Stuck in a rut after having kids

[Ori2021]

Would be interested to hear other people's opinions/experiences on this one. I have two DS, 6 and 2 yrs old. I've worked a local, part-time job for over 9 years, and am degree-qualified but not in the field I work in. Whilst this situation has suited me during the years of "growing" the family, the job is just that - a job, not a career, and offers no opportunity for progression. I'm 38, and I've got this increasing sense of unease that I probably need to commit myself to a career whilst I'm (moderately) young enough to change tack. I do worry that I'm too old to be of any real appeal to an employer, compared, say, to a newly qualified graduate.

I also have lost a lot of confidence in the years of being a mum - it's a different world, raising babies, and sometimes I see younger colleagues around me, professionally qualified and rising up through the ranks, progressing their careers.

Did anyone else feel like this during/after raising your children? I made a choice not to take on vocational (further) study after graduating, as I think, looking back, I prioritized establishing my marriage/buying a house, making a family. Now I feel I have dedicated my most productive years to doing that (late 20's/30's) but it's come at a cost - I'm probably not going to be able to compete in the job market against other candidates who have shown commitment to developing their careers.

Don't get me wrong, I would never go back in time and do things differently but it does frustrate me to think that to some degree, women in today's world still have to make a choice about whether to concentrate on starting a family or establishing a career. Both need dedication, unerring commitment and hard, hard graft, but it seems to me that women can't have both (at least not at the same time.) The career-women I know at my workplace, don't have children. But they are in highly paid, high powered roles. I don't honestly see how you could do jobs at those levels and raise small children!!!

Did anyone else retrain or go on to develop a career after having kids? What did you move into? Do you enjoy what you do?

You’re right: women are massively disadvantaged by the expectation that they will deprioritise their career advancement for their families.

I was “lucky” in some respects as my marriage broke down and I became the sole breadwinner - it didn’t feel like this at the time but because I didn’t have the luxury of taking my foot off the gas I am probably in a better position now.

You are still young though. I would strongly recommend retraining now. Once both your children are at school you will have more freedom and frankly you will be quite bored if your job doesn’t challenge you enough. You have loads of productive years ahead of you. Go for it.

@thepeopleversuswork

Thank-you for replying. I like your username! Work is a lot but it’s not everything. I sometimes think women are more rounded than men because they go through bigger life transitions (& produce life.) Men can often continue establishing career pathways in a linear fashion whereas women are often tasked with child rearing as well.

It is tough for women in the workplace, even today. My male boss once said he’d never employ women of a certain age because they’d take maternity leave. And he’s high up at work.

Ideally before having children people should focus on their studying/ career first throughout their 20's,marriage and a house with good amount of equity in towards late 20s, work/life balance becomes alot easier if you have planned financially. otherwise you will face alot of problems once children come along, like not being able to advance your career, not being able to buy a house if your stuck renting e.t.c

Do you have enough money to live comfortably? That's the main thing.
Otherwise I think the whole concept of climbing up some made-up career ladder is a bit of a con. At the end of the day it's just work and everyone is equally a wage slave, unless you own the company.

I made the same choices as you, except I also prioritised my sporty hobby and travel throughout my 20s. I had a great time. You never get your youth back, or time with your children.
It does mean that, like you, I'm in my 30 with a decent enough job but not a high flying career. I would like a little bit more money now, so I'm doing a distance learning course in the hope of making a sideways move into a related (but better paid) job. Is there anything like that you could do?

Also, you're not too old. My mum bumbled along in a so-so job most of her life and then her career really took off in her 50s. It did involve an international move though, which isn't for everyone.