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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I owe DH a thanks for this?

55 replies

Whatiswrongwithmykid · 28/12/2020 11:44

I just went to do the laundry and discovered the utility room roof has sprung a leak. It’s soaked the washing powder box which is stored on a shelf. I only discovered this when the box disintegrated as I took it down and spilt powder everywhere.
DH helped me clean up. As I was finishing hoovering it all he decided to go for a shower. He then got all sarcastic with me because I didn’t stop what I was doing to thank him for helping me clear up.
AIBU for this? I was still cleaning and I just see it as one of those domestic pita’s that we both sorted out. I don’t see it as something he needs special thanks for, anymore than I’ve had thanks for doing the laundry or any of the other millions of jobs I do.
It’s such a small thing but I’m finding him pretty unbearable to be around these days because of lots of instances like this. Like I will be reading and he will walk into the room and decide I’m in a mood and get all stroppy which then does put me in a mood.

OP posts:

nosswith · 28/12/2020 13:15

It does not seem an isolated thing, more a part of a deteriorating relationship.

byebyeboyee · 28/12/2020 13:17

If he notices when you have tidied up, done the dishes, wiped the surfaces,moped etc and thanked you yeah maybe you should have. However since his clothes magically appear on his body washed like a god you should be worshiping the fact he lowered himself to tidy up something only you use. If he had gotten up on the roof and fixed the leak in the pissing rain yeah you should thank him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2020 13:18

You said your DH helped you clear up. That's the root of the problem.

I'd have said DH and I cleared it up.

Mainly cos the mess happened to both of us.

So no, no need for thanks. The mess was not yours. He's being a twat!

LannieDuck · 28/12/2020 13:23

Did he say thank you to you for helping him clear up?

BBCONEANDTWO · 28/12/2020 13:30

I think it's really sad that you have to ask this - and it's a thing with women. I bet your hubby is enjoying himself not worried one bit about whether he thanked you. I just wonder why we as women always need to explain ourselves. I'm going to try in 2021 to be more 'man' about things and play 'grey rock'. We shouldn't have to be worried about every little thing - wait for it I'll be back asking for advice soon ha ha

CherryValanc · 28/12/2020 13:34

Unless he already does from now on, when you do something "for him" ask him why he didn't thank you for whenever it is.

No need to be sarcastic like he was, just ask. "Why haven't you thanked me for cooking dinner/washing your clothes/cleaning your house?"

When he asked what you think you are doing remind him about the Ungrateful Laundry Power Moment. If he says it's different ask him why.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 13:37

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit not formally, but when he's done the dishwasher I'll say "thanks babe" and when I've finished cleaning the counters he'll say "well that looks better, thanks sweetie" it feels unnatural to not acknowledge that someone has done something that benefits you. If we are fully doing a job together and finish at the same time then we dont neccesarily say "thanks for cleaning up the rubbish" "thank you for also cleaning up the rubbish" but we do often end a day of cleaning or hard work by saying thank you to eachother for helping during the day and recognise that we've got a lot done today by working as a team.

I think we both feel its important to recognise that the other person doesn't actually HAVE to do anything for you, they're choosing to. And we like to let eachother know that we appreciate the contribution the other is making to our lives.

MizMoonshine · 28/12/2020 13:41

You don't owe him thanks.
But I, personally, would have given it. It takes a second to say thank you.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/12/2020 13:42

Even if you did owe him a thank you (which you didn't) it's even more rude to have a strop about not getting a thank you then it is to not give one.

I'm scruulous at always saying thank you at every possible opportunity but I can't stand people who wait around until someone forgets to say thank you so that they can take offence.

daisychain01 · 28/12/2020 13:44

It's less relevant whether it's reasonable or not, and much more relevant how you both are normally, in your relationship together.

Many people find it really strange to say thanks for anything, because they feel it's "implied thanks", you're both pulling your weight and take on different jobs round the house, fair division of labour.

Others thank each other irrespective of whether it was "their job" or not, they like to say thanks, it's a free country, that's their style of communication.

If neither of you ever thanks the other under normal circumstances, why would you suddenly be expected to randomly say thanks for your DH cleaning up the mess!

sammylady37 · 28/12/2020 13:46

To be fair, it sounds like you called him for help -as you say that you had gone to do the laundry and found the leak when the box of powder fell apart and spilled everywhere. You say it’s ‘a domestic pita’ which it is, but it sounds like something that one person could have dealt with- sweeping/hoovering up powder. If he was doing something else, even if that was just chilling, and you asked him to come help you deal with something, then it would be nice to thank him for that.

