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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed at Ex H

27 replies

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 29/12/2020 08:35

We have been split up over ten years and have weathered many a storm since then. However in general things are fine and our 2 DC (14 and 11) see us getting on.

He has recently started a new relationship after splitting up of his lovely GF of 7 years who the DCs really liked . I think there was an overlap. I don't have any interest in his business unless it affects the DCs and this time it has.

He had the new GF to stay at his very early on in the relationship. My DS told me. He is 11 and a bit easier to win over. My DD is more savvy and has says she doesn't like the new GF and won't bother getting to know her as 'there will be another one along soon anyway'

She messaged me last night saying they had gone over to to GF's house, and then it was sprung on them quite late on that they were staying there (unplanned) z she was on a blow up bed in the living room having to sleep in her clothes and DS on the sofa.

They are meant to be staying there for 4 more nights but she is begging me to let her come home early.

I didn't agree to it last night but said I would talk to him this morning. I will talk to him but I think it's up to him to sort this out. I'm so annoyed with him. DD has been through a really hard 6 months mental health wise and I have worked really hard to make things as stable as possible for her.

He gets angry at me if I ever question his parenting. He also asks them why they told me X y and z if I ever bring some thing up that they have come to me about. He is also very quick to lay into me. I have suggested mediation as things seem to have deteriorated recently. He had said no.

On the subject of my DD WWYD? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 29/12/2020 08:36

Just to add. He has his house to himself 80% if the time. Is it too much to ask for him to just focus on his DC for the time they are with him and see her the rest of the time?

OP posts:
Backbee · 29/12/2020 08:39

It's tricky as technically he can do what he wants within reason with them, and as long as they are safe. I would say though it's really bad of them to not let them know they were staying over, and to have them on a blow up bed and sofa with none of their overnight stuff. Does he have his own place, could they have gone there instead even if the GF was there? Your DD is old enough to know how she feels, I would say it would be more than reasonable to get her home early, how to navigate that will be trickier if he gets arsey. It sounds like you are more than reasonable though

Womencanlift · 29/12/2020 08:40

So they have to sleep in their clothes and are there for 4 more nights? Does that mean they have no change of clothes with them? That would be a perfect excuse to get in touch with your ex and ask wtf is going on

RedMarauder · 29/12/2020 08:40

You are going to have to tell your DD to speak to her father herself.

If he then refuses to listen she can simply refuse to see him as she is 14 and you can't drag her over there.

Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 08:41

Why do they have no clothes? That’s not ok.

RedMarauder · 29/12/2020 08:42

Oh and your DD is old enough to open the door and walk out.

All you have to do is collect her from around the corner.

Original poster
lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 29/12/2020 08:47

Sorry I read that back and realised my error. No they are meant to be staying with him for 4 more nights not at hers. Yes he has a perfectly good house.

Just to add ..apart from it being (in my opinion) his responsibility to ensure they have a good relationship and suet this out (I never say anything derogatory about him to the').. I don't think me letting her come home early will solve anything. It will just make things Increasingly worse between them. Of course I would have her home if it came to it though.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 29/12/2020 08:51

Letting her come home early might at least reinforce to him he needs to take notice of her feelings and that she isn't a walkover.

Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 08:52

No I don’t think letting her come home early will make things more difficult. She’s old enough to have a say in this and he needs to respect her feelings.

SeasonFinale · 29/12/2020 08:56

I am pretty certain a 14 year old girl can tell her dad if she is not happy with sleeping arrangements.

As you rightly say it is not for you to tell him how to look after them during their time with him. Let DD take it up with him.

Yokey · 29/12/2020 08:58

Your daughter is old enough to decide. He might be an arse, blame you, make life more difficult, but ultimately I would say so be it because your daughter's happiness is more important. Unless you think your daughter is being a bit stroppy and will get over it quickly to enjoy the remaining days, in which case I might try to talk her round and be positive.

Pyewhacket · 29/12/2020 09:02

At 14 she can make her own mind up regarding access. If she doesn’t want to stay she has a right to say so. Maybe a tab difficult this time round but in future she can decline his kind offer. Any court will back her up if necessary. Don’t let him bully you or your kids. NOTHING would stop me protecting my children.

BanginChoons · 29/12/2020 09:04

14 is old enough to decide.

