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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Years old situation... AIBU to be pissed off?

38 replies

Blurpblorp · 30/12/2020 11:09

Your answers could be very helpful for me personally. Am prepared to accept I brought it on myself.

Relates to a friend that I met at work, who I've known for around 15 years. Always made it apparent that she disliked kids. When I had mine 12 years ago she initially tried to show interest - even came over to my house with a gift for my first DD which I realised at the time was nice and a real stretch for her. She refused to hold my DD (with a yuck face) to which I thought fair enough. Ever after that she showed no interest in them and I thought well, she doesn't like kids so I would rarely talk about them in front of her. Anything child-related that I did mention she would smile weakly and change the subject.

Flash forward to now when she has a beautiful DD of her own and suddenly her child is the only thing she talks about. Only thing in her social media feeds and although we don't speak that often anymore, everything she mentions now involves her DD and all the superlatives you can think of.

On one hand I think, I feel outraged that she mostly overlooked my DDs for all those years but on the other, it's my own fault that I let myself be silenced like that.

Mumsnet wisdom please!

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 30/12/2020 11:14

Was it possible she had problems conceiving at that time or and found you having children difficult? Was she married/in a relationship back then? Or maybe not a child person until she had her own?

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2020 11:14

I think it's a no brainer really if you look at it this way.

At the time you had your DC she was completely honest about not particularly liking kids.

Now she has her own, she does (or at least loves her own).

If you don't talk that often, it shouldn't be a problem and if she's become a bit of a social media bore, just hide or unfollow her.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/12/2020 11:14

She didn't realise how much love you feel for your own child and now she does. It's how it is for a lot of people, not everyone is interested in other people's children.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 30/12/2020 11:15

She just didn't want to talk about your kid. She's talking about her own now probably the way you went on about yours.
You say you don't really talk as much now so why care?

Before I had kids I didn't care about other people's, I didn't get it, didn't understand why people went on about them. I had zero to say in return about little suzies ballet class, little Stuart's football scores. I could hace cared less. I was young.
She's changed and grown.
I'm sure she's aware of previous child dismissals.

Are you going to point it out?
You are of course entitled to your feelings.

Nighthawker · 30/12/2020 11:15

Sounds like she was jealous or worried that having kids would never happen for her when you had yours. I had a friend who behaved similarly, she worked in hospitality and would always be on Facebook complaining how annoying other people's "crotch goblins" (her phrasing, not mine) are. Once she met her partner and had a couple of kids of her own that kind of talk stopped, I'm pretty sure it was just insecurity. If your friend's social media is annoying you just put her on mute until her kid gets older and she hopefully calms down a bit.

Xmassprout · 30/12/2020 11:15

I wouldn't take it personally, I think many people feel the way she did.

I know myself personally I was never interested in other peoples children, I'm still not. But my own children are the best thing since sliced bread. But if you don't have children, talking about children can be incredibly boring. It sounds like you were at different stages in your life. I wouldn't talk about my children to someone without children unless they asked after them

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 30/12/2020 11:16

YABU other people’s kids are totally different to your own. I don’t like other people’s kids... my own is a totally different matter.

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2020 11:18

This ^^ definitely was me too. Even after I had my kids I still wasn't particularly interested in other people's.

Nothing to do with 'worrying I couldn't have any', or being 'jealous'. I just wasn't a 'kid' person.

MinimumChips · 30/12/2020 11:23

People have different feelings about their own children to how they feel about the children of others. I think your friends disinterest in your child reflects how many people feel - she was just honest. Now she has a child she adores but doesn’t mean her feelings back when you had yours weren’t valid. I have two dc and still few lukewarm at best about the children of friends. I’m just not ‘interested’ in children who aren’t mine. I don’t think that’s all that unusual. I try to hide it but honestly have no interest in holding or hearing much about their babies. I love my own children above all else!

pandarific · 30/12/2020 11:24

I think I was a bit like this in my early 20s (to my embarrassment now).

For me, it was due to growing up in a wildly dysfunctional household with an explosive sibling who was pandered to massively. So 'kids' in my mind = 'my childhood' = some sort of threat to take me back there/turn independent free me into my mother.

Not that that excuses your upset - just oh a reflection that people behave oddly sometimes for various reasons of their own. What would happen if you talked to her about it in a non judgemental way, do you think? Is it a relationship you'd like to keep?

user1470132907 · 30/12/2020 11:28

Refusing to hold your DD and pulling a face was seriously out of line unless she was 12 at the time. I completely understand not being interested in other people’s kids - I’m in that camp as a rule - but there are ways to redirect conversations, dodge baby-cuddling etc. without being pointedly obnoxious.

