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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want a baby anymore.

16 replies

Mooey89 · 29/12/2020 17:28

DH is my second husband. I have a 7 year old boy with ExH - he’s lovely but hard work and we think there may be something underlying going on, maybe ADHD or ASd.
When we got together and got married he always wanted children. We got married two years ago and started trying to get pregnant, but it never happened apart from a chemical pregnancy.
We have put it on hold for the past 6 months because I started a new job. I was talking today about starting again in January and he’s been putting off his sperm test for IVF so I asked him if it was actually still what he wanted.
Apparently he no longer ‘sees the appeal’ and doesn’t want it anymore.
I asked him where that leaves me and he just said that he doesn’t know. I asked if he’s likely to change his mind and he said he isn’t sure.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m 31. I love him. I don’t want to leave him but the desire to have a baby is so strong. The last 18 months of not getting pregnant have been so so hard.
I wondered whether the thought that he might be the reason why we’re not pregnant, or the thought of like... doing the whole IvF thing might be putting him off but it seems like he’s just changed his mind. DS is hard work and maybe he’s been put off by that which makes me so sad.
I don’t know what to do now

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 29/12/2020 17:33

I dont think unreasonable ness comes into this tbh. Neither of you is being unreasonable but where you go from here I dont know. I guess you need to talk it through some more, then you have a decision to make.

Tohaveandtohold · 29/12/2020 17:40

Do you qualify for free IVF round? Because I’m not sure if the cost might be putting him off.
You already have a son so he might think he’s the issue so he’s scared of finding that out too.
It depends on where you want to go from here as neither of you is unreasonable but then if the infertility is from his end, would you leave due to your desire to have more children?

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 29/12/2020 17:43

Neither of you are being unreasonable. I’m afraid you potentially have a tough decision ahead of you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2020 18:00

It’s better he’s honest than go along with it to please you as there would be a child caught in the mess.

You need to decide if it’s a child or him you want.

Lookslikerainted · 29/12/2020 18:05

It sounds like your child is hard work and that’s put him off, that’s natural oct hot two boys and on the days they are hard I think oh gosh I couldn’t have another. It’s unfair of him to pull the rug from underneath you but if he isn’t that committed to the idea of a child it’s better you find out now. Sorry op.

Lookslikerainted · 29/12/2020 18:06

I’ve got*

Theunamedcat · 29/12/2020 18:08

Is he afraid to find out if its him?

If a child is what you really want then this surely isn't the marriage for you

NewlyGranny · 29/12/2020 18:13

Well, he knows you're fertile - or you were - and it must have crossed his mind that his swimmers might be the problem. It's a huge threat to some men's self-esteem to find they're sub-fertile and I'd suggest that could be the issue since he's been postponing testing. You might find he's just as keen as before once he's jumped the hurdle. 🤞

MojoMoon · 29/12/2020 18:13

Presumably he has spent a lot more time with your son this year due to lockdown etc?

He may have a different view on things now he has seen parenting up close where as before perhaps he was only really around at weekends?

He is not being unreasonable. But neither are you.

Why do you want a baby so much? It might be good to reflect on what you think/believe it would add to your life. I mean this in the nicest possible way but if your son is already hard work and may have additional needs, do you really want to be adding to the stress of another child to the mix? Would your son really benefit or lose out from having a half sibling? There will be a big age gap and that isn't unlikely to make for a close sibling relationship in childhood, putting aside additional needs.

oakleaffy · 29/12/2020 18:38

A tricky one...

He may well want his own Biological child, but having a tricky {?} Stepchild might well be putting him off {?}

Sadly relationships can founder after pregnancy, so think very long and hard, and ask him to be honest with you.
If he doesn't want a DC with you, he should let you know.

Maybe he sees the 'graft' of parenting, and it scares him?.Better to know now than when you are actually pregnant.

VinylDetective · 29/12/2020 18:43

@NewlyGranny

Well, he knows you're fertile - or you were - and it must have crossed his mind that his swimmers might be the problem. It's a huge threat to some men's self-esteem to find they're sub-fertile and I'd suggest that could be the issue since he's been postponing testing. You might find he's just as keen as before once he's jumped the hurdle. 🤞
That was my first thought too. It fits with the timing.
DianaT1969 · 29/12/2020 19:00

As you are 31 and have some time, I would take TTC off the table for a year. Tell him you'll focus on your family and your career. The pandemic and lockdowns has been an awful time for everyone. Concentrate on trying to have good times as a family. Then revisit your decision in a year. You'll have an additional year of contributions in your pension pot, you'll have established yourself at your new company more, and your DH will have had space to just appreciate what he has and take stock. But you'd need to really drop it for this to work. Otherwise you will taint the year for yourself.

Heartlantern2 · 29/12/2020 19:04

Men are easily put off of having children. How is his relationship with your son? Does he feel like he is part his dad so has no need for another?

No one is being unreasonable, people change their mind and they are allowed to do that. You are allowed to change yours and not stay with him now if you wish.

NovemberRain2 · 29/12/2020 19:12

I have a son from a previous marriage. No DC with current DH. He doesn't want kids. I'd have liked one more but was never desperate and it's too late now (for me, personally). We both agree that we can focus on my DS and then look forward to alone time, travelling, etc once he's grown.

CharlotteRose90 · 30/12/2020 00:58

Neither of you are unreasonable to be honest. The thought of not being fertile is scary as hell I’m currently flawed with it so maybe that’s worrying him?

Or the other option is your DC. You admitted he’s hard work could DH be worried if you had another one they could end up the same?

Think you need to leave it for while and then try and talk. COVID could even be a part of it.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 30/12/2020 11:14

His choice needs respecting. Understandably it is upsetting though.

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