My 15 year old hasn't been going to Dad's for the last couple of years. No big fallout or anything, but equally no effort to make the environment suitable for them. No where to sleep, no privacy, doesn't take them out etc.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/12/2020 09:09

No wonder your daughter is upset. She’s had to sleep in her clothes in a house of someone she doesn’t know just so her dad can get laid. I would pick her up even if it’s just from the end of the road.

cushioncovers · 29/12/2020 09:09

She's 14 she looks to you for guidance and support, she's telling you that she's not happy. I would have to step in and help her if it were me, she's still a child. You're ex had no business in changing the goal posts at short notice without discussing it with the children. What are your kids supposed to do in a strangers house for 5 days? Your ex should have put time aside for his kids. He can see shag the new gf at any time.

Bloatedandconfused · 29/12/2020 09:16

Urgh I know how you feel OP. I have a similar situation with my exh only with more women and much more difficult situations. I try and speak to him about how this stuff could damage the kids and his relationship with them but he's abnormally selfish and just does whatever the hell he wants. He's so desperate to be in a relationship it's actually pitiful. He also goes ballistic if I get even slightly involved - probably because he knows I'm right. If he's got a reasonable relationship with your DD could she try and speak to him herself? My DC finally managed to get exH to take on board their feelings when it comes to new relationships. They spoke to him and said they wanted to be told about new partners beforehand instead of just having these people turn up and how uncomfortable it made them. To be fair, he's listening to their concerns so hopefully he's changed a bit. Who knows? Time will tell.

scubadive · 29/12/2020 09:17

I would definitecollect her. It’s despicable of him not to put his children first for the short time he has them. No doubt he decided he wanted to drink hence the impromptu sleepover at his gf. Not fair on a 14 year old girl and definitely not fair when they hardly know gf.

I would not jeopardise her mental health for anything. Go and collect her.

hulahoopqueen · 29/12/2020 09:18

I would support your daughter in this - though I agree with PP that she is old enough to explain calmly to him why she is not happy with the situation - being away from home overnight with nothing for one night would be too much for me, let alone four!!
I think that she should let you know a time to pick her up, but she needs to explain to her dad why. If it comes from you there's the possibility he might think this is of your volition rather than DD's, and he needs to know that he has put her in a situation she is abjectly uncomfortable in. Hopefully it will make him think twice before doing so again.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 29/12/2020 09:28

Support your daughter in this, please.

KatySun · 29/12/2020 09:28

She is 14 so certainly able to decide. I personally don’t think she is old enough to tell her dad she is not happy or wants to go home and would need support to do that. Maybe she could if they were out somewhere just with him that she was not enjoying, but she was in someone else’s house so she effectively has to tell two other people, one she barely knows.

Is the GF going to be staying the full four nights? If it is one night with the GF and then back to dad’s, just him, you could ask her to stick it out to see how she gets on. But if the GF is going to be there and your DD has said she wants to come home, I think you need to listen to her. She has had a tough time with her mental health and she needs to feel listened to. It is not on to expect a child to sleep overnight in their clothes on a sofa - what was he thinking?

i do think your DD should be able to set boundaries about the situation she is in and have them respected.

Jobsharenightmare · 29/12/2020 09:33

She needs to learn to assert herself at 14 so that she can do the same with other people who do things that make her feel uncomfortable. I would tell her she needs to speak up and tell her dad how she feels.

Also it feels a bit unfair to say that another girlfriend will be along in a minute as he's had a 7 year relationship end, not a series of flings. If she is missing the old girlfriend she shouldn't project into the new one.

Panicwiththebistoandpaxo · 29/12/2020 09:38

5 days in the same clothes - yuk - and what about brushing teeth and showering? Hell for a 14 year old girl.

Jobsharenightmare · 29/12/2020 09:42

I think it was one night without her things?

Original poster
lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 29/12/2020 09:45

Sorry to those of you who didn't see my update. No they just stayed there last night.
Thanks for your input.
I asked him to call me. He didn't so messaged him about last night. No response as yet. I'm actually away at my parents' until tonight so I wouldn't be able to get her until later. I hope he takes how she is feeling on board.

If things are no better by this evening I will consider going to her her.

OP posts:
Dopeyduck · 29/12/2020 10:48

Can you just message him

‘DD text me upset over sleeping at GF house, can you find time to have a chat with her privately to sort it, perhaps she feels awkward in from of GF and doesn’t want to sound rude’.

That would seem balanced, you’re leaving him to be the parent and sort it, there’s no blame or anger or telling him how to sort it. You’ve simply highlighted an issue to him that DD brought to you.

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