is Pongo sad?" Then I'd say "Because Pongo thinks the puppy is dead, so he's feeling very sad." and DD2 would say "But the puppy isn't dead ". Every time. Because she just couldn't grasp that Pongo could think something that she knew wasn't true.

Have you seen information on 'theory of mind' it's the concept of thinking or knowing something that someone else might not know/think.

DH has very limited theory of mind. He's always shocked if I hold a different opinion to him, because it simply doesn't occur to him that there are different opinions. He thinks that many subjective opinions are facts, then he's baffled when someone says something different. It's also linked to empathy, because too empathise, you have to understand how someone else is feeling, even if you don't feel that way yourself.

So, for example, I could say "I'm cold" and he would say "it's not cold " and I reply "No, DH, you're not cold. I am."

He sounds just like my daughter, who is 13 and was diagnosed at 10. the diagnosis really helped insofar as it gave us confidence that it was just how our daughter thinks, that it's her normal and a roadmap in how to help her do the things which will get her by in life with non ASD people.
It's still hard.
Push to get help if you can, join groups on FB and Reddit (though I recognise it's a cesspit) for parents of children with ASD.
We are all out there and once you educate yourself on it. Things will fall into Place and everything will get easier.

My son has asd and will do this.

But he has loads of social and emotional needs too.

Have you looked at dyspraxia? That's often more related to the fine motor skills as the primary and often sole issue.

You've had some great advice re pursuing a diagnosis, you may have to push and push, you need to know now that you need to be That Parent a lot more than others, because a lot of people whose support you need now will fob you off and minimise your son's behaviour.

I've not seen anyone mention caring Cutlery, it's specially made for kids and adults who have hand praxis difficulties controlling an ordinary knife and fork.
The handles are fatter and there's an indent for the index finger on the knife and fork and the spoon handle is more balanced so the 'correct' grip is maintained.

this shows how it's different to ordinary cutlery. www.completecareshop.co.uk/eating-aids/kura-care-cutlery/Kura-Care-Cutlery-Key-Features-video
A lot of caring cutlery looks old fashioned, but there are now some makes with coloured or stripy handles. I've found Kuracare a good make for DD and Complete Care Shop or NRS Healthcare have a good price whenever we've needed to renew.

@itsgettingweird I've honestly never read anything about dyspraxia but having had a nose on google I feel like that ticks alot of boxes!
I've read a few threads on here now regarding getting a diagnosis and I can see it isn't an easy process. I'm not a very confident person and I'll easily back off if a doctor says oh there's nothing wrong. My DS's father isn't interested in him in the slightest and wouldn't be supportive at all.

Just one question, for those of you with a diagnosis did you share your concerns with your DC especially if they were older before diagnosis? I'm pretty sure my DS doesn't think he's autistic/have adhd etc so would I mention it to him to see what he thought or not say anything until further down the line?

My son was like this - always in a hurry and fingers would get wiped on trousers etc! We've always got a napkin holder full of paper napkins on the table so he uses those.

Yes, we were very open about it with both children but introduced the idea slowly.

[quote Concerneduser]@itsgettingweird I've honestly never read anything about dyspraxia but having had a nose on google I feel like that ticks alot of boxes!
I've read a few threads on here now regarding getting a diagnosis and I can see it isn't an easy process. I'm not a very confident person and I'll easily back off if a doctor says oh there's nothing wrong. My DS's father isn't interested in him in the slightest and wouldn't be supportive at all.

Just one question, for those of you with a diagnosis did you share your concerns with your DC especially if they were older before diagnosis? I'm pretty sure my DS doesn't think he's autistic/have adhd etc so would I mention it to him to see what he thought or not say anything until further down the line?[/quote]
DD2 was telling me something was wrong from a relatively early age. Not directly, at first, but then she would ask 'why do I worry?' or 'why do I.....?' I gradually introduced the concept of ASD without naming it. Then, when we'd been accepted for assessment, we gave it a name.