Having 4th baby

[untiedairlines]

Don’t think this is just a fleeting last hurrah but for a while I’ve been feeling not done with having children. I have a 3.5 yo and twin 2 yos. I feel so robbed of a nice pregnancy because my twin pregnancy was a car crash. I would like another baby.

I’m 33. We have a nanny so childcare wouldn’t cost much more. Identical twins so not the hereditary kind and I’m no more likely to have another set of twins. DH says he really feels done yet he’s been dragging his feet about getting the vasectomy he committed to. We would have to move house and buy a new car - affordable but not ideal. I feel like the shift from 3-4 would be less dramatic than 0-1 or 1-3 which we’ve already done.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

I have 4. No 4 was a complete surprise but I dont think I could have honestly said I was “done” until she came along. Now I know for sure our family is definitely complete.
I thought maybe there wouldn’t be much difference going from 3-4 but that hasn’t been my experience...I think to an extent that depends on your baby and how well they sleep etc.
It’s hard work but I love having 4. I say go for it :-)

I have 4 and I find it much much harder than 3 but then I’m a lone parent so that would make it very different! So my opinion probably isn’t valid But I find 3/4 was harder than 1/2 or 2/3 personally.

At some point you have to lead with your head. What happens if you have number 4 and still don't feel done...will you just keep going?

I didn't feel done after dc3 but dh got a vasectomy because we knew that, sensibly, 3 was plenty.

I am one of 4 and DH is one of 4 and honestly don't do it. Maybe you think it's fine with a
Nanny now but do you have the energy to support 4 teenagers? Will you have the energy to dote on 4 sets of grandchildren? My parents and PIL don't. I'm in my late 30s still competing for parents attention and now on behalf of my children who have to share grandparents with 10+ cousins on each side.

I have exactly the same set up of children as you. Identical twins and an older one (2 years older)
I really wanted another. I was 2/3 years older than you but really wanted more. I felt my second pregnancy was not my last as I always wanted at least 3 kids and never expected to have twins!
However, the twin pregnancy was hard and did some lasting muscle damage which I felt would come back in another pregnancy.
Just because it’s identical twins, there is no KNOWN reason to have another set but that’s only because it’s not been studied enough. No one really knows why women have Id twins. An enzyme is released at fertilisation but they don’t really understand why. I personally know 3 mums with 2 sets of identical twins (not ivf)
I just couldn’t risk another set of twins and that’s what ultimately put me off. 5 kids all so young and I just don’t think I would have been able to spend enough time on them individually, plus the expense, the bedrooms needed, the car, family holidays abroad much more difficult and expensive.
Also the risk of having a child with significant disability or similar and still having 3 very small children.
My husband was very much ‘enjoy and make a fuss of what we have, let’s not push it’
I was so broody for a few years but 6 years on it’s worn off. I’m so glad that I didn’t go for any more now. Just the time needed as they get older with school and clubs and a million other things would have been much harder with a baby / toddler in tow (or 2!!!)

Thank everyone. I do see these rational points but this feeling is so strong.

I have two DCs and for a long time wondered about a third, but now when DS2 is 8 I’m glad we didn’t succumb to the ‘feeling’ of not being done. Like a PP says, you need to make decisions like these with your head. How will you support 4 children (or possibly 5 as PP warns), how will you split your time? It’s hard enough with two wanting to do different clubs - 4 would mean saying no to a lot of their requests. What if the 4th child had additional needs, how would you deal with that? How would you support 4 children through university? These are the questions you need to be answering rather than simply going with your feeling of not being done - as a PP suggests, what if you still don’t feel done afterwards?

I don't know how this thread will go but I have four and am one of four. A similar thread recently was very shocking to me with multiple posters sharing their experiences of being in a large family and how awful it had been. I felt terribly guilty reading it. But I have always loved being one of four, there was always someone to play with, and never felt I had to compete for attention from my parents. Times like Christmas and holidays always great fun. DH and I felt we had the resources both financial and emotional to have four and so far so good! We try to spend time with them each individually and support all their interests. Good luck whatever you decide.

I wouldn’t do it unless your DP is up for it.

Not fair on them or on your kids because time and resources will be stretched over 4, and if not wanted it will be resented.

My mum wanted 4 my Dad 2, they had 3 but honestly it was too much for them, especially as money got unexpectedly tight later on.

I promise you the yearning feeling will fade. I REALLY wanted a third, but knew it wasn’t the sensible thing to do for various reasons. Two years on and I am SO glad we didn’t have another!

It’s weird because I never had this feeling after DC1. Just had more babies because it was the thing to do. But now it’s so strong.

If you and your partner would like to have more and can afford + cope with another child or another set of twins, go for it. I've got 3 children and I feel like my family is complete. I didn't feel complete when we had stopped at 2.

I have three, no multiples. And I think I’m done. I get that yearning feeling often but today I looked at my youngest who is so lovely and completely unplanned (we sort of thought number three would be a few years down the line) and I feel like she has completed us. It feels like she has perfectly ended our family.