DressingGownofDoom · 30/12/2020 11:29

She didn't like children at the time you had yours though. She didn't pretend, she was honest with you. Surely you know it's different when you have your own.

zaphodbeeble · 30/12/2020 11:31

She was jealous

Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 11:31

Remember op that her behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you or your children. Don't take it personally. In future don't allow someone else's behaviour to affect your own. Be yourself and if they can't or don't want to be around you they will make that decision.

Mincepiehangover · 30/12/2020 11:32

My friend was like this - absolutely hated other kids, when l had my baby she loved her so much she went on to have one of her own who is a golden child, sun shines out of her backside! I do remind her sometimes what she used to be like.

StopGo · 30/12/2020 11:34

I didn't and to this day don't particularly like children. Met DH he desperately wanted DC so we had two who I love and enjoy unconditionally.
Children don't like me either so it's all for the best.

Original poster

Blurpblorp · 30/12/2020 11:37

Thanks everyone. No, I'd never bring it up with her. I think she probably was unhappy at the time and I get that. I haven't ever been the type to talk about my children unchecked but I just feel aggrieved that now she has a child she expects to talk about her all the time. Presumably can't spot the difference in how much we've shared about our respective children or if she does, doesn't care.

Only reason I bring it up is to try and make sense of if I need to get over myself. I can't even see the poll now, don't know how I've made that happen. Appreciate your responses...

OP posts:

HangOnToYourself · 30/12/2020 11:41

She was younger and not interested in kids, people change and an awful lot in 12 years! 12 years ago I probably would have been the same as I wouldn't have known what to say about kids or how to really be around them but now I have my own 4 year old and have slowly over time changed the way i see kids. People mature and like different things i think you are being precious

SpaceOp · 30/12/2020 11:45

haha. Honestly OP, of course this is a bit annoying, but the only answer is to roll your eyes privately. Or, if you have that kind of relationship, make a jokey comment about how it's not the same now when she'd barely been able to hold your DD.

I always think it's not so much the huge switch that's annoying in these situations, it's when the person is so completely and totally oblivious to it. SIL was one of those who used to rant on about how people with children were so obsessed, gave up their entire lives, couldn't do anything blah blah. And of course, when she had children she was not ever going to be like that etc. Well, you guessed it, when she had her first, she didn't so much as go out for a drink without the baby for the first 2 years!! Which was fine. But she honestly doesn't remember all the ranting she did before while I was trying to manage a career, a social life and a toddler and could have done without the clueless judging

lemorella · 30/12/2020 11:54

Until I had children myself I did not know how to be around babies or children. Didn't particularly like them or understand the struggles of parents.

I was very unsympathetic to a close friend once who had just had a baby and was worried about a long drive with the baby for the first time to meet me half way. I cringe about how horrible and selfish I was now and have done my best to make up for being so crap.

Since having DC I have developed empathy and some bloody manners and love talking about other peoples children and really genuinely care about their struggles and milestones.

I'd chalk it down to that, some people don't understand until they've been through it. If you aren't close anymore what does it matter? Just hide her posts.

Terracottasaur · 30/12/2020 12:00

People will always be much more interested in their own children than someone else’s.

Ticklemynickel · 30/12/2020 12:06

I don't think I had any interest in children until I was about 32 and certainly would have been (silently) horrified if any of my friends had babies in their early/mid 20s. How would we have gone out boozing?!

It's no reflection on you or your children OP.

AndcalloffChristmas · 30/12/2020 12:13

I do think she was a bit rude to just “smile weakly” when you told her what you had been up to - just because it involved your kids. Same as hearing someone news about anything.

I agree with pps that it’s quite common to have no interest in kids until you have them - your own are different as everyone says.

However no reason for you to take an interest in her child if you don’t want to!

Ilovenewyear · 30/12/2020 12:22

I think many people can relate. I had a friend who was like this. Constantly making unpleasant remarks about ‘why would anyone have children’, ‘children are disgusting, bleed you dry’ etc. She even made comments about the state of people’s vagina’s afterwards if they had more then one child

Tbh I don’t have much to do with her anymore as it turns out she was a bit of a cow about many things, not just this subject but I have seen on FB that she has a child now. I can only assume a contraception failure, given how much she hates children.

Lookslikerainted · 30/12/2020 12:30

Why do you need to get over it? There is literally nothing to get over. I have to remind myself of this sometimes but no one is as interested in your children (unless they are directly related) as you. Bringing a gift and smiling politely is all a friend needs to do. The only thing you should be getting over is yourself.

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