To think my sons dad is just a waste of space.

[Starry4120]

I have DS 10 with a previous partner. If it’s relevant we split when I was pregnant so a long time ago.

He’s always seen him to a certain extent but more in the terms of an hour here and there, or a few hours at the weekend. Never full days of overnight or anything. He’s never had to be a parent on a daily basis if that makes any sense.

Anyway, things weren’t great before covid and first lockdown. Since he had younger children with his partner it dwindled out and contact was hanging on by a thread. Maybe seen him 3 times in 6 months prior to first lockdown - only lives 10 minutes away so this is not the issue.

Anyway, as many parents will know children have been allowed to travel between parents throughout. But despite living pretty close by sons dad never really bothered and used covid as an excuse. Even when things got a little better in the summer it never really happened.!

My ex told DS that dads aren’t allowed to see their children during lockdown?! So DS doesn’t think he’s allowed to see his dad!

This came up at school. DS was talking to a member of staff how he hasn’t seen his dad in lockdown but a TA (not knowing the situation) said oh but children can still go to both parents (not their fault at all, they just didn’t know the situation). So now DS is confused by what his dad says and what a ta said (before Christmas). Wondering why he hasn’t seen his dad.

Aibu to think my ex is just a waste of space and using covid as an excuse? He doesn’t live more than 10 minutes away so different areas isn’t part of it. Even if he was vulnerable or anxious about covid (don’t think he is) surely he could come over here and take DS for a walk or something just so he’s seen him?!

I don’t care either way. I’m used to it but it’s just DS he gets so confused and upset why he barely sees his dad or his younger siblings on that side.

Is this just really shitty parenting? It’s not like he was seeing him much in the months leading up to covid either.

Poor boy. Just be honest and say the TA is right and you don't know why he hasn't been. Utter prick.

Thank you so much for not blaming the TA in this situation. It really is very much appreciated.
Your DS could so easily have heard this on the news anyway.

Aww poor boy, it’s difficult isn’t it when they are lazy good for nothings. Just be true full and be there to pick up the pieces.

Yes, his dad is shit. No two ways about it. My two boys 12 and 9 live with their father, another story, 50 miles away. When covid originally appeared we jointly agreed to put contact on hold. I usually see them every mon, tues, fri overnight into Saturday. I'm also a carer so had my clients to consider. After 6wks I suggested we review the situation. I had been speaking to the boys 3 times a day via video call, their request, much to their dads annoyance. It took a further 4wks before normal contract resumed after several weeks of a couple of hours at tea time, instigated by their father. Hes a royal pain in the arse. Your DS father lives 10 mins away, he has no excuse not to see his child. If I can manage 4 round trips to see my kids every week, as well as working 3 nights and ferrying my step kids about hes no bloody excuse. Men arghhhh

Wow!!! @MaskingForIt

Thanks all. Absolutely not the ta’s fault, I was just explaining the story and how it came about.

@MaskingForIt I was with the guy 11 years ago. I never imagined how bad things would get, we all make mistakes. Well not a mistake as I wouldn’t have DS! I have a long term partner of 9 years that treats DS as his own!

@MaskingForIt how is that helpful? Blaming the OP for the actions of her child’s father is simply passing the buck of responsibility. It’s not her fault he is a shit dad and it’s not her fault she didn’t have a crystal ball to know in advance that he would be a shit dad making excuses not to see his child.
Every time someone posts about their kids dad not being a great parent someone pipes up blaming the mum for having kids with him in the first place.

My exh stopped seeing my kids over a year ago. We were married, supposedly in love, but he had affairs after the kids came along and then got physically abusive with me in front of them- is that my fault too? Should I have known how he was going to behave years before he started behaving that way?

OP your son knows his dad has lied about why he can’t see him, all you can do is support him through any emotions he might be feeling about that

No need for that @MaskingForIt !!
In your situation OP (and I was in your situation once upon a time) I would go with honesty. Geared to the child's age and understanding. Ultimately your son will make his own mind up about his (useless) father in time.
Its heartbreaking isn't it? Poor kid.

How though ?? @MaskingForIt people change , we aren’t psychic ! My dcs dad is a good dad and he sees them often so I don’t have any complaints there but we split because he cheated , I didn’t plan for that . To my knowledge he hadnt cheated prior. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with him if I’d have thought he’d behave like that but he did in the end so that was that

People who behave badly often don’t start out that way . You or anyone else could find yourself in the same situation

@MaskingForIt

It is shitty parenting, but it doesn’t look good on you either. You chose to have children with this useless waster. It’s a shame you didn’t chose a better father for him really, and have landed him with this waste of space.

Ignore these unhelpful comments.

Agree with TA.. i told my Ds i didnt know why he didn't see him ..was a better answer than he is a self absorbed wanker.

Your Ds will already realise the lack of involvement. Be honest

Please ignore MaskingForIt, they are deliberately trying to derail the thread and feed off the attention. Probably a bored teenage boy.

@MaskingForIt imagine being you and going on about being a waste of space. Hilarious.

@MaskingForIt it’s really easy for someone to pass judgment when they’ve never been through it. DS wasn’t planned with my ex, it happened and of course I don’t regret it, he seemed like the perfect partner at first, he was so excited about being a dad but the novelty wore off. He treated me like absolute dirt during the third trimester of my pregnancy. Emotionally abusive, financially abusive and cheated numerous times. I ended up in hospital related to stress and exhaustion from it all. But I’m not sure if any of this is relevant. Not that any of this should be relevant to my op.

To be fair. Once DS was born he did seem to change and settle down (even if we weren’t together). It’s just slowly dwindled out over the years. It’s got progressively worse since he met his now partner and had children with her!

I didn’t plan for this. But the main thing is, despite DS having a difficult relationship with his dad and being confused by it all. He is loved by myself, my partner (who’s been in his life since he was around 1), he hasn’t missed out on a single thing in life.

I’ve just got to the point I’m sick of it. Picking and choosing when to see him or not. It makes no difference to me whether he sees him or not just sucks seeing DS so confused.

I grew up without a regular father figure too.

Sometimes life isn’t a fairytale and things happen! Life doesn’t always work out the way it should.

@MaskingForIt

It is shitty parenting, but it doesn’t look good on you either. You chose to have children with this useless waster. It’s a shame you didn’t chose a better father for him really, and have landed him with this waste of space.

Wow what a delight you are. Op ignore this petty pointless comment.

The blunt truth is some men cannot be bothered to be fathers unless it is on their terms (or for some, not at all) They don't want to put in the effort, or the time, or the money, or the thoughtfulness, or make the plans and invest the input needed to build a positive relationship with their children. I know, I am the daughter of one of them. I wouldn't lie to your son, but make it clear that his Dad's lack of effort is not your son's fault, there is nothing wrong with him and it's nothing to do with him. It hurts and it's painful.

Stop engaging with the dickhead and I don't mean your ExP