Has anyone experienced this with a new man? (Blowing hot and cold)

[Newyorkapple]

New poster so please bare with me, hopefully I've posted in the right place. Just looking for some advice really as I’m a bit confused and don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve been seeing a man for around 5 months, not exclusively yet as he has two children from a previous relationship and isn’t ready to introduce me yet (which is fine by me, definitely far too early anyway imo). I’m just enjoying spending time with him and seeing where it takes us, but he’s made it perfectly clear he wants a relationship with me in the future. I’m 25 and he’s 34 if it’s relevant.

When we’re together he is very affectionate and makes a lot of effort to make me feel special. He tells me I’m beautiful, that there is a strong connection between us and that he’ll miss me when I/he goes home for example. The issue I have is that I feel he’s a completely different person when we’re not together. He will text/call occasionally but he doesn’t seem very “interested”. We haven’t seen each other for 3 days as he’s had his kids so I sent him a quick message earlier saying “miss you, hope you’re having a nice day with the kids” and his reply was “aww thanks you to”. I understand he is focusing on his children and I wouldn’t want to disturb that routine (although he was online on WhatsApp at the time) but would it have killed him to say “miss you to”. I just felt so rejected to be honest, but am I overthinking things?

As I said, he is very affectionate and treats me well when we’re together so I’m struggling to put my finger on it. He’s definitely not married and I don’t think he’s the type to cheat or date multiple women. Maybe he’s just not a texter. (FYI, he has literally just called to see how I am/how my day has been whilst I was typing this out, so maybe I’m wrong). What do you all think?

Maybe I should just pluck up the courage to ask him/tell him how I feel.

By not exclusively you mean that he is dating other people?

Hmm when you say “not exclusive” what do you mean exactly? I understand him wanted to wait to introduce you to the kids , but 5 months seems to be a fair amount of time to have been dating without defining the relationship? And when he says he wants a relationship “in the future” what does that mean? Sounds like you are already in one?

He is quite a few years older than you, and he has children. You are not yet as big a part of his life as he is in yours.

By not exclusive do you mean dating other people? I wouldn’t put up with that after 5 months. I had the “are you seeing other people” chat with my DP after about a month.
If he is still at hardly surprising he’s blowing hot and cold! Sounds like you’re a back up.

He isn't dating anyone else as far as I'm aware. He's told me he's not interested in dating other people and is happy with me. We have both deleted the dating app that we met on etc. By exclusive, I just mean I haven't met his children/family yet although his family/friends do know about me and vice versa.

@IfTheSockFits I think you could be right.

I've never dated someone with children before (well bar one man but it didn't progress into anything) so I don't really know what to expect I suppose.

To be honest (and it is based on having a DD your age) my advice would be not to date a man with two kids when you are 25. Particularly as he's almost ten years older.

You should be enjoying your freedom, not placing yourself - inevitably - at least third priority down his list.

I think you would be better off in a relationship with someone in the same situation as yourself (younger, no kids) especially as he is not acting particularly keen.

So you are exclusive but he hasn't introduced you to his children until he knows it's serious. Well, that sounds sensible. But you have to ask yourself - do you want sensible? Not texting for three days because he has the kids would not be a big deal for me now - as I have kids and know how much time they take, but would I have been so understanding at 25?

@Catflapkitkat sorry! Maybe I didn't explain it properly. He has texted/called over the last few days but it's not very often, for example a quick message in the morning and then again at night. But perhaps this is normal when someone has children?

I think I'm more upset by the lack of affection over the phone, especially because I know he is very affectionate/attentive when we're together. I just want consistency really, but am I asking too much of him?

Can I just ask. What would you all say is the right amount of time before someone introduces you to their children? Or does it entirely depend on personal circumstances?

Please read a book called act like a lady and think like a man.

He is currently getting all the good stuff with no commitment - as a single parent you can be in a committed relationship and be exclusive without meeting the children.

To me not being exclusive means he is able to go and date, see, sleep with who ever he likes and have an out.

Oh my god - this is me exactly at the moment - apart from the ages and children - I can't put my finger on it and at my age (50) I really shouldn't be stressed with the anxiety it's making.
But as other posters have said - you are young and probably the better catch - for the want of a better word.
Know your worth and value yourself higher!
Step back and see how he behaves-
Or call him on it - ask why and see his answer in actions not words.
And I know I have to take my own advice

You’re 25, please don’t tie yourself down to a man with children for a hundred reasons this won’t work in your favour.

