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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coparenting and school closures

27 replies

Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 19:42

Help me here. Just had a horrid conversation with the ex. I covered 100% of home learning last time. I'm self employed and found it so hard to juggle work and home school 2 primary school kids who are different classes. If I don't work, I don't get paid and I'm a single parent. I did it but it almost broke me.

Ex works for NHS and said he can't cover any extra as "he has to work". He has them EOW weekends and one day in week and picked them up at 3pm as normal in those times too during last lockdown.

If I try and ask for help or for him to cover the full 1 day a week the school says fall on him, he starts ranting about cutting money or that I took him to court to restrict child access (he actually took me to court and got the exact days he asked for). I also don't believe if he has to take a day off work he would get a salary deduction in the NHS. Or, if like me he could do that work in the evening for the day a week. I have to do it every night.

He just twists it all to his advantage and I feel like I have to take all the hits covid sends. I'm worried if I try and press for him to do more he'll use money or try and take the kids away from me.

It's just impossible. I don't think I'm BU but is anyone else in the same position?

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 02/01/2021 19:45

If he is keyworker NHS, should the school take your child on 'his' days?

MrsDeadlock · 02/01/2021 19:46

Lots of us working in NHS have taken leave and/or altered our working patterns to cover childcare. The NHS is generally very reasonable for these things.

Also as a single parent keyworker he is able to access a school place for DC on his contact days (and maybe more).

His excuses are not reasonable in my experience of the NHS

OverTheRubicon · 02/01/2021 19:49

I was going to say the same re keyworker status. It's not on that your nights are now full days and so are his. Could you start dropping them.off at his place at 8.45am instead for their 'school day'? Bet he'd soon find an alternative.

Failing that, could you bubble with another family or a family member to help with school learning?

OverTheRubicon · 02/01/2021 19:52

Also if he sorts a keyworker place your children may well be in for the week (in our school you are either all in or all out as otherwise it's too tricky for bubbles). If so, I'd use the spots if you can, it's precarious enough as a single mum in a pandemic as it is, and you deserve as much or more rest as you would if in a two parent family.

Original poster
Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 19:58

All I'm asking is he takes them on his days at 9am which equates to 1 day a week. He just sees red and threatens me. He isn't fussed if the kids go into school on his keyworker status but we could easily manage between us if we shared. I feel bad putting the school under additional strain if we could manage between us (we could) and I feel the kids would be safer.

He would just love it as an exercise to cut maintenance. He earns a lot and only pays bare minimum he has to.

I'm 100% sure nhs would be sympathetic if he had to cover some of this. Ideally he should offer as a duty of care to his own children but it's all power play to him.

I hate this.

OP posts:
freezedriedromance · 02/01/2021 20:11

What does your court order say?

Original poster
Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 20:15

It doesn't say anything about covid! Just his pick up times are from school. The solicitor did say my "duties" on those days end at 9am drop offs ie if kids were unwell at school on the school days he picks up from, it would be him to attend to earlier pick ups but that's not explicitly listed in the order and has never been needed so far.

OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 02/01/2021 20:19

Its a nightmare isn't it. My ex won't help as we are tier 4 🤔

upthekyber · 02/01/2021 20:22

@Iris3456

It doesn't say anything about covid! Just his pick up times are from school. The solicitor did say my "duties" on those days end at 9am drop offs ie if kids were unwell at school on the school days he picks up from, it would be him to attend to earlier pick ups but that's not explicitly listed in the order and has never been needed so far.
My reading of this, is that he needs to cover the Wednesdays then and he can threaten but that's what he asked for and if he threatens to take money away then you would need to get his payments via the CMS. If he is threatening you just remind also, you can ask the school for the cover on his days doesn't need to be him. I would arrange for Wednesdays for them to be in school and he can pick up as he always did. He shoulda like a dick
AndcalloffChristmas · 02/01/2021 20:24

Our court order was written up to cover all of the time - I.e. I think it swaps at something like 11 am on school days, so that someone is always responsible even if they are at school. Exhs solicitor did that I think.
My exh has agreed to a reasonable split of time this time around but I do sympathise with you. He was a bit shit last time around at sticking to things but we’ll see.

