AIBU to just focus on the people who are there for me?

[TheBridgeBurner]

My family have never done anything to help me when I have had problems and have never, ever helped me with my DC. They have not babysat for me once in 16 years. They are happy to chat on the phone but would never come over to help me.

My DH's family expect loads of money dropped on them and to be invited to everything we do including day trips and holidays. I used to do this but stopped a while ago. The number of times my DH's sisters, very similar in age and interests to me, have included me in anything they all do together = zero. No. of times DH's family have ever helped me with the DC or babysat = zero. No. of times I have gone out of my way to include them, cook for them, buy them nice presents = lost count, but zero from their side.

Now that my DC are tweens/ teens I have come to realise that I have an amazing set of supportive friends who if asked, would do anything for me and vice versa. Also, my DC are very independent and helpful. With each passing year, it gets easier. My eldest will be taking driving lessons soon and that will make life even easier for everyone.

I'm getting hassled from all angles about the things I should be doing for everyone in the extended family e.g. chasing up after people during lockdowns, cooking Christmas dinner, why haven't I done this and that, and the massive expectations over presents. Anything that is not done or anything missed is MY fault. Well, I've had enough.

I was told recently by a family member that I was "burning my bridges". Thing is, what bridge? Surely burning my bridges means that I cut off my support network and my nose to spite my face? So, if I don't do something they want they will cut off what exactly? They don't do anything for me. [shrug]

The long and short of it is that, despite what I have written above, I don't have smouldering animosity. I know that you can't expect anyone to help you out with your DC. I do feel like I have done way more for all of them and had nothing in return and now I am in my late 40's I feel that "I DON'T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING". I feel that no one does anything for me except my DH, DC, and friends and that I shouldn't be expected to do anything for extended family. I'll do a bit but as said, I don't owe them anything. My DC don't think they have a good relationship with any of them and are closer to friends and their families.

Moving forward into my 50's I want to cement my friendships, concentrate on my little family, and make more friends. I am happy to help out family but it is not fair to pile all their emotional needs onto me and expect me to be their errand boy/ PA. Non of them have really bothered with me and my DH/ DC and I am now at the stage where I am fine with that but it works both ways.

AIBU and does anyone else feel like this?

Live your life lose as you chose

I have a brother I'm no co tact with. I dont think sharing genetics should automatically make you indebted to anyone.

In your case I would be civil at functions but no dont go out of your way for someone who would never repay the favour.

Sounds like you’ve had an epiphany! People think that because they’re family, they can treat you however they want and you’re expected to take it on the chin. I’m with you 100%, and your acceptance of the situation will be liberating I’m sure.

I feel exactly the same way @TheBridgeBurner

Life is too short to spend it on people who arent there for you

I have deep pangs though when I imagine my extended family to be people I like.
What a difference to my life that would make.

I think what did it for me was Covid.

If I or DH got Covid right now and ended up in hospital I would have to call SS to come to look after my DC. I wouldn't get a bag of food on the doorstep and I wouldn't get any help. That's not because they are elderly or immobile. They just wouldn't do it for us.

I, on the other hand, was given grief if I wasn't making sure DH's lot were invited over every week to sit in my garden and be fed and entertained during lockdown1.

I think what Aimee says about being Civil is right. Be polite but not lift another finger.

I'm leaning that way with my family at the moment. They have behaved appallingly over the Xmas period and I have had enough of it. I have been 'punished' for not constantly wanting to break covid rules (I am CEV, so no ta) and not coming up with endless suitable ideas to entertain them all. If I don't make the effort, nobody else bothers. Nobody cares if I'm ok but they're happy to drain me emotionally and take my money.

Life is short, walk away from toxic people.
I've had to do this with my MIL this Christmas. I've not asked DH too and I wouldn't stop him taking the kids to see her but she is toxic, she makes me angry and for my own health I've walked away. Removed if social media too.

I was told recently by a family member that I was "burning my bridges". Thing is, what bridge? Surely burning my bridges means that I cut off my support network and my nose to spite my face? So, if I don't do something they want they will cut off what exactly? They don't do anything for me. [shrug]

They’re shitting themselves. They know how much you do and are scared of losing it and having to do it all themselves, so are now trying the manipulate you. Sorry but you don’t mean anything to these people other than being on available to them. Agree with the be civil but no more lifting a finger for them.

I agree with you. I’ve had the same feelings towards some friends. I usually host lots in terms of play dates and organise things, I especially do more at Christmas besides hosting my own family (in normal times). They all messaged saying they’d missed getting together which was lovely at ours on one hand, but I can count on less than one hand the amount of times someone else has done it! I actually found the run up to Christmas easier as I didn’t have to tidy/clean/host multiple times. More fool me I guess but I am going to do less in the future. More for my own sanity!
You are right op, you seem lovely and have thought things through logically.

Me too. I love my family and I’m sure they would be there if we really truly needed them, but we do make all the effort and it is exhausting. It’s funny how one person in a family becomes the default ‘doer’ and helper that absolutely must be there to assist with everything!! I allowed this without realising when I was a sahm but even now that I am back at work it is still expected that I drop everything on demand.

I have missed everyone so much this year, but I can’t deny that it has all been so much easier. I will definitely be stepping back a little so we don’t slip straight back into the old regime.

Hi OP ..just wanted to say it sounds to me like you have had one of those rare moments in life when you take stock and see things for what they really areThis is a good thing.You can now move forward in a really good way for yourself mainly.When you strip away the bull shit annd see people for what they really are your life gets better and better for youknow where your loyalties should be,where you should prioritize you r time and energy and where you should step back and leave others to it.I sort of see it as life doing a mental cull for me!! I dont go no contact or anything with ayone I just get on and do my thing with those who mean the most to me with out any feelings of misguided guilt ot misplaced loyalty. Go forward and be with those who mean the most you won;t go far wrong.Dont explain or justify to anyone who doesnt understand its a waste of effort cos they will never get it as their needs and being selfish get in the way of reason.Most people I thought I needed were huge drain and it was always more about them and what they wanted from me as to what I got out of knowing them.Your thinking is right.Give yourself to whom you choose for the right reasons and gong forward you will be ok.Ignore the demands and guilt tripping it plays on your mind and its wasted emotion and really not needed.