MiL and DH

[hopingfrbetter]

My MiL is 88, and lives in large house in a remote area. Two months ago, my FiL was admitted to hospital with a serious illness. He is recovering, but it will be some time before he returns home.

When FiL was admitted to hospital, my DH went to stay with his mother (my MiL). I do not live with my DH, although we are still married. The reason why we live separately is because DH's behaviour can be challenging and this is not good for our 19 year old son who lives with me and has MH issues. We also have a 21 year old son who has serious MH issues and lives in supported accommodation.

MiL can be very controlling, and the onset of dementia has made her need to control even more profound. DH has Asperger syndrome and MH issues and finds it difficult to regulate his emotions. Over the weeks, I have received daily, tearful calls from MiL about my DH's behaviour towards her (shouting, swearing, threatening). I know from experience that this is exactly how he behaves under stress. I have also seen DH daily (away from our son) where he rants about his mother's behaviour (insisting he stays at her home until noon and comes back at 4 pm; following him around and shouting at him). I know his account of this behaviour is also true, and that it is made worse by the strange power dynamic between DH and his mother.

Two days ago, my DH walked out and returned to his lodgings. His mother is very upset and furious. I have been to see MiL and she is coping with help from her niece, who visits regularly. I can also drop things off for her and make sure she is OK, although work and care commitments and the fact that I do not drive, limit the amount of support can give.

I feel my DH has done the right thing by leaving his mother's house. However, his mother insists that he has been selfish and cruel by leaving his mother alone at her time of need. Yet, when they live together, the relationship is one of irrational control and abuse.

AIBU to insist to my MiL that her son is really not capable of caring for her and that their relationship is much more positive when they do not live together or is there no way MiL will ever accept this?

Is there anyone else in the family who can do the caring for your MIL? I agree that it sounds like it shouldn’t be your husband, but as she’s 88, living alone and with what sounds like minimal support around her, it also sounds like she needs someone.

Yanbu, your dh is not capable of looking after mil now or more so as she deteriorates. Don’t get too involved as she will rely on you.

Why don’t you divorce your dh?

I wouldn't get involved.

As awful as it is, you need to leave them all to it. Don't comment on or referee their relationship. It's a set pattern created over 40-50 years (presumably) that you capable of breaking.

My DH and his sister have a horrible dynamic which I fruitlessly tried to improve. Now I tell them both that their issues are nothing to do with me and my life is much happier for it.

*you are not capable of breaking

Hello,
Thank you for the response. Miranda, I feel exactly the same. MiL is difficult to live with, but she is also very vulnerable and under a lot of stress. I would like her to agree to a care assessment so her needs (including her need for a befriender) can be catered for. I am sure, she will need more care, and her husband will also need a lot of care when he is discharged.

Always Cheddar - this is a question I ask myself, but we live separately and he is very very vulnerable, despite his inability to cope with stress.

BackwardsGoing: yes, my husband and I are in our early sixties, so the dynamic between mother and son has been going on for six decades. I think, perhaps, the control may have .had a function when my husband was a small child, because it gave him really solid boundaries at a time when autism was not understood. However, the relationship has evolved into something very unpleasant.

I think it may be too late in the day to change the parameters of the relationship between your husband and his mother.

You sound as though you have a lot on you plate, juggling complicated people. Please do take care of yourself. I agree that your MIL needs more help and I would concentrate what time/energy you can spare for her in trying to persuade her to get that sorted out.

I do not know how you are managing, OP. All these people relying on you. You must be exhausted! I hope you also have a team of trustworthy professional carers so you get a break as well!!! Your DH and MIL need space away from each other. MIL probably needs to respect that you are too busy with your boys to be dealing with her needs (although dementia is likely to affect her decision-making.) I think it’s time to put your hands up and call for emergency help from her GP. Admit that this situation is never going to work. Let them know the big picture and that there needs to be something put in place ASAP before matricide/filicide eventuates.

I agree that I wouldn’t get involved. Leave it to him and her.
You need to step away for your own sanity.

It sounds harsh but your MIL isn’t your responsibility. Your sons are. They sound like they need you so I would completely disengage with your dh and MIL and let them get on with it. Your dh doesn’t sound very nice at all, issues or not.

if he has moved out, it sounds as if she is at less risk of danger, despite being pissed off.
If he does move back, or start visiting, consider getting advice from this charity.
Elder Abuse helpline: 0808 808 8141

You can’t let them drag you down. It might make you ill as you get older - no offence intended.