AIBU to feel like this?

[Hunkyd0ry]

Bit of background (I think it’s relevant) sibling and I are similar in terms of finances- similar house value, lifestyle etc- they earn more but also spend more on holidays/ meals out etc. I am unsure of savings.

Parents are looking for a retirement property that will serve them better than their current house. I asked how the house hunt was going to be told that they have decided to buy land and build their own. That sibling has asked to build their own house too on the same land and parents have said ok. Was told straight away there wouldn’t be room for a third house.

I was a bit shocked and upset as there had been no discussion and I was totally unaware of the situation.

I now feel quite gutted about the whole thing. I just feel it’s unfair. My parents have worked hard, saved well and deserve to have their chance to build their own house. They have said that in the will it will be evened out which I know is fair money wise but in terms of being able to design your own house, living in a place you couldn’t afford otherwise and the lifestyle they will have for their DC makes it hard as they are getting a huge opportunity I won’t. What if I’d have asked?

They will have to sell their house to be able to build and will be relying on parents to help build.

I also feel like the relationship will change as I will live at a distance- worry it will be a them and us situation.

So AIBU to feel like this? And how do I get past it?

YANBU but I'm not really sure how the situation could be evened out to be honest. Could you sell up and also ask your parents if they would contribute to building you a house, albeit not on the same plot of land?

If you haven't already done so then I would tell your parents how it's made you feel. However be prepared for you to sound grabby to them (I'm not saying you are - but often that's what it can sound like without even meaning it to!) and for it not to change the situation. If it's already been promised then I'm not sure it can be undone, but there are many hurdles to overcome along the way including 2 house sales.

YANBU. That's gutting. Do they have form for this? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can sit down and have an open hearted discussion about it or not?

YANBU to be upset. I’d have to tell my parents how I felt, I’m very close to mine and they wouldn’t dream of doing anything like this. If they did I’d have to ask them why.

Could it be that your parents were caught off guard and agreed to this land share without really thinking about it? Is it possible your sibling has a lot more in savings to cover these costs and they haven’t thought to ask you knowing you didn’t? The only way to know for sure is to ask.

As for getting past it, I’m not sure I could! Are you able to move closer? I think it’s inevitable that your sibling and your parents will end up with a closer relationship or perhaps the proximity to each other will end up driving them both nuts! Hopefully someone else can offer better advice.

Thank you for your replies.

I think the trouble was there was no discussion, I thought my parents were looking for a property and the next thing I know they have decided to build together. I feel very pushed out. Sibling approached my parents and they thought about it for a month apparently then said yes.

My parents have no form for this- quite the opposite!! They have both been treated unfairly inheritance wise by their parents and are determined to keep it fair for us- to the extent when I went on holiday with my mum she kept track of spending so she could gift the same amount to my sibling.

I did speak to them when I first heard about it and Dad’s reaction was to tell me he’d find more money so I could buy something bigger. But it’s not about that. They are staying local to where I grew up and it’s always been my safe place. I often go and stay with them and am much more a home person than my sibling. I feel like that will change. Currently I live about an hour away, sibling half an hour.

I thought I’d accepted it but the thought of watching the houses go up, discussions about new kitchens or exciting features and of course then visiting and seeing what they get to live in just makes me feel excluded.

That's really hurtful they did that without even talking to you. What is your relationship with your sister like?
I think I'd need to have another conversation with them, but ultimately it comes down to what you want the end result to be? Is there any way for this to be put right? If so what is it?

@purpleboy

Sibling and I are very different. We get on fine but aren’t especially close.

I don’t know what I want to happen. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, but I don’t know how to accept this situation.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but deep down I think you do know what you want. But you might understand that what you want to happen would come across as selfish so there for don't want to come out and say it.
No judgement at all if it was me I'd probably want the same opportunity, and if my parents afforded that to one of my siblings I would think they should do the same for me, I say that because with know I would never treat my children so differently.
But I think once you know what outcome you would like, it might be easier to talk to your parents about it?

It might not be as big as a financial boost as you think
Home building is a lot more expensive than it used to be
Unless they get a very good separation of each house with drives , gardens etc it will diminish the house price

I have viewed loads of similar 2-3 same family builds and it is often very hard to sell one

OP,

I can understand your upset.

I think that you need to really think about what you would like.

A larger plot so you can also build?

You need to speak to your parents.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by saying nothing, seething and suffering.

Your parents need to know.

Building your own house from scratch is horrendously expensive and mentally and physically draining. It is really not easy. Sounds lovely, getting to design and live in your dream house but they rarely work out like that. So much paperwork and inspections, cowboy builders, unexpected problems.
Plus not having somewhere to live for about a year. Really bloody stressful.

when your parents are older and need day to day care, your sibling will be on hand to provide that.
Dodged a bullet?

I understand that you feel excluded, but would you really want to live next door to your sibling and parents?
particularly if it extends your daily commute by an hour each way.

But would you want to live that close to your parents. The care will fall to your sibling. I'm guessing you will be left the new house in will once they pass on to even out the cost

I wouldn't really care- means your sibling will have to care for them in old age.

Talk to them again and explain how deeply hurt you are by the decision. Tell them everything you’ve posted here about how you feel excluded and how difficult it will be for you going forwards. They’ve not thought about the effect it will have on you. Better to discuss it now early on when possibly they could change the situation. Tell them it’s not the difference in money it’s the way you’ve been excluded. I feel very sad for you being in this situation.