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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about bedtime?

16 replies

CrazyKitkatLady · 28/12/2020 22:30

I have a 6 month old DD. She’s EBF (apart from super tiny amounts of food we’ve introduced this week as we’ve started weaning) so at bedtime I give her a last feed, usually lying down in bed, and then transfer her to her cot when she’s asleep. Then I sneak away downstairs to have a bit of evening with DH before the night (where I deal with 100% of night wakes)

The transfer doesn’t always go smoothly and sometimes she wakes up as soon as you put her down. I always try for at least an hour to get her down. If after an hour it isn’t working I call DH and let him try rocking her to sleep. Usually he manages this in less than 15 minutes.

Tonight DD is having a bad night for some reason and woke up a couple of times after being put down. On the 2nd time she woke DH went back up to settle her and after 5 mins or so called for help as she was getting a bit cross. I went up, gave her a cuddle to get her calm (took less than a minute) and burped her which seemed to be why she was cross, then handed her back to DH to rock her back to sleep. He’s now furious with me and says as she was in my arms I should have rocked her to sleep.... she wasn’t almost asleep at the time I handed her back.

AIBU to think that if I’ve spent about an hour and a half feeding and settling her tonight he can manage an hour? He said I’m bean counting (which I suppose I am) but otherwise I’d be up there all night with no evening (and not looking like a fantastic night ahead) whilst he gets an evening and a full nights sleep.

If it matters he’s on leave at the moment so not working tomorrow.

He says he was stressed with her being awake but I’m not sure how I was meant to know that (apart from it being generally stressful having an wake baby when you want a sleeping one?) if he’d said I’m losing my rag can you take over obviously I would have but apparently I’m meant to be done sort of mind reader saint (as obviously if I got stressed with the baby presumably I’d just have to manage?!)

I’ll add that normally he is really good and does his share but seems to be having a dodgy day... an I completely off base? Is it normal for mum to do everything baby related?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 28/12/2020 22:38

Of course it's not normal for Mothers to do everything. You did nothing wrong.

If you don't share, then she'll only allow herself to be comforted and settled by you. When she gets older, that will piss you both off.

Tell him he can get to fuck. What a wimp.

Original poster
CrazyKitkatLady · 28/12/2020 22:41

@FortunesFave

Of course it's not normal for Mothers to do everything. You did nothing wrong.

If you don't share, then she'll only allow herself to be comforted and settled by you. When she gets older, that will piss you both off.

Tell him he can get to fuck. What a wimp.

This is what I was thinking but he’s made me doubt myself a bit, thank you!
OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 28/12/2020 22:44

I went up, gave her a cuddle to get her calm (took less than a minute) and burped her which seemed to be why she was cross, then handed her back to DH to rock her back to sleep

To be fair I can see both sides here. If he's generally good and does his share, I don't think it's all that unreasonable for him to have thought you might continue to rock her to sleep as you'd already taken over at that point. In your shoes, whilst I see your point of view about having a bit of an evening etc, I wouldn't have handed her back. Regardless of whose "turn" it was, it was an unnecessary disruption which wasn't needed.

SeaToSki · 28/12/2020 22:51

Its normal to get stressy about a baby that wont sleep easily and its natural to try and push some of the work onto someone else if you are tired (and both of you are tired). So you both are right and wrong. The only way forward is to remember to think kindly of your spouse (both of you) and move on

RichTeaCheddars · 28/12/2020 23:24

My baby is also 6 months old and breastfed. I feed her, she falls asleep in cot then between 7:30pm and 11:30pm any wakings are dealt with by DP. Unless she gets really upset and then I'll come and feed her. Then I do all the night wakings. Usually 2-3 wakings till 11:30 and 2-3 wakings in the night.

I can see both sides but if I'd taken over at that point I'm not sure I'd have handed her back to DP. I'd just carry on and he'd do the next one. Unless I was totally shattered or fed up. Sometimes baby does just seem to prefer one of us to the other so we have more luck where the other didn't in getting her back to sleep.

Rosebel · 28/12/2020 23:27

I do think that as you'd settled her and she was almost asleep you could have carried on. I also understand that you wanted a break before dealing with her tonight.
It sounds like you're both tired and expecting the other to know that without really communicating.
It's hard. I have a six month old so I get it.
It sounds like you're a good team but don't ever feel that mum should do everything, that's not right.
Could you just have a chat with him, clear the air and hopefully start afresh tomorrow?

stayathomer · 28/12/2020 23:28

To be fair I can see both sides here. If he's generally good and does his share, I don't think it's all that unreasonable for him to have thought you might continue to rock her to sleep as you'd already taken over at that point. In your shoes, whilst I see your point of view about having a bit of an evening etc, I wouldn't have handed her back. Regardless of whose "turn" it was, it was an unnecessary disruption which wasn't needed.
This exactly- tables turned if dh had handed her back I wouldn't have been thrilled

isadorapolly · 28/12/2020 23:30

Meh, at 6 months I’d feed her, give her a kiss and shut the door until she was due the next feed. But I know people think that’s mean Smile anyway yanbu!

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/12/2020 23:32

I only voted YABU because you’re feeding your baby, and then putting her straight down with no burping. No wonder she doesn’t settle! You can avoid all the stress by feeding the baby until sleepy, putting on your shoulder to burp and rock to sleep and THEN laying her down.

Floralnomad · 28/12/2020 23:35

Neither of you are being unreasonable but if he called you for help then I would have assumed that he wanted you to take over . I may see things differently though as I was never particularly fussed about’ having an evening ‘ when I had babies / small children , I would have just watched TV in bed .

Sittinginmyoodie · 28/12/2020 23:35

@SeaToSki

Its normal to get stressy about a baby that wont sleep easily and its natural to try and push some of the work onto someone else if you are tired (and both of you are tired). So you both are right and wrong. The only way forward is to remember to think kindly of your spouse (both of you) and move on
This. There will be many more bun fights and cries of 'I got up last time' to come.

We had a TV in our bedroom and a lot of evenings we would just get comfy and watch some telly together upstairs in bed with DC. I also used to enjoy reading while cuddling DC in the feeding chair in the evenings. That way I still got to relax in the evening even with DC.

Nohomemadecandles · 28/12/2020 23:36

I think you might be bean counting but I can totally understand why.
He clearly doesn't think it's just your job. You're both tired and bedtimes can be frustrating when you both need some adult time together.
It's exhausting at times.

StacySoloman · 28/12/2020 23:38

Change your routine around so you feed her downstairs (you'll need to start brushing her teeth before bed soon anyway).
Hand her awake to your DH to put to bed.
She will sleep much better if you get her into her bed awake and settle her in the cot, and bedtime will be a million times quicker.

FortunesFave · 28/12/2020 23:42

Stacys advice it great....they get aware very quickly...this sort of routine helps them separate awake time with sleeping time.

Jent13c · 28/12/2020 23:58

I've always been a bit more hands on with bedtime unless I'm working and then DH does it. However we have always had a rule that if one parent is clearly getting irritated then the other steps in and settles the kids. We dont want to be going to bed after getting really wound up so the other person with a fresh perspective steps in.

I do agree to try and settle without feed though Confused. I had one who fed to sleep and he was very needy and never slept and my youngest who doesnt makes bedtime so so much easier. We found our arguments about who did what were much fewer when we both started getting some sleep!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/12/2020 00:02

If DH is on leave, have a lie in in the morning.

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