To feel so lonely despite having a DH and DC?

[AnotherWastedYear]

I am there for my DC and DH obviously and they have their own friends. DH has a large family who I have never been close to and I don’t talk to them unless I physically see them which is only a few times a year. I have no friends, lost contact with the last one I had 14 years ago. I am irreconcilably NC with my family. I don’t even have acquaintances nowadays as youngest DC makes their own way to school so I don’t see school mums anymore and that was only really a ‘Hi’ in passing anyway!

I’m a SAHM and realistically won’t be able to go back to the workplace this year as I intended to due to CV effect on the job market. I see no one apart from DH and DC.

I am so envious of DH that he has a family chat on SM that’s he’s on a lot, he spends hours on the phone to his mum and sisters, and he has friends and work colleagues to chat to and joke with.

I don’t have anyone for myself and I’m so bloody lonely even though I’m surrounded by people! I have no one to call, only DH, DC and GP/dentist/school in my phone contacts.

I can’t believe I’ve ended up like this! Nearly 50 as well so small chance of making friends now.

I just don’t know to change it.

for you its tough. Are you starting to feel this now that your children are older/more independant? I think the 50s might actually be a decent time to make friends as there are more likely to be empty nesters around your age, plus you have more time to pursue interests/hobbies (but Im not there yet so what do I know...). I think those are more likely to render friendships than school gate stuff as you share a common interest. That said I would start with the aim of making acquaintances/having pleasant small talk with people and hopefully growing friendships out of that. You could try:
-hobbies - although it might take a while to work out what you want to do if you have not been used to doing that
-book groups are good for a chat
-WI (I know, but I actually know people in their 30s who enjoy being a member and I think it is sort of designed to help women expand their social group)
-Volunteering, I have made a lot of friends that way

I know that most of this is not as easy because of Covid (aaargh) but that wont last for ever. If you do not have enough free time to do some of the things you want (and make friends in the process) you need to have a long hard talk with your husband because that isnt fair.

I feel like this too.

We need to get part time work. I had planned to this year, but then COVID happened. You can chat to me! My closest friend died five years ago. We would constantly text and ring. I miss her so much! What did u do before the DC? I'm also NC and LC with family of origin which is really hard.

Pp has given lots of great advice. What I would add is, it sounds like your dh spends a huge amount of time and effort maintaining contact with his family and friends. Is this to the detriment of your relationship? Is he also investing equally, if not more so, in his relationship with you? Or is he spreading himself too thin time and effort wise?

Being a single mum, I've battled loneliness for most of my life, and have almost come to accept it now as dc grow up and become more independent. I do feel for you.

Is there something you could join where you'd have the company of others for a little while, even if you don't necessarily find friends straight away? Are any local groups meeting online? It could be anything - joining a book club/exercise class/faith group/language class/local newsletter etc. It can be really hard to make friends but just seeing a few people might give you a boost.

Gosh, I could have written this. My parents have sadly passed away and I am NC with my siblings, I wish I wasn’t. My exH isolated me and moved us around frequently and now I’m living very rurally and feel so lonely and hate that I feel almost jealous of my DH having calls and videos with his, small but very loving, family. I’m the wrong age to make friends now it seems, too old for young Mums to have any interest and too young for our more elderly neighbours to be more than polite. It sucks and I wish I lived near you!

Thanks for the replies. Sort to hear there are others in a similar situation. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one!

I wouldn’t say DH spends a lot of time maintaining his relationships with family and friends at the detriment of ours Fortune. He will speak to his mum and sisters a few times a month but he’ll be on the phone for hours as they have a lot to talk about. I don’t mind at all but it does bring it home that I don’t have anyone to talk to like that. He knows it hurts and does try to include me in the conversation.

We had some issues in our relationship last year where we were seriously considering splitting up (long marriage, grown apart) and I had absolutely no one to talk to about it so had to post on here! It makes me feel very vulnerable and of course I’d be even more alone then but we’ve got over that now. I do still worry that we could still split up in the future and I’ll be totally alone when the DC leave home.

I shall be looking for a part time job or any job this year Geppili but I know it will be difficult due to the economy. Good luck in your endeavours too .

I don’t have any hobbies as I find social situations really anxiety inducing, obviously lack of them just perpetuates the cycle! I had a pretty abusive and traumatic childhood which left me with an anxiety disorder and very low self esteem which is why. I desperately want to fight back and reclaim my life but I just don’t know where to start!

Good point about making acquaintances first yetanother instead of worrying about making friends. That feels like less pressure, thank you for the idea.

Sorry to hear there are others on a similar situation.

