Mental load

[thebluehen]

Not really an AIBU, but posting here for traffic.

If you have school aged children, and you have a cleaner, how do you divide all the other tasks? All those "little" jobs that added together take up a lot of time.

Making the bed
Feeding and walking pets
Laundry
Paying bills
Opening the curtains
Making the beds
Cleaning jobs the cleaners don't do such as inside of windows or inside of the bin etc etc
Meal planning
Cooking
Food shopping
Kids clothes shopping
Changing the beds
Changing the towels
Emptying the bins
Clearing out the food cupboards and fridge
Changing light bulbs
Remembering birthdays and buying cards
Etc etc

Having been in 3 long term relationships all these "little" jobs have always fallen to me.

The men I have lived with have all been born in the 60's so I wonder if it's just that generation? A lot of these have been "unseen" jobs that I just felt I had to take on or they just wouldn't happen.

I'm genuinely intrigued how other people do it particularly if you both work full time.

If I want to do it then I do it. If not I tell him to. Yes it would be lovely if he took on that mental load but he hasn't for 19 years so he's not likely to start now.

There are a LOT of men out there who do though. Find one.

I just felt I had to take on.
And that’s the problem. When we moved in together we worked out who did what. I hate washing up but don’t mind cooking. He doesn’t mind washing up. I do laundry. He does bins.
Work out a kind of rota. Don’t just do it all!

I do it all now (widow), but when my husband was alive i did most household things and childcare as I didn't work after I had my second and he worked 50-60 hours a week.
He did the bills and financial side (mortgage utilities etc) and cooked at weekends. He took the kids off to swim every Saturday morning so I had a two- three hour break.
But I did the nontangibles you don't mention: playdates, birthday party planning, our social calender, liaising with tradesmen etc.

DP was born in the 80s and we have fallen into just doing these jobs between us both. I am part time and he is full time. I do the food/cooking/kids clothing. He does almost all of the house cleaning. Laundry and bins are split - whoever sees the full bin first. I tend to buy kids presents and we do our own families gifts. He does windows, lightbulbs and spider removals. I do hair washing of kids and cat wrangling when the daft bugger has stepped in his own poo.

I am sorry but I have to ask about the lightbulb. Isn't it simply the person who is there when it goes?

@Wolfiefan

I just felt I had to take on. And that’s the problem. When we moved in together we worked out who did what. I hate washing up but don’t mind cooking. He doesn’t mind washing up. I do laundry. He does bins. Work out a kind of rota. Don’t just do it all!

This is similar to us. I hate moping. So he does it. He hates bathroom cleaning, I do it and so on.

That's a mix of regular jobs (making beds, opening curtains(!), cooking) and irregular (paying bills, changing lightbulbs).

The children should be encouraged to take on as many jobs as possible from as early as possible. So they would be making bed, stripping beds, opening curtains, changing towels from, say, age 7 (maybe with support at first). The rest gets split according to paid work hours (e.g. when DH has worked more hours than me, I've picked up more jobs), inclination, ability etc (e.g. I like food shopping so do it; we neither like cooking so we split it).

If you have a cleaner (we don't) the jobs shouldn't be that onerous with school age children.

We are both from 80's. Both work full time. I do alot of the mental load but he will do the doing when instructed. I don't mean to sound patronising on that one but he doesn't take the lead on stuff and I am organised.

He does do all the cooking. And is a great cook.

My cleaner is amazing. She will change the beds and help with laundry so this helps alot.

My husband was born in the 60s, we both work FT and have two school age children.

Making the bed - always me. He couldn't care less if it's made or not. My 6 year old makes her own bed. Teenager's is never made.
Feeding and walking pets - don't have any.
Laundry - he does nearly all. I usually put away the dried laundry. Sometimes I'll put on a load but he doesn't like it because I mess up his "system" whatever that is.
Paying bills - I deal with most of the ad hoc bills (including parent pay, kids activities etc) though the majority are by direct debit and a couple are in his name which he deals with.
Opening the curtains - usually him but sometimes me. Depends who goes into the relevant room first! Same with drawing them in the evening.

Cleaning jobs the cleaners don't do such as inside of windows or inside of the bin etc etc
Meal planning - we take turns to cook and meal plan/shop for our respective meals.

Cooking - as above.
Food shopping - as above.
Kids clothes shopping - husband usually deals with son's clothes, shoes and uniform. I deal with daughter's. But there is some crossover. H bought winter coats for both children this year.

Changing the beds - this is usually husband. Done Saturday morning while I'm cleaning the bathrooms. He also does daughter's bed. Son is old enough to do his own.
Changing the towels - this is me though H then launders them. The tea towel gets changed every evening by wherever cleans up after dinner. Ironing gets outsourced.
Emptying the bins - the kitchen bin and putting out the outside bins is mostly H though if I notice it's full then I do it there and then. If I do it I also clean inside the kitchen bin. I doubt think H does. It's usually me who decants the bathroom/ bedroom/ living room bins into the main kitchen bin.
Clearing out the food cupboards and fridge - we are really bad at this. It's more likely to be me who eventually cracks and starts the clear out but H will then join in and help if he's around.
Changing light bulbs - usually H but I can and have done it. Ditto change plugs, odd bits of DIY. I am more likely to do stuff like sew up teddy bears and put name tapes on stuff but H has done those things too.

Some you didn't mention:
Hoovering - him
Sweeping/mopping hard floors - me
Dusting - usually me
Cleaning bathrooms - me.
Cleaning up kitchen - done by whoever's cooked (H cooks more breakfasts/lunches than me which balances out the extra cleaning I do).
Loading/unloading dishwasher - both but more often me.
Organising children's presents - mostly me. Ditto gifts for nanny, childminder, teachers etc.
Children's admin - mainly me though H deals with their dentistry and bus passes and does a share of the ferrying.
Driving (when we're all together) - usually H though we both can drive/have own cars.
Organising holidays/ social events - nearly always me.
Gardening - nearly always H.
Booking and organising tradesmen - nearly always me.
Sorting out/ setting up tech - nearly always him.

I think it's a fair balance though I definitely do more of the "thinking". And I more actively engage with the children when I'm with them. He'll happily leave them with their screens for hours.