TheWernethWife · 28/12/2020 13:53

FFS - Thank him when he's packed his bags and buggered off. Life is too bloody short for all this shilly shallying about. Does he want you to bob a curtsy as well. Knobhead.

BlackCatShadow · 28/12/2020 13:53

Maybe you need to make him a little reward chart to stick on the fridge and you can give him a sticker every time he his helpful. Would that show enough appreciation for him?

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 13:54

If you spilt the powder (all be it accidentally) and then asked him to help you then I don't see why you wouldn't thank him. But it's not a big deal and I'm not sure why he'd call you out on it. Probably because he feels he does too much which probably isn't true at all.

Zilla1 · 28/12/2020 14:02

He sounds like a man who when he spends some time looking after his DC, he sees it as giving you some time off or babysitting for you and expect a thank youas well. Seems an odd perspective unless he thanks you every single time you do something in the house, every load of washed clothes, every meal cooked but even then, it doesn't sound like he sees domestic activities as his responsibility. Was he treated like a little Prince by his DM?

WeAllHaveWings · 28/12/2020 14:03

As the person who moved the box resulting in the spill I would have naturally thanked dh for helping to clear up. dh would have thanked me too if it was the other way around, that is just the way we interact with each other.

This is about a bigger problem where you have let your household dynamic develop into fixed roles and resentment is building up on both sides. Any partner/spouse only stops pulling their weight with household chores if the other one accepts it early on, once those roles have been imbedded over years they are very difficult to reset. You need to have a heart to heart with each other.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2020 14:09

As the person who moved the box if have sworn and DH would have asked if I was OK. Then we would have worked out what caused it together, whilst cleaning up the aftermath together.

Just happened with a backed up drain. Lots of disgusting shit to clear up, no thanks given or received.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 28/12/2020 14:13

Maybe he didn't realise the box had split so he thought you spilt the powder and he helped you clean it up?
Sometimes I thank DH if he helps me tidy up something I've spilt. Sometimes I wouldn't.
You'll know whether you'd usually thank each other in those circumstances.

Lightsontbut · 28/12/2020 14:14

DH helped me clean up.

Why was it not you helping him clean up? his utility room too isn't it?

lottiegarbanzo · 28/12/2020 14:16

Huh? I don't understand.

Did you summon him? Or did he just appear and help (in which case it's mucking in, rather than 'helping')?

Generally, it sounds as though he's feeling very irritable. Maybe there's an external reason for that, maybe he's experiencing a bad patch in your relationship, maybe too much proximity this year or season is causing him to notice all the annoying things. Maybe he's experiencing mild depression (irritability, as well as loss of motivation and enthusiasm, are symptoms).

It sounds as though his irritability is causing him to pick fights and/or he views you as his domestic appliance and personal entertainer, so cannot bear to see you spending time on yourself.

2020isalmosthindsight · 28/12/2020 14:17

"You're not a fucking guest, you are a joint home owner and husband with home and family responsibilities. I'm not going to thank you specially for doing your share, especially seeing as you certainly weren't thanking me for trying to sort it out with you! FFS!"

Beautifulbonnie · 28/12/2020 14:20

I probably would thank him

Seeing as I asked him to help

Today for example. I feel like death warmed up. So he’s cleaned. Cooked. Done loads. So I did say thank you. He does for me too.

We’ve had a very happy marriage for 15 years.

Chalfontstgiles · 28/12/2020 14:44

Just get someone in to fix your roof ASAP. The rest is too petty to comment on really.

billy1966 · 28/12/2020 15:09

He sounds unbearable if he expects to be thanked for doing something in his own home.
Husband and I do thank each other but it's courtesy.

Sounds as if your marriage is not in the best of places.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 28/12/2020 15:46

Have been thinking a bit more about this and I definitely would thank anyone, including my husband, for helping me to clean up a mess that happened because I moved or dropped something, even if it wasn't my "fault". My husband is the same. So if I go into a room and I can see he's tidied it or hoovered or whatever I'll call out something like "sitting room looks lovely" so he knows I've clocked it, and he'll do the same.

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