I am 48 and new to the UK. I am making friends as best I can, despite Covid. Am used to it as have moved around a lot and I no longer find it embarrassing to have few friends. Things I have done:
Joined a walking group
Joined an online book club. Really recommend these.
Am active on Twitter and met a few ppl off it ( pre Tier 4).
Plan to try and meet neighbours.

Volunteer ..

there are some outdoor ??

Join a choir

Get out and do cto5k

Do a course
Get a job

I only have one sibling and she has lived in the US all her adult life, and my mom is in my home country, so I understand how you feel. But it is never too late to make friends. I actually think 50 is a great age as most women will be done with the kids by then and not need a babysitter.

Op, we have so many, many things in common, including no contact with extended family and abuse in childhood which has also left me with low self esteem.

I have also got relationship issues which is compounding everything and I am stuck (not helped by lack of support system). I am 47 with 3 dcs including 2 young ones.

But I do have one good friend who I met through a shared hobby. I am a sahm, steadily working on developing a low key business (it's an interest which keeps me occupied). I also intend to join a walking group when youngest starts school. I am fully prepared to meet people a bit older than me, I enjoy their company and wisdom. There are a couple of different groups I want to join (I am anxious but determined to break through the barrier). I suppose I am formulating a plan and hoping I will meet more people this way.

I totally understand how you can be lonely in spite of having a dh and dc. I have felt it more than ever since relationship issues kicked in but on the other hand it is making me be a bit pro-active and look outside of myself. I am trying hard not to let it drag me down by focusing on interests etc. I am also hoping to attend counselling when face to face is available.

I think fwiw. that I might stand a chance of making more friends away from the school gates. I have met a few lovely people this way but it is down to luck really.

Good luck with the job hunting.

I think it's important to understand what got you to this position and to address that - wwhat happened to all your previous friendships!?

Hi OP
There some great suggestions here, I was wondering if you could look into some local volunteer work? It would get you out of the house, you would meet new people, it would boost your confidence in feeling productive and useful whilst supporting others, it helps take your mind of things for a bit, it does for me. I volunteer for 2 charities which I find very rewarding and has helped my mental health.
Take care

I think it's important to understand what got you to this position and to address that - wwhat happened to all your previous friendships?

Strongly agree with this. It is TOTALLY normal to need human contact outside your immediate family unit. The question is, what do you need to do differently to avoid repeating the pattern you have fallen into.

There are great suggestions on this thread already, but to make them work you will need to push yourself. I think putting off work for another year is an example of falling back into the old pattern. You may not get the job of your dreams this year, but any job that forces you out into the world, interacting with people, would be a step forward.

Woolysock - That's really great to hear - I've got voluntary work on my list to try and I am inspired by your positive experiences. Yes op, this is something else to look at if the job hunt doesn't work out (or maybe combined with).

@AnotherWastedYear this is almost me, but I'm a little younger. Fancy being my mate?!

Lots of good advice here.

I think the main thing (once this grim period is over) is to get out and keep experimenting - don’t retreat if a couple of things don’t work, keep at it, it is a numbers game.

Sensible to aim for good company rather than close friends first.

And don’t worry c being in your 50s, lots of empty nesters and people looking for a new lease of life in the second half of life.

I'm in the same boat Op. Just Dp and son. I've been looking at volunteering also, just to get me out. I'm 45.

If anyone on this thread wants a mn buddy, I'm here.

Sensible to aim for good company rather than close friends first.

This is what I'm aiming for. I have more or less been in my own company with young children for years (on and off) having a largish age gap between all 3. I did work for many years but didn't make any lasting friendships sadly.

I actually think 50 is a great age as most women will be done with the kids by then and not need a babysitter.

Agreed.

But it doesn't apply to me. I've had my last two dc later in life but figure I can squeeze something into the school hours - six hours will still enable me to get out and about (I'm trying to remain optimistic). It would be lovely to have an evening out each week too...I haven't done this in a long time and have plans...

An elderly lady once said to me "People don't come to you. There are activities/things to do but you must make the effort to go out and find them. She was very active with U3A (she lived alone after being widowed) and I found her pragmatic approach to seeking company, inspirational. She also went on cruises etc. alone too.

It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat.

It feels a bit daunting but perhaps we can return to this thread and give each other some moral support (when restrictions ease etc.)

Try volunteering, places like charity shops can be a fantastic place to meet others and build up confidence chatting to new people too. - obviously depending on tier as to whether they are open where you are.

Or even a part time job, even if it's not a job you want to build up, it would just be something to build on confidence and meet new people.