To think that 90% of amazing..

DidIActuallyJustSayThat · 2021-01-02T07:32:28+00:00

sex is more about what's going on in your head than what is happening elsewhere? (Name changed for this, because it's very personal, but married for decades and musing on this lately..)

StephenBelafonte · 02/01/2021 07:48

I "kind of " get where you're coming from. I'm always puzzled at the threads on here from people complaining they've had bad sex. I've never had bad sex. Some sex has been a lot better than other sex but i've never had bad sex. What on earth is bad sex?

It's also about communication.

OverTheRubicon · 02/01/2021 07:50

@StephenBelafonte

I "kind of " get where you're coming from. I'm always puzzled at the threads on here from people complaining they've had bad sex. I've never had bad sex. Some sex has been a lot better than other sex but i've never had bad sex. What on earth is bad sex?

It's also about communication.

Seriously? Then you're very lucky. It's not just about communication it's about respect and noticing the needs of others - which very very very very men do not focus on once in bed.

Ifailed · 02/01/2021 07:52

What on earth is bad sex?
how about having sex when you don't really want to - there's an awful lot of women who put up with that.

Sinful8 · 02/01/2021 07:56

Ooo iirc there was a study on masturbation fantasies men tended to focus intensely on the person they were imagining face/body appearance etc,

women tended more towards focusing on the scene, the setting etc with the fantasy partner being less physically specific.

StephenBelafonte · 02/01/2021 07:57

how about having sex when you don't really want to - there's an awful lot of women who put up with that.

But surely thats rape. Not sex.

Original poster

DidIActuallyJustSayThat · 02/01/2021 08:12

This is not really how I expected this thread to go!

OP posts:

Goatinthegarden · 02/01/2021 08:12

@StephenBelafonte

I "kind of " get where you're coming from. I'm always puzzled at the threads on here from people complaining they've had bad sex. I've never had bad sex. Some sex has been a lot better than other sex but i've never had bad sex. What on earth is bad sex?

It's also about communication.

Bad sex is an entirely plausible concept...

I’m lucky in that I have had many positive experiences, but I’ve had a few partners that I just haven’t enjoyed the experience with. They were perfectly pleasant people too, we just weren’t compatible. One was over enthusiastic, prodding and ramming and the other incredibly nervous and struggled with his, erm, enthusiasm.

Over course, I could have spent time and effort ‘training’ them to fulfil my needs, but I didn’t care for that.

OverTheRubicon · 02/01/2021 08:15

@StephenBelafonte

how about having sex when you don't really want to - there's an awful lot of women who put up with that.

But surely thats rape. Not sex.

Not necessarily, in my view. If your partner wants to, say, share some food with you that you don't really feel like eating right now, and they force you to eat it anyway, that's clearly assault. If they threaten you or emotionally pressure you then it's absolutely unacceptable also.

But what if they're self-centred and you're a people pleaser, so you say no thanks, then they say 'ok' but sigh a bit and go off to clean up morosely you say "sure, I'll have a taste'?

Because that's the more likely scenario. And it might be emotional abuse if it's persistent or
serious, but it might also be 'just' some unhealthy personal and relationship patterns that could be fixed, especially given that men in our society are often encouraged to think that they have the right to sex and women to want to meet the needs of others.

Ifailed · 02/01/2021 08:15

But surely thats rape. Not sex.

Quite. I've enough female friends admit they've let their partner/husband 'do it', when they weren't really interested themselves.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/01/2021 08:29

I'm always puzzled at the threads on here from people complaining they've had bad sex. I've never had bad sex. Some sex has been a lot better than other sex but i've never had bad sex. What on earth is bad sex?

@StephenBelafonte, really? OK, I'll give you some examples of what I consider "bad sex" that I've personally experienced:

First time with new boyfriend. When we had sex he just put his head down and pumped away like he was on a sex doll. His head was not in the right place, he wasn't mentally engaging, and I bore the brunt.
BF with consistent premature ejaculation. It was rubbish as I like penetration.
BFs who no matter how often or how well I communicate what I like/dislike just can't or won't follow instructions.

Now, if I thought any sex was good as a default then I suppose I've never had bad sex. But I don't.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/01/2021 08:33

@DidIActuallyJustSayThat, I get what you mean. I was dating a lovely man who was technically doing the right things physically but he was so serious in bed. I like sex to be more lighthearted, like adult playtime, and got so self-conscious (unlike me) with him I couldn't relax enough to enjoy it.

ILoveAnOwl · 02/01/2021 08:36

Rape is non consentual. Having sex when you're not really up for it but haven't been cohersed/ forced and when 'no' was an option is a choice. There is a huge difference between the two.

Sparklingbrook · 02/01/2021 08:39

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex

DrManhattan · 02/01/2021 08:59

Bad sex totally exists

suggestionsplease1 · 02/01/2021 09:09

What do you mean in your opening post OP, as there are a couple of different takes on that. Some people fantasize a lot during partner sex so they are sort of getting off on the scenario/ pictures in their heads and the physical sensations from what is actually happening accompany that - but they're not mentally tuned in to the actual moment.

Or you could mean that if you're very relaxed, comfortable, confident and generally in the right place mentally with your relationship and the sex that you're having that this creates the amazing sex. And your partner and you could be doing exactly the same things in bed at another time but if you're in that great place mentally then it's not so good?

BombyliusMajor · 02/01/2021 09:12

I am amazed by the idea that some people have never had bad sex. It’s like when people say ‘I love food!’ and you think, well, we all like food we enjoy, but surely there’s a lot of food out there that we would find repellant? Like raw bat flesh or monkey brains?

Bad sex is sex that feels uncomfortable / painful / awkward / lonely / disgusting /
slightly soul destroying. Bad sex is where there are surprises that are not to your taste, like a gust of a nasty smell from your partner’s body, or they dribble on you when they kiss you, or they lean on you until you get pins and needles in your neck, or they suddenly start talking in a creepy falsetto voice or they start telling you about their fantasies of being your sissy maid and dressing in crinolines and having you piss in their mouth. And you can communicate all you like but your partner doesn’t take it on board because they’re in their own little world where you don’t matter.