I’d try to take up the keyworker place if I were you. Only one parent needs to be one, although I guess your exh will have to be the one to apply.

PatchworkElmer · 02/01/2021 20:28

I think he should be responsible for ‘his’ days. He’ll probably use his key worker status to put them in school. If you’re not happy with that (which I completely understand), I guess it could all fall to you again 😔

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 02/01/2021 20:31

I think him using a keyworker place is the way to go. The NHS needs all the people it can get at the moment, so I don't think he should be taking the time off if there is a viable alternative.

OverTheRubicon · 02/01/2021 20:35

@Iris3456

All I'm asking is he takes them on his days at 9am which equates to 1 day a week. He just sees red and threatens me. He isn't fussed if the kids go into school on his keyworker status but we could easily manage between us if we shared. I feel bad putting the school under additional strain if we could manage between us (we could) and I feel the kids would be safer.

He would just love it as an exercise to cut maintenance. He earns a lot and only pays bare minimum he has to.

I'm 100% sure nhs would be sympathetic if he had to cover some of this. Ideally he should offer as a duty of care to his own children but it's all power play to him.

I hate this.

You don't have the right to complain about the time and also refuse to let him get the kids a school place. Choose one.

His day, his choice and like others have said, it is wildly inappropriate to expect an NHS worker to take unnecessary additional leave right now when they have the ability to use a school place.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/01/2021 20:35

Keyworker place on his days.

Up to him if he chooses to use it or not

underneaththeash · 02/01/2021 20:36

There's no issue here surely. He's a keyworker, so the children go to school on his day and then he picks them up afterwards.

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2021 20:37

Pile of crap. My trust has sent out a length email about help that's available for parents. What holidays/unpaid leave parents can take. I'd contact the trust he works for and ask for a copy of their parent policy and special leave arrangements

Original poster
Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 20:45

@Hankunamatata that's a really useful point actually. He's not front line at all and I know how reasonable they were in the past. Thank you.

OP posts:
Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 02/01/2021 21:26

Op, wouldn't it actually be helpful for your work if your children could access keyworker places because of their father?

Why would you rather that he has to take time off (possibly unpaid) and has to work in the evening, if there is a better option?

Original poster
Iris3456 · 02/01/2021 22:21

Well I suppose its the weigh up. I'd prefer the kids to be home as I personally feel it's safer. He works from home and isn't front line so is able to be fully flexible, so technically not necessary to use the schools for key worker places for one day. its not like I'm suggesting he does 50% (I've learned equality isn't a concept for him very early in).

I'll have to ask the school if they are happy to cover his days. I know some schools are all days or nothing to help them logistically (understandable). Not sure I would want them in full time.

Rock and a hard place really.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 03/01/2021 11:26

Phone school and ask for key worker slot for your child. Tell them ex husband works for NHS do has to go to work but is responsible for child on X day. Child may have to go to school everyday though.

blueluce85 · 03/01/2021 12:30

Also OP if he pays maintenance in line with CMS, there is no justification to pay less as they do it based on overnights, not day times

EggBobbin · 03/01/2021 12:42

Sigh. I have this exact issue. ExH has them Mon/Tue night every other weekend and will collect at 5pm on Monday and return at 9am on Wednesday. I have suggested that we agree a consistent pick up/drop off time for school days (ie 9am Mon and Weds or 5pm Mon and Weds) but he’s left that message on unread as per...

Original poster
Iris3456 · 04/01/2021 19:21

So bloody annoying @eggbobbin. He's now agreed to essentially do 1 day a week. Not exactly helpful to me working but something. Or we take 2 day keworker place at school, school were happy to accommodate. I've opted for the latter but now worried I've made the wrong choice looking at all this scaremongering in the media. I feel like no decision is the right decision other than sucking it up, and dealing with it. Working 9pm - 1am/2am every night. It did almost break me last time but I guess I'm still here.

OP posts:
Chel098 · 04/01/2021 19:35

What does he do OP? Does he do shifts?

An0n0n0n · 04/01/2021 19:39

Tell him he owes 50% of childcare because his maintenance doesn't cover it and if he doesn't pay he doesn't get access and he can initiate court proceedings.

Oh and that he's a shitty exclusively at weekends convenience dad.