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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Separated, but living together as friends with a child

27 replies

MissEyreBronte · 01/01/2021 10:45

Myself and partner have decided to end our relationship. We’re not married but we have a child together and we also have a house (mortgage).
Our current financial situation means we are better off living together as we are for now...we also feel it’s the less disruptive situation for our child.

Has anyone else done this?

OP posts:
Bingowin · 01/01/2021 10:48

I take it you get on well!

I think the difficulty will be when one of you meets someone new I think.

My brother and his partner split when she was in early pregnancy,they get on well and bring up their son pretty happily. This seems rare as most people seem to hate their exes!

Whatever works I think 😀

notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2021 10:50

I doubt it's feasible long term. I would suggest that, whilst it's all amicable, you agree how to move on separately, rather than wait until it goes wrong and then gave a horrible messy split

Candyfloss99 · 01/01/2021 10:52

It will never work if you ever want to move on from him.

toconclude · 01/01/2021 10:52

I knew someone at work who had done this for a long time. Seemed to work for them. Neither wanted to live with their new partners for various reasons.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/01/2021 10:52

Aren’t you just delaying the almost inevitable mess? Not sure your kid growing up in a loveless house sends the right message about ‘family’. What happens when one of you meet someone. It’s going to fail.

QueenOfLabradors · 01/01/2021 10:53

Some of the happiest parents I know are actually separated... But you do need to prepare a plan ready for one or both of you forming a new relationship.

toolazytothinkofausername · 01/01/2021 10:55

@notanothertakeaway

I doubt it's feasible long term. I would suggest that, whilst it's all amicable, you agree how to move on separately, rather than wait until it goes wrong and then gave a horrible messy split
I agree.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/01/2021 10:57

I'm very amicable with my ex husband but I couldn't have done this. What if either of you want a new relationship at some point? That will confuse your child.

It might work for a short amount of time but I don't think it would be good long term.

Bluebird2021 · 01/01/2021 10:57

You really need to be careful

One of you will move on quicker
New people will be quick to enter the scene
Finances...you both work? Benefit claims could be an issue as how could you claim to be a lone parent?

LittleMissLockdown · 01/01/2021 10:57

I think its delaying the inevitable and oculd also lead to more confusion for your child as they grow.

I also wouldn't want to raise my child in a house where they didn't experience their parents having a loving relationship. As they grew up they would notice all the small moments of affection which were missing.

There's also the huge hurdle of what happens when one of you wants a new relationship. I think its niave to think ots a workable solution.

blubberyboo · 01/01/2021 10:59

It will be fine for a while until one of you meet a new partner
That new partner won’t accept the arrangement and there will be jealousy insecurity and arguments

My brother has 3 kids by 2 different partners and his new partner kicks off if he happens to bump into one of his exes when seeing his kids. His last partner did the same thing.
He spent Xmas kicked out because he spoke to one of his exes for 2 mins

I think if your ex meets someone new it will very quickly change the arrangement at he demand of his new gf

modge · 01/01/2021 11:02

I grew up in a house like this and it's only as an adult that I appreciate how much it's affected my understanding of relationships and family, and not in a positive way. Both my parents had new relationships that inevitably felt "secret" and like affairs and even as a child I was confused about what I was supposed to know or tell my other parent.

I can completely understand the financial reasoning but please think very carefully about the role modelling you give to your child in this type of situation.

blubberyboo · 01/01/2021 11:03

I also agree it sends unhealthy messages to the child
They will think that parents don’t normally hug and kiss each other
And if new people come on the scene it will seem very strange.. almost like it’s ok for a partner to have a relationship outside a marriage iyswim as the child will still think of you as together
It’s probably kinder in long run to start moving on sooner and make those financial arrangements to separate

SapatSea · 01/01/2021 11:11

I had a friend who did this. They had a house with a through lounge and were able to reinstate the wall, her ex had the front reception as a bed sitting room. It was fine until her new bf came on the scene who also happened to be a good friend of her ex, neither would move out or wanted to give up any custody. It all got a bit acrimonious and difficult. The house was my friend's before the marriage so she felt it was hers and her ex felt he should have half since he had paid towards the mortgage for years. They had a plan to convert the house into 2 flats but in the end my friend and new bloke bought a house with a basement flat for the ex to own and live in. Lots of counselling sessions and mediation etc but they got there in the end, the ex still feels aggrieved as he is "the servant quarters."

