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Original poster

I am being childish?

26 replies

Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 12:25

Hi, first time poster here. I have an ongoing situation with a friend that is really getting me down, and I would appreciate other women's opinions on it.

I have one very close friend, who I have known for a long time. She is my only friend. Recently someone that she has known for a long time (I'll call her A) has moved closer to us, so they have started to spend a lot more time together. Now whenever I see my friend, she will bring up several times during each conversation. I don't know A at all but I have no qualms about her talking about other people who are important to her, but it is the particular way she brings up A that is starting to grate at me a bit.

"A is so slim" (I am obese)
"A has such a good job" (I am a struggling student)
"A has so much disposable income she can afford x" (I am always on a budget)
"A is so funny/has great taste/is so charismatic" (I am none of those things, and I can't remember the last time my friend laughed at one of my jokes)
"A's cats are so cute, I really want a cat"(She will then show me photos of the cats and coo over them. This one bemuses me because she hates cats! I have several and she has always said she can't stand how hairy and 'dirty' animals are in general. I've shown her photos of my cats before and she's been thoroughly disinterested)
"A's teeth are so white" (Mine are stained yellow)
"A's wedding was lovely. Her and her husband are so happy together" (I have never had a relationship. My friend knows how much this eats away at me)

This sounds like a petty high school thing to be posting about even as I am typing it out, but it is seriously affecting me as this is my only friend. I have autism and struggle to make friends, and she truly is a good one. But recently I feel like she is obsessed with A - my friend has dropped weight extremely quickly, decided to no longer take extra study courses so that she can get a job quicker, wants to live in the same building A lives in...

Am I just being pathetic? I know for certain I am very insecure. She doesn't talk about A none stop but it is frequent enough that after the last time we met I just cried - I had felt so shit all day because I felt like I couldn't compare and thought she must never talk about me like that, because I have nothing going for myself.

I even had the childish thought of "why don't you just go hang out with her then, if she is so great". I couldn't believe myself when I thought that.

I am in my late twenties so still young, but not young enough to be feeling like this in a friendship.

Am I being ridiculous in this situation?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/01/2021 12:31

Not pathetic but yes a bit ridiculous.

When she's talking about A (and as you pointed out she doesn't do it non stop), she actually is talking about A.

But for some reason (your own insecurities I guess) you're making it all about you.

That's not your friend's fault and it's not something she has any control over.

How you react to other people is entirely down to you I'm afraid.

Andbearsohmy · 01/01/2021 12:33

Your friend is comparing herself to A. Her comments come from a place of insecurity. It must be annoying to hear it all but try not to take it personally and relate it to you and your life.

Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 12:39

Thank you for your replies, I can see I am making it all about me. Do you think maybe what she's doing is a bit insensitive? In particular she knows I am desperate for a loving relationship and she keeps bringing up how happily married her friend is?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/01/2021 12:59

I can't really say she's being insensitive. She's happy for her friend that she has a great relationship. I'm happy for my friends too if they're happily settled down.

That doesn't mean I don't care about the state of my other friend's relationships.

Sandalison · 01/01/2021 13:00

I expect your friend is comparing herself to A, but probably feels she has more in common with you. She probably hasn’t stopped to think that by bigging A up in comparison to herself, she’s indirectly damaging your self worth, by association.

Try reminding her of things you and she have that you are happy and grateful for (regardless of whether it applies to A) sounds like you could both do with a self esteem boost.

Tinty · 01/01/2021 13:06

I think your friend is slightly hero worshiping A. When she brings A up listen to her but also remind her of the positive things about herself.

She obviously likes you as a friend as well, else she wouldn’t want to meet up with you too.

She will probably stop talking about A all the time soon.

Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 13:34

Thank you for the replies, I hadn't stopped to think that she may be doing it because of her own low self-esteem. It does make me angry that she wouldn't even think of how it makes me feel though. When she talks about how great A is, I always get the feeling she thinks A and her are on a higher 'level' than me in terms of success

OP posts:
Imiss2019 · 01/01/2021 13:43

Maybe she doesn’t see you as negatively as you see yourself though so it wouldn’t occur to her that she’s being insensitive?

You sound a touch bitter which isn’t attractive.

Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 13:50

Yes I am quite bitter and jealous tbh. I wasn't at first but as this has continued happening it has begun to eat away at me. I think if she thought of me positively she would say positive things about me, which she never does. I compliment her regularly I can't remember a single time she has paid me a compliment. So I don't think it's that

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/01/2021 13:56

I think if she thought of me positively she would say positive things about me, which she never does.

