To ask for advice - sex less marriage

[TheUplift]

Together 18 years 2 young dc.
So many of our friends have said we’re like the perfect couple but we’ve not had sex in 2 years.
I had to have an abortion due to financial reasons. After that I said if we were going to have sex again he would need to use a condom. As Dh doesn’t like condoms he is waiting to have the snip he’s certainly not rushing this.
We are like brother and sister we get along but I fancy him or lust after him and obviously he doesn’t fancy me either as he’s so happy to continue without sex.
He’s a lovely person, good dad and he’s part of family - my dad and brothers adore him.
It would break my families and my children’s hearts if we were to split but I’m nearly 40 if I wait for the children to grow I might never meet someone else?
I’m so miserable and lonely desperately wanting affection and lust in my life.

I dont* fancy or lust after him

Bump

Maybe he's just scared of the snip/potential pregnancy and more affected by the abortion than you thought? (Not judging or making excuses but if you still love him then you need to find out!)

He just makes excuses and say he’ ll sort out getting the snip. I’ve not asked him in a couple of months I bored of his excuses

What age are your children? It’s a really really difficult one. If you think you can get the lust back and have a full marriage then you really need to lay it on the line for him and be clear that’s what you want. If you think you’re way past that... maybe it is best to draw a line. But remember there is lots more to a relationship than sex and a bigger family picture to think about. Very hard

He has to talk to you about what's making you so unhappy to build trust and intimacy. If that takes you laying it on the line that you're considering divorce then you may need to say that. Sorry things are so difficult at the moment, doesn't mean they can't improve but they won't without communication. Have you tried?

So sorry OP

If he is overall a good partner can you find a way to bring home to him that this is now a really serious situation that is endangering your marriage?

Don’t know where that will lead, and you may very well need professional counselling, but if you can possibly get him to engage I think you have to do what you can to try and fix things.

If you can’t, or he literally can’t engage then yes you may have to make plans to call it a day if a sexless marriage cannot work for you. That’s a completely reasonable position.

On a simple note, could guy try the coil if he doesn’t like condoms and is scared of the snip?

Can you use any other form of contraception?

Is it no sex at all, or no PIV sex?

I can relate to this, except it's me with no sex drive at all. The contraception im on hugely hinders it and I've told my Oh a number of times he can leave if he wants , I totally understand the need for sex but I love him and I genuinely can't help it. It's so hard Op, if you love him, stick it out if you can, it might get better. It's so hard with children at home too, not sure about yours but we don't get any time without them as ours are a bit older and nocturnal right now! Depends what's important I guess, lots of lustrous sex or a loving relationship with a good man. We're all different in what we need/want.

I'm divorced. My children's hearts aren't broken at all. In fact, all you ever hear from adults of unloving parents, is that they wish they'd split up. On the contrary, it's an important lesson to teach my girls, and I think it's relevant that they're girls...as a mother I don't have to put myself last all the time, just like they don't have to when they're mothers.

This could be me. I've decided to stay. The grass probably isn't greener on the other side. If Ieft DH I'd be skint and lonely as well as undesired. DH is decent company, pulls his weight around the home, often thoughtful and generous. Would I, as a single mum of 2 kids with no money or time to date and a body past its best, attract a better man than the one who is making me a cuppa right now? No, I'd still be sexless but also completely alone and unsupported. I just need to learn to live with not having a sex life ever again