Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there's no coming back from a sexless marriage/ltr

29 replies

Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 13:44

If a marriage or ltr has become sexless, is there ever any coming back (to having a sex life).

Has anyone ever done so?

And how,big you have? (Counselling, date nights?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 13:44

*if you have

OP posts:
Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 30/12/2020 13:45

Definitely not true in all circumstances.

Ilovebolly · 30/12/2020 13:46

In my personal experience no, once it’s gone it’s gone. In my marriage once we had stopped having sex it almost seemed ridiculous to think that we might ever again. Now divorced, we really couldn’t come back from that although there were many problems in the marriage.

Original poster
Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 14:20

@Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople

Definitely not true in all circumstances.
Is it yourself or other couples you're referring to?

What did you/they do to get back to having a sex life?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2020 14:21

No one I know has ever got it back.

Might depend on the reasons it’s gone though.

MakeTeaNotWar · 30/12/2020 14:36

It's 2 years since we've had sex. DH lost his libido with antidepressants but he stopped taking those over a year ago. He fobs me off when I try to discuss it, saying it will come back but I just can't see it anymore, I am too bitter at the rejection. So I don't know the answer

Original poster
Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 16:24

@Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople

Definitely not true in all circumstances.
Is it yourself or other couples you're referring to?

What did you/they do to get back to having a sex life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 16:27

Sorry, double post.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 30/12/2020 16:35

Its been 4 years for us. I don't envision it ever coming back. Not sure how I feel about it. I know it sounds disingenuous but everything else in our marriage is great. We could use more money (who couldn't? LOL) but we get along well, we love our sons and our life. We have affection in our marriage. It never occurred to me that this is how we would end up.

Original poster
Sandals19 · 30/12/2020 16:43

At least you have affection.

It seems like the longer it is sexless the more likely it is not to be regained.
There is a definite ick/weirdness/almost aversion .. as the poster above says, there can be an actual ridiculousness to the idea.

I winded how it could be overcome.

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 30/12/2020 16:52

There’s a whole forum on Reddit devoted to this called deadbedrooms. There are people who have recovered it by being honest with each other. Is it the majority? No.

ThreenagerToTeenager · 30/12/2020 20:47

I think it depends on the why.

Following both kids I was terribly touched out for a long time. Second time around so much so that it seemed as a PP has said utterly ridiculous to imagine sex occurring again.

We have ‘started’ again. It’s a... process. We are being very honest and open - I am trying very hard and he is being very patient. I think if we couldn’t turn this around in time our emotional connection and intimacy would take such a knock we probably couldn’t survive it.

I always imagined it would happen in our 60s or 70s, not so young and not when we started so well in that department!

broccolibush · 30/12/2020 20:54

It did for us. We spent many years being almost entirely sexless, having occasional sex because we realised how long it had been since (avoiding a whole year without) but it wasn’t out of desire. We’d been like that for many, many years. We weren’t without affection, but sex was a no go for both of us. From my side I was struggling with MH issues and then it turned into a habit. Sex as a concept made me feel a bit disgusted tbh, though I didn’t have the ick with DH (just with all men I guess).

Then one day we started again, and had lots of sex again. I don’t really know why. We’d been out and when we got home we both wanted sex. We make an effort to have it now and want it more. I think the lack of sex was a terrible habit we’d got into. It was the default, and it perpetuated.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 30/12/2020 21:06

It depends. And a lot depends on whether it's mutual or only one partner. The longest sexless relationship I know is not happy for a number of reasons, one of which is approx. 20 years without sex.

Making a decision didn't seem to be explicit. The husband repeatedly turned down the wife until she announced that she was going to stop asking and it was now up to him. (Apparently she'd tried pretty much everything to talk to him about it and he just refused to discuss it.)

The only positive outcome seems to be that she was so unhappy with him during lockdown than when all this is over, she's resolved to do what she now says she should have done years ago.

mummymayhem18 · 30/12/2020 21:23

Myself and my husband haven't had sex in years. It all started from my troublesome pregnancy and then horrible caesarean after where i was in a lot of pain and had a infection that was hard to shift. We did try some counselling years ago but didn't really help. My daughter will be 15 next year and we have had or tried sex 2/3 times since then. Shocking I know but I feel nothing. I also now have a couple of health conditions which would make it very painful for me so I know I never will be able or want to again as I have pain everyday. Plus I'm just not bothered. I have complete loss of libido. It could also be down to medication I'm taking. I do feel for my husband as I know it must be very hard for him and although we are still together at the moment I do worry for the future.I have even said to him I wouldn't be surprised if he found someone else or didn't want to be with me anymore as he doesn't really get anything from our relationship. I have said I would completely understand. I'm 45 by the way.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 30/12/2020 21:42

Lockdown has been a blessing for us.
Not at the beginning, until Sept/Oct we were having sex once a fortnight on average, sometimes once a month. Then one day randomly when the DC were back to school and we were both WFH DH suggested we «went upstairs», for some unknown reason I said yes. Then again in the evening. And the next day. We are on a solid once every day or other day since! We’ll see for how long...