She probably does to other people.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2021 14:02

She doesn't sound like a nice friend. She's rude about your cats, she doesn't laugh at your jokes, she bores on about another friend while you're together, that's not someone who I would enjoy spending time with.

I'd imagine it's going to be relatively short lived as if I were A I wouldn't want to be hero worshipped or slavishly copied in that way and would definitely want to distance myself from someone like that. However, I don't think this friendship is offering you much or helping your self esteem. I would start looking for ways of meeting other people who may be more like minded or genuinely interested in you - online at the moment of course given current circs!

MatildaTheCat · 01/01/2021 14:04

She sounds as if she’s got a bit of a crush on A. Not in a sexual way but certainly very starry eyed.

It would be perfectly ok for you to say very gently that hearing how wonderful A’s life is it makes you feel a bit rubbish. Wait until she’s doing it. I bet she doesn’t realise she’s doing it even.

In the meantime though, what are you doing about improving your opinion of yourself? You write very well and have good insight into a situation. Those are really great qualities. I bet you are also a loyal friend.

Alexkate2468 · 01/01/2021 14:15

I think your friend has put this other friend on a pedestal and perhaps talks about her so much because she wants to be like her.
I think your insecurities are making it something that it isn’t. I don’t think it’s about you at all. She also probably views you in a way more positive light than you see yourself so it might not occur to her that you would have the reaction you have had. As far as complimenting you goes...I don’t think friends sit around complimenting each other...mine certainly don’t. I can’t remember the last time they said something complimentary to my face....but I know they think good things about me and probably say nice things to others if I crop up in conversation. I think my friends are great...I don’t explicitly tell them that often though...

I think it might be good for you to work on your own self esteem. It will make a big difference to your happiness and also make making friends a lot easier. You will have so many positive things about you...make sure you acknowledge them and treat yourself kindly.

gotyerhat · 01/01/2021 14:18

I don't think you're being ridiculous. It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem a bit as you have spoken very negatively about yourself here. Your friend's behaviour sounds a bit annoying, it's hard to know how to respond to people gushing about others. Maybe you could say "it would be lovely to meet her, she sounds great, maybe we could all do X together?". As PPs have said, she might be saying the same sorts of things to the friend about you!

BrightlightsSmallvillage · 01/01/2021 14:20

Try gently suggesting she shouldn't compare herself to A so much, that she will only make herself unhappy.

FutureDuchessofHastings · 01/01/2021 14:32

I mean this gently but it sounds a bit like you put a lot of pressure on your friend as you say she is your only friend. The fact is that you are not her only friend and she is allowed to like other people and have other friends. It sounds as though this might be making you a bit prickly to any mention of A. Your friend does sound a bit OTT in her adoration of A but maybe A has given her something to admire and strive for in her own life. The things she sees in A are what she wants for herself, not what she wants you to be.

thedamnseason · 01/01/2021 14:34

My best friend does the mentionitis thing sometimes with a new friend. It is quite annoying.

Slightly different but she met someone at a class some years back and was always banging on about how cool, funny, nice this person was and that we were quite similar and I'd really like them.

Well, when I met this person I couldn't stand them. 😄
I don't think we're even slightly similar (except we are both quite political and passionate). I didn't like her at all, she's snide, two faced and manipulative.
I was so offended! 😄

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2021 14:52

@BrightlightsSmallvillage

Try gently suggesting she shouldn't compare herself to A so much, that she will only make herself unhappy.
I don't think she is comparing herself to A (unlike the OP).

She's just happy about her new closer relationship with A.

The mentionitis will fizzle away soon enough.

Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 15:23

Thank you for all your replies, I've just come back from a walk. How do you work on your self esteem? What does that involve?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 15:24

Or how does one work on their self esteem? That reads better

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 15:27

I don't think I put pressure on her because I am her only friend, when I have had more friends in the past our relationship has been pretty much the same. I do get more affected by little things going wrong though, because if I lose this friendship I will be totally only. It's not a great situation to be in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 15:28

Mentionitis! I've never heard that before but it fits perfectly

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 01/01/2021 15:29

It sounds as though this is very much a “you” issue that you need to work on as your feelings are coming from your insecurities, and it isn’t your friends responsibility to deal with that.

Original poster
Pisteachios · 01/01/2021 15:52

I never said it's her responsibility; she doesn't even know I feel this way and I'm not going to tell her. I'm trying to work through my feelings.

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 01/01/2021 19:34

Sounds to me that she is a bit insecure, and wants you to commiserate with her.
If I’m talking with a friend about how beautiful/successful/amazing a mutual friend is, is it so that I can share my own shortcomings and maybe my aspirations to improve certain areas of my life.

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