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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping your child away from a family member you’ve argued with...

23 replies

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 08:06

Do you do this or is it completely unacceptable / egotistical? If your child has a positive relationship with a close family member, would you continue to facilitate that even if you yourself have become ill-disposed towards them?

My sisters had had a heated argument over a relative non issue (some mild insults bandied around - both had their fair share of blame, as far as I can see). One of has a toddler, and not long after, said baby crawled over to my other sister’s room and they were spending time together - they’re getting quite close. Sister comes over and basically snatches her baby away - ‘if you want a relationship with her don’t insult her mum’. Other sister is completely broken and says it’s violating the niece-aunt relationship which should remain intact irrespective of what happens between sisters.

Who’s being a drama queen here? I think there can be an instinct to keep your child away from people who have hurt you, but surely that creates trust issues if you’re switching relationships on and off in their life, with no consistency?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2020 08:08

Do they all live in the same house?

MinesAPintOfTea · 29/12/2020 08:09

If it's a squabble where they are both still capable of being in the same room, and long term contract is expected to continue then no.

If a proper falling out, with long term along of contact, then yes. I would not send my child to the estranged family member we don't communicate with, for obvious reasons

Blanca87 · 29/12/2020 08:10

Erm I wouldn’t be exposing toxicity to the child, No. Equally if the relationship is that bad I wouldn’t be popping round to visit either.I would arrange to catch up outside away from any drama.

NeonSparkle · 29/12/2020 08:12

A little squabble then yes but if your going no-contact with a family member then no you can’t expect the relationship to continue.

funinthesun19 · 29/12/2020 08:13

If it was a massive fall out and you didn’t want contact with them anymore, then letting their child have contact with them would just make cutting their own contact with that person ineffective. So I can see why it’s necessary to stop them from seeing the child.

PossiblyPFB · 29/12/2020 08:18

We have a similar situation in our family and it’s really straightforward. There is no access to the child except via the parents.

Ours is proper long-standing situation featuring a catalogue of poor behaviour - forgive me if I’m wrong but this sounds more like a recent minor disagreement that might be resolvable?

Signalbox · 29/12/2020 08:19

As a general rule, if you want to have a relationship with a child you will need to cultivate a good relationship with the parent. There is no "right" to a relationship for an Aunt.

SimplyRadishing · 29/12/2020 08:21

@Signalbox

As a general rule, if you want to have a relationship with a child you will need to cultivate a good relationship with the parent. There is no "right" to a relationship for an Aunt.

This.

rawlikesushi · 29/12/2020 08:25

I think it depends what the falling-out was about.

If you argued over something relatively trivial then I'd continue to facilitate a relationship even if I didn't want one myself.

If you argued over something very significant, or something which exposed your relative to be of very poor character, then I think my child was better off without them in their life.

In the situation you describe, a tit for tat argument with all living in the same house, I'd think the mother was being very petty and using her child as a tool to hurt her sibling.

Original poster

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 08:25

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do they all live in the same house?

No, sister with toddler was visiting. I don’t think this is a situation where they’ll ever go no-contact, but they do - every two months or so - have a heated argument of this sort where relationships are slightly soured for a few days or a week max, until they get over it.

OP posts:

rawlikesushi · 29/12/2020 08:28

Well if you can objectively see that both are at fault in the argument, I think visiting sister is wrong. From now on, she'll 'win' every argument by threatening to withhold her toddler. Perhaps you could talk to her when things are calmer and she's more receptive.

PoppinTheCorn · 29/12/2020 08:28

Why take it out on the child.

NYCDreaming · 29/12/2020 08:32

If I stopped talking to somebody it would be because they had done something horrible and hadn't apologised, so no I wouldn't be facilitating my child's relationship with that person. I think "if you want a relationship with her don’t insult her mum" is a pretty reasonable boundary.

It would be different if the child was a teenager and had their own relationship with their aunt already, but no I wouldn't go out of my way to facilitate a relationship between my toddler and somebody who wasn't talking to me.

Maybe the aunt needs to think about what is more important - her relationship with her niece or a petty argument.

Original poster

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 08:33

Maybe it’s not comparable, but DH grew up with his parents constantly arguing with his aunt. He had a young cousin of a comparable age, and their relationship was an on-off switch - best friends for a while, birthday parties etc, then zero contact for a year - no more presents or visits - then relationships reignite again, then back to ‘no we’re not talking to that family’. That kind of situation is very disruptive for a child imo but maybe that’s an extreme.

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 29/12/2020 08:36

All sounds very pathetic and immature🙄. These are adults in charge of children ? My teens behave better.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/12/2020 08:40

My cousin used her child as a pawn a lot in petty and minor squabbles as a way of control. It stopped working when the people she was trying to control had their own kids because they stopped even trying to make an effort. Her kids lost out - they’re on the very margins of both their families and don’t really get thought of or considered at christmas.

Original poster

Circumlocutious · 29/12/2020 08:42

Sorry for the drip feed. May as well give some brief context:

Child-free sister had bought some MSG to use in her cooking. Visiting sister was angry (‘why are you buying this shit!’) Sister explained that it was for a few Chinese dishes for herself only, and not for everyday cooking (eg including niece). Other sister said that they would probably no longer be eating her food, because there might be MSG everywhere. Then the insult: ‘obtuse’.

OP posts:

saraclara · 29/12/2020 08:46

Maybe the aunt needs to think about what is more important - her relationship with her niece or a petty argument.

Maybe the mother needs to stop using her child as a pawn in petty arguments.

One of the sisters is causing damage to her child in order to retain control over the other. She's the one at most blame imo.

MessAllOver · 29/12/2020 08:47

"Using" children by withholding contact with them is wrong. Children have a right to consistent relationships with the adults in their lives. If the mum had been withholding contact with her ex, the child's dad, because they'd had an argument, she'd be rightly slated (and the father could take her to court). The relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings are less central to a child's life but should still be allowed to develop despite adult squabbles.

Of course, if adults are estranged/ don't get on, they are less likely to meet and so will see the children less. But the children are not a "prize" or bargaining-chip to be withheld.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/12/2020 08:47

@Circumlocutious

Sorry for the drip feed. May as well give some brief context:

The sister with the child sounds thick. Msg is found naturally in a lot of foods from mushrooms to tomatoes and cheese

Ranald · 29/12/2020 08:58

Using a child as a pawn to "win" an argument is immature and disgraceful behaviour.

Yokey · 29/12/2020 09:02

Sounds petty and like she is using her child as a weapon. Agree if it's serious and low/no contact then you wouldn't expose the child to toxicity, but keep children out of squabbles.

Gatehouse77 · 29/12/2020 09:04

One side of my family brought a fallout from one generation down and sideways and royally screwed up the entire family dynamics. It was through bitterness and selfishness that they did that as there was no reason to spread the hate among the rest, trying to force people to take sides. It utterly broke the family and the ramifications are still felt today.

I was estranged from one parent for 15 years but never stood in the way of them having a relationship with my children. Initially, a sibling acted as a go-between but, over time, things changed. I now have a cordial relationship with that parent and they with us.

Obviously, individual circumstances and nuances of history, personality and events mean there’s no right or wrong answer.

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