It may work short term but I do think you need a "what if" plan.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/01/2021 11:13

I did it for a while, it was ok as we were both on the same page with the break up but I wouldn't have wanted to do it for long. My bro and his partner are doing this for the next 3 years due to mortgage and debt and I have no idea how they will manage but they are trying. In both cases there was a spare bedroom, without one it would be impossible

Original poster
MissEyreBronte · 01/01/2021 11:27

Thanks for replies. We’ve got a spare room so that’s not an issue currently. We’ve been open about the fact we both might meet someone new and then take it from there.

OP posts:
LittleMissLockdown · 01/01/2021 11:34

@MissEyreBronte

Thanks for replies. We’ve got a spare room so that’s not an issue currently. We’ve been open about the fact we both might meet someone new and then take it from there.
Have you also considered and discussed the impact this will have on your child's idea of what a relationship looks like or how they will cope if one of their parent's meets a new partner. As I said I appreciate the financial difficulties but I still feel it's quite niave to think that your child won't be more negatively affected by this than they would be if you just split now.
middleager · 01/01/2021 11:38

How old is your child? I'm guessing fairly young.

If they are still too young to understand then I'd advise you part to avoid a situation where they are old enough to understand. It gets more comicated the older the children.

happylittlechick · 01/01/2021 11:40

Have you thought about nesting? I think this would be better because then you have your own space. Also depending on how old your child is they may be better off getting used to single parenting sooner rather than later.
I think it's inevitable that you will eventually grow resentful of each other. Things that you put up with when in a relationship like someone not washing up straight away or never hoovering will grow into bigger issues.

Original poster
MissEyreBronte · 01/01/2021 11:46

Neither of us are in a position financially to physically separate, due to various things including debt. I am worried about the impact on our son (he’s 2) but he’ll be surrounded by love and security, he also has two sets of very involved and loving grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissEyreBronte · 01/01/2021 11:47

It’s obviously not going to be a very long term situation, but for the foreseeable it’s really our only option.

OP posts:
H0Tcarrots · 01/01/2021 11:52

I have been doing this since March. Although it’s slightly different in that my ex and I lived separately for a while. (The kids have always lived in the house, we moved in and out.) Nearly 3 years after our separation my ex and I get along very well and I date which he is aware of. Getting to this point was a process, and one that I think would be harder if we had been living together the whole time.

I do think about how my kids view it and how it will form their ideas of relationships in the future. Ideally, my kids would see two adults having a loving, affectionate, committed, romantic relationship. But, guess what, that wasn’t going to happen anyway. What my kids do see is a loving, committed friendship. They see two people coming together to make things work for the whole family. They see a mother who is able to have her own life, rather than just service the needs of her family. They see that change isn’t always bad. And they see that things don’t have to fit a preconceived notion of perfect to be good.

Is it going to last forever? No

Does it have an impact on any future relationship I might have? Yes

Is it the best option for me and my family right now? Definitely

Draineddraineddrained · 01/01/2021 11:59

I must say I'm a bit confused by posters thinking that seeing a relationship between their parents where they prioritise the child's best interest and comfort, are polite and civil to each other but not necessarily romantic, is worse than seeing their parents divorce, live separately and then make the child travel between them because that makes it easier for them (the adults) to start new sexual relationships. That sends a message to the child as well - that they are less important than the parents' new relationships. I think the message that people can live together peacefully and parent effectively without being "in love" is a far better and message to send and I don't see why it should be 'damaging'.

Also the assumption they will both definitely meet someone new - why should they, or why should this affect their (unorthodox) home life if they are committed to it? You don't actually HAVE to have a romantic partner, or if you do you don't have to live with them.

For me it would all depend on what was best for my child,who didn't ask to be part of this situation.

Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails · 01/01/2021 12:04

Op if it's for a period while you get your ducks in a row I don't think there's an issue, but I absolutely would make sure you do it for as shorter time as possible.

happylittlechick · 01/01/2021 12:24

I think it would be less unsettling for your child for you to split fully now than in 2years time. The younger they are the more they just accept things. I also think that pp are right. Now you are amicable enough to effectively co-parent. If you continue to live together and resentment grows you may miss that opportunity and end up in a dysfunctional co-parent relationship.