It depends on kiddy ages. My 9 year old is low maintenance so I can text often in the day. My sisters kids are high energy handfuls and when I look after them I am exhausted and a couple of texts a day would be my maximum!

I introduced my boyfriend to my daughter as my “friend” after about 9 months. Mostly we spend time when she isn’t here even now after 18 months together but he and DD her on ok on the odd occasion when we all do something together. I told DD he was my boyfriend after about 15 months.

I don’t think he sounds like he’s blowing hot and cold, just that you are second on his priority list when he has his kids which is the sign of a good parent. If it makes you really unhappy this might not be the guy for you!

I mean, I agree with everyone about the kids when you are 25 etc. But what you are describing isn't hot and cold, unless I am misunderstanding you. He has always been low on texting/calling when you are not together. This may well be a generational or personal thing.

I don't text that much - evening and morning text - and that would be if I was keen. And he did say he missed you - he said 'you too'.

Hot and cold is when you are full on (personally and text) one minute, then cold in person and crickets text-wise the next.

So yes, there may well be reasons this isn't the man for you, but the behaviour you describe isn't one of them, for me.

He said “aww thanks you to” - surely he means he is missing you too? So he has said he’s missing you, hasn’t he..?

In any case, I wouldn’t put a lot of 25 year old eggs in a 34 year old basket.

I would end it.

If you’re new here, spend some time on the step parent board.
You are way too young and deserving of more to be wasting your time with this guy. Someone with kids already is a major major complication in ways that at 25 with no kids yourself you can’t even begin to imagine.
The age gap is worrisome too

I wouldnt describe this as blowing hot and cold. To me, blowing hot and cold is being really inconsistent, eg calling you loads one weekend and then not the next, wanting to see you 3x one week and then not bothering for another fortnight. He is being quite consistent. He did respond and he was positive, he just didnt use the exact language youd have liked. And he has texted you since you've been on this site. If he is fine in person, I'd guess either he is just shit on the phone, or just likes to be present and involved with his kids. I'd rather date a man who was an active father than one who was on his phone all the time when he was meant to be with his kids. Though at mid 20s I'd rather date someone without kids

If you think he isn’t giving you what you want or need now , then have you thought how it would be if you ever move in together and he has the children and spends time with them?
I agree with PP that you’d be best finding someone without children.
I also don’t think he’s blowing hot and cold .

@Peace43 your message has actually made me feel a bit better thank you. It's interesting to hear from someone who's in a similar position. His children are 10 and 3 so I imagine he has his hands full, especially with the toddler.

I took his message "you to" to mean "hope you've had a good day to" but maybe I've read it wrong. As I said I could definitely be overthinking all of this.

I He doesn't sound like he's blowing hot & cold. It sounds like he's thinking about you, but just concentrating on his time with his children. I think you need to consider whether this is the right relationship for you though. He's never going to be "exclusive" to you. Doesn't make either of you wrong, but maybe it's time to think whether it's compatible with your idea of the relationship going forward. You sound as if you're at different life stages. It doesn't mean it couldn't work, but the fact you're overthinking & worrying about this 5 months in is probably not a healthy sign of building a long-term relationship.

OP I’m still confused about the “not exclusively” thing and him saying he wants to be in a relationship “in the future”. Are these his words or yours? I’ve never heard someone describe “not exclusively” as meaning you haven’t met his family yet. Have the two of you discussed and defined the relationship? Does he have the kids full time? If not, what is he like when the kids aren’t there but you are not together? You haven’t met his kids yet, but what about his friends? 5 months is definitely long enough to expect to be introduced to friends.
It sounds like your intuition is knocking for some reason, so if I were you , I would be mindful of that..

In terms of when it’s appropriate to meet the kids , I think it depends on the circumstances and the age. My friends partner introduced her to his kids the second date, but I do think that was irresponsible . Having said that, after 5 months, I would be starting to wonder why not have a low key introduction as a ‘friend’ or something like that..
if you think something is off, there’s usually a reason.. having said that, nothing specific you have said about his behaviour sounds particularly unusual/ bad .

His children are his priority, and always will be, which is as it should be.
I don't mean that unkindly, and hope it works out for you