Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Second Child Syndrome

18 replies

Lalaloveyou2020 · 29/12/2020 17:23

A friend has announced that her and her husband are splitting up. Another friend called and we were discussing it and she said she wasn't suprised at all as it's well known that having a second child can put a strain on a marriage (other friend has a 5 and 1.5 year old). It's such a common phenomenon that it has a name, second child syndrome.

Aibu to ask if I'm the only one who had never heard of this? Tbh I just put the "unfortunate" splitting up down to the fact that my friend had married a selfish, lazy, prat (even before any babies he was useless) but can the second child break a strong relationship or is it just ones that were already shaky?

OP posts:

SpudulikaSlob · 29/12/2020 17:33

I've never heard of it either, my parents did split up when I was tiny and I was a second child...
He was a total bastard so could have been that.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 29/12/2020 17:38

I did read something about this, when I was contemplating trying for dc2! The article I read, was written by a mum who had two dcs close together and she and her DH ended up splitting shortly after having their second. But she said, and I think it makes sense, that she thought she and her DH would eventually have split anyway. The added strain just sped things up! It didn't put me off btw and DH and I have two dcs now. So far, still together! But even if we weren't, I wouldn't blame dc2 for it.

FoxyTheFox · 29/12/2020 17:39

I've never heard of second child syndrome.

What I will say though is that having/raising children can be hard sometimes and those hard times can put a strain on relationships. If your relationship is already weak in places then its unlikely to withstand the strain.

FoxyTheFox · 29/12/2020 17:41

By "weak" i don't mean that people should just try harder, having an utterly useless partner is definitely a weak spot and is something that would be strained by the demands of a new baby.

The3Ls · 29/12/2020 17:47

We were a strong couple and are stil happily together. DH hands on dad completely. However the two under five years were tough. We tried not to buy still had competitive tiredness competitions. At times it was a bit miserable and definitely survival. So I'd imagine any cracks and it would split wide open. Obviously no regrets two gorgeous fabulous children however I am definitely not a have a third kind of mum

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2020 17:55

Never heard of it, but I would say that yes, it was our second child that started the wedge between us. Not because of her, because she's the best thing since sliced bread, but our lives changed from being easy, to being hard. Turns out we didnt work well together when things are hard.,

Facelikearustytractor · 29/12/2020 17:58

The only thing I hear is that the second child is more naughtier than the first, and from my own and other friend's experiences that is definitely true! Maybe that's why parents split up - to be able to get a break from the kids if custody is shared. It has certainly crossed my mind, but I'm happy to weather the storm until youngest DC is not tantruming every five minutes.

TheFoz · 29/12/2020 18:03

@Facelikearustytractor is right. I’ve only heard it used in the context that the second child is more difficult than the first, and I know that is true for so many! Including my own!

GinNotGym19 · 29/12/2020 18:07

I’ve never heard of this but my marriage did end after dc2 so maybe it is a thing. Wasn’t anything to do with dc2 though!

JanewaysBun · 29/12/2020 18:08

I had 2 in 18 months and it does feel like a lot more as you can't share the kid between you as there's always 2 but lots of things put pressure on a relationship. Death etc

RickiTarr · 29/12/2020 18:09

Sounds made up.

DramaAlpaca · 29/12/2020 18:11

I've never heard of this. I had two in 16 months, and then for a short time had three under four and it was very tough, but we got through it.

tempnamechange98765 · 29/12/2020 18:13

I've only ever heard of it on the second child is more difficult context (same for mine now while DC2 is under 2 but I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up being less emotionally complex than D 1 as he gets older).

I can see why though, if you have an easy first born especially, it does change things!

PatchworkElmer · 29/12/2020 18:19

I’d imagine that it’s just that a second child is another pressure on a relationship. Lots of couples are probably just ‘clinging on’ with one DC, and then a second tips the balance.

HarrietPotterska · 29/12/2020 18:22

I think it makes sense that the addition of another major stress factor into an already strained relationship very likely can cause parents to split. It's not the second baby per se.

RedskyAtnight · 29/12/2020 18:25

I'm surprised that it's not the first child (which is a huge change for most people) that puts more of a strain on a relationship. Or maybe it is, and the second child is just the final straw :)

Rewis · 29/12/2020 19:33

I'm not familiar with this either. I can totally understand 1st kid. But 2nd? What is the massive difference between 1 and 2 kids? I've always felt that the 3rd is a bigger change cause then you need bigger cars, begger house etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2020 19:57

I can only speak for myself but this absolutely fits. First kid, dream baby, just strapped her to me and had a year long holiday. No extra stress on either of our lives. Second kid. Also dream baby. Strapped her to me...and had a toddler round my legs. For me, so so much harder. Suddenly exdh wasn't coming home to smiley wife, he was coming home to tired wife.

Flip