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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think Taylor Swift wrote a song about my husband?

44 replies

Especiallynow · 29/12/2020 09:55

Driving home on Christmas day after my DH had yet again, purposefully tried to embarrass me over something pointless in front of my family. All of a sudden 'Dear John' comes on spotify and it was so apt, I could have cried.

'Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps,
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind,
But I swore I was fine, you paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game,
But you changed the rules every day
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone
Tonight, well I stopped picking up, and this song is to let you know why'

This is just the first verse but the whole song is just the perfect depiction of emotional abuse. I can't believe a 19 year old wrote this.

I don't know if this was a turning point for me. I think I've known for a while that my husband was abusive but I kept talking myself out of it. I didn't understand why someone only started being like that after 15 years and I don't remember it being like that before then.

OP posts:
DoTheNextRightThing · 29/12/2020 09:57

Dear John is heartbreaking. It describes a former relationship of mine as well. I think if you're relating to the song, it's time to get out.

christmasathomeagain · 29/12/2020 09:58

Realisation comes from many forms. Just having your eyes opened and knowing its not you is a great step forward.

Sorry you have lived this for so long.

LittleFir · 29/12/2020 09:58

Taylor is 31.

Original poster
Especiallynow · 29/12/2020 09:59

@LittleFir the song was written when she was 19 Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/12/2020 10:00

She is a clever and insightful young woman

Take your cue from wherever you find it. If this is how you are living, then please change it.

MRex · 29/12/2020 10:01

How theoretically produce to go into the new year with your eyes open to the main issue in your life. So, what's the plan to leave OP? I hear the Relationships board gives good advice, might be worth checking in there.

Original poster
Especiallynow · 29/12/2020 10:01

I suppose the realisation comes with a whole lot of doubt as well. I don't understand how someone could turn into a completely different person after 15 years. That in itself is heartbreaking. Maybe he is ill? I don't know...

OP posts:
MRex · 29/12/2020 10:02

Urgh. I'll try again.

How brilliantly positive to go into the new year with your eyes open to the main issue in your life. So, what's the plan to leave OP? I hear the Relationships board gives good advice, might be worth checking in there.

TravellingSpoon · 29/12/2020 10:02

I listened to this song over and over when going through my separation.

I do feel it put into words everything that my relationship had become.

I hope you are okay OP Sad

Plonque · 29/12/2020 10:04

It's widely believed to have been written about John Mayer.

I'm sorry op Thanks

Original poster
Especiallynow · 29/12/2020 10:10

I feel he has become so volatile. I simply asked him to turn on the taps to run a bath for the children last night and he started screaming, kicked the stair banister and asked me why I was 'causing trouble again'.

Everything is controlled. He wanted me to work when the children went to school, which I wanted to do anyway, but now he won't help with anything around the house/with the children and creates arguments asking why are you working all the time?

He has to have his way all the time or he can't seem to handle it. My family had invited us on a holiday but he didn't want to go, so he's now trying to get them to change it so they're going where he wants to go.

The list is endless.

But if you met him in real life, no one would believe me.

I feel like I am wasting my life away.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/12/2020 10:11

We believe you

gannett · 29/12/2020 10:13

It's a great song.

OP keep your mind on the last verse with an eye to getting out...

'You are an expert at sorry
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes
'Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town'

BendyLikeBeckham · 29/12/2020 10:14

this sounds horrifically familiar, OP.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme. Google it. You can do it online for a tenner.

Living with the Dominator is the book to accompany the course. You can find this online for free too.

BendyLikeBeckham · 29/12/2020 10:16

Sorry. it has gone up to £12.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Still worth every single penny. It is life changing OP.

KRW95 · 29/12/2020 10:17

I felt exactly the same at the age of 16 about a boyfriend who coincidentally was called John who was absolutely awful to me and was emotionally and psychologically abusive. The song still strikes a chord with me when i hear it. I was word for word describing our relationship.

InescapableDeath · 29/12/2020 10:19

I believe you, OP.

Margeryprongs · 29/12/2020 10:23

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you find a way to leave, life is so much better in every respect once you do x

Margeryprongs · 29/12/2020 10:24

And yes - we all believe you.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 29/12/2020 10:25

I believe you.

And as others have said, if you’re living fear song it’s time to get out. It won’t be good for you, and it won’t be good for your children.

Flowers can you talk to your parents or a good, strong friend about it?

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 29/12/2020 10:25

*living this song

StrugglingICUnurse · 29/12/2020 10:27

We believe you. You deserve better

Candleabra · 29/12/2020 10:29

That's awful. And you say no-one will believe you in real life. They will. They know. They will be waiting for you to say something.

sixthtimelucky · 29/12/2020 10:30

I believe you OP.

I'd believe you anyway, but most of us if not all of us know these people - people (trying not to write men here!) who are charismatic, outwardly caring, intelligent etc but who are monsters behind closed doors. A close friend has been married to one for 30 years. Don't let that be you.

And Taylor Swift is a genius, the writer of a generation.

frazzledasarock · 29/12/2020 10:47

When I started divorce proceedings my best told me, darling we could all see it, but it had to be your decision. We didn’t want to lose you in case we said something and you felt you’d need to cut ties with us to maintain loyalty to H.

I bet your parents utterly despise him, and people can see when your H tries to make you look stupid in front of them, ex used to do that too.

Take things slowly, tell a close friend get real life support.
Call around for divorce solicitors and find out where you stand and what the procedure will be in your case.

Good you’ve got a job. You’re not wholly reliant on him. I’d set up a separate online bank account (with a completely different bank than you bank with for your mortgage and joint accounts), and organise for your salary to go into it and also child benefit. Try and put a bit of money away to new account as an emergency fund even if you can’t yet divert your own money to it.

May be worth emailing women’s aid and asking for their advice also.