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/12/2020 00:17

Of course its possible. It entirely depends on the reason.

We didnt for 18 months due to a bereavement. It came back.

ChestnutStuffing · 31/12/2020 05:30

I think it depends to. I never went down to no sex at all, but when I was breastfeeding my three elder kids I had zero libido, in a lot of ways the whole idea of sex grossed me out. I basically made myself occasionally because my dh found it really hard and felt unloved.

It turned around when I got my period back after ds, and actually my libido went through the roof for a while. I think just had changed my hormone balance due to being older. I didn't have the same dampening effect with my youngest who came a number of years later.

It was actually a bit weird to feel my whole attitude and even emotions shift due to what were clearly chemical changes, we usually think of ourselves as having "reasons", but it made me think that sometimes our reasons may be explanations to help us make sense of things rather than the real cause.

Original poster
Sandals19 · 31/12/2020 08:22

Not at the beginning, until Sept/Oct we were having sex once a fortnight on average, sometimes once a month

I'm really referring to.not having sex (at all) for years. I probably should made that clear in the op.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandals19 · 31/12/2020 08:25

It was actually a bit weird to feel my whole attitude and even emotions shift due to what were clearly chemical changes, we usually think of ourselves as having "reasons", but it made me think that sometimes our reasons may be explanations to help us make sense of things rather than the real cause.

It's good that it was identifiable to a specific hormonal/physical cause, and recovered itself when that changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandals19 · 31/12/2020 08:26

I suppose that's a very straightforward scenario, in relative terms.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 31/12/2020 08:29

I don’t know why we stopped having sex, and we haven’t spoken about it.
We were at the beginning of the year, but sometime in lockdown it stopped. Then I got the ick and didn’t feel the need.
I instigated once a couple of months ago ( to see if I could kickstart it again )and it was horrible, like doing it with a stranger.
Maybe that’s how it stops. It just stops.

movingonup20 · 31/12/2020 08:32

Depends why, if it's medication or illness related it's different to just indifference. Also if one partner is still keen but respecting the others wishes with general affection still being shown there's more chance of a restart than if neither are that bothered and just living as friends, no kissing, cuddling etc. My friend confessed to having not had sex for 9 months but after 3 weeks on hrt she's got a happy husband!

WilsonMilson · 31/12/2020 08:41

I think it totally depends and everyone is different. It would be a difficult road back though, once the ‘ick’ has set in. I wouldn’t say it was impossible though.

This happened in my first marriage and it ended in divorce. We remain good friends, but really that’s all we were for a number of years before I left, I simply couldn't spend the rest of my life in a sexless and desire less marriage. It was my problem, he wanted it but I just stopped fancying him, lots of reasons why I guess, both physical (he gained weight and started smoking), practical (financial issues made me lose respect for him and created a major barrier). It got to the point that the thought of having sex made me recoil in awkwardness and almost disgust. I didn’t mind cuddling and affection (not kissing though), but just couldn’t bear the thought of any sexual contact, despite my ex being a perfectly nice man in lots of ways. I saw him as more of a brother or best friend, the thought of sex was almost comical in its absurdity.

Very much happier in my second marriage and no such issues.

Okbye · 31/12/2020 08:52

My husband and I went 2.5 years without any sex whatsoever and very little affection. I feel your pain, it's horrible.
All other parts of our marriage were fine though and we still got along and 'liked' each other.

Communication is key!! I brought it up after thinking about it for ages and mustering up courage (there were lots of tears!) and we spoke more over that week than we had over the last few years! It was only then that I realised we never really 'talked' properly. If you (both) have issues etc they NEED to be out in the open. Nothing will improve if you just sail along not addressing the problem (believe me, I know!)

I thought we would need therapy however once we started talking everything came out so it wasn't necessary but definitely something to keep in mind if you need someone to mediate.

Communicate, communicate then communicate some more! Good luck x💕