To ask for advice on balancing career with childcare

[careervschildcare]

Posting for traffic in the hope that others have battled with the same decisions. NC as the details are outing.

DD is 1 month old, DS is nearly 2. I am starting to panic about figuring out childcare for September (I know this is a while away, but childcare options where I live book up really fast, often before babies are born).

I typed out the full context but realised it was boring/probably not relevant. My options come down to:

Going down from 4 to 3 days per week so that I can cover childcare myself, alongside my mum, DH and an au pair.

Putting 9 month old in nursery 2 days a week, or hiring a nanny for 2 days a week.

Financially, we would be about equal either way. I am the higher earner and always will be (DH is retraining to become a teacher). Career wise, going down to 3 days would be challenging - I would still be doing the same amount of work just nominally over fewer days (I know this because I've already dropped from 5 days to 4).

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Don’t forget when your eldest turns 3 (well the term after) you’ll get your 30 free hours. That dropped our FT nursery bill by about £250 a month.

Oh and in defence of nurseries, over nannies here... will depend on part if you can share pick up and drop with your DH. I’m the higher earner so did all drop offs and DH did the pick ups. Nannies around here are significantly more expensive than nursery, when you consider tax\NI etc, unless you were prepared to use a very inexperienced, unqualified one which we weren’t. An amazing (expensive!) nanny is clearly great but they are usually on 4 weeks’ notice and if they are sick (horror stories from friends about both the above as being left in lurch). And you are an employer which gives its own stresses - admin/sick/maternity pay etc. Nurseries are always open - if you have well children, then I think they are much more reliable. My kids also has a ball with a huge number of activities and are hugely resilient - both now at school.

If you are really career driven I would stick a 4 days and use a nursery. They get lots of social interaction in a nursery and cover all year round even if the staff are sick. If you end up working that extra day anyway I would up my hours, might aswell get paid for them.

Although a nanny this might better from a Covid POV as you are less likely to self isolate.

If you are really struggling I read this recently and I found it useful. Picture yourself retired and sat in your living room. What would be your biggest life regrets? Not having another child, not going for a promotion, missing out on younger years when the kids are little? I found this helped me understand what my big regrets would be to make a decision about returning to work and whether I did PT or FT.

Both DH and I work fulltime and use an excellent nursery. By both working 5 days we have the flexibility to work shorter days/DH can work from home if needed at short notice. I do drop off and pick up most days. If I worked fewer days I’d have to miss bedtime sometimes and would end up bringing work home with me. This way I never bring stuff home and the weekends are quality family time.

What are the difference in hours if you work three rather than four days?

I work four days a week, but they’re four short days and the equivalent of three full time days. My son found short days at nursery much easier, it also means with a small juggle my partner walks him to school meaning no breakfast club, I am also able to slot my lunch break on to the end of the day so he only needs 30 minutes of after school club.

You’re v fortunate to have some extended family help. Nanny best option for a year or two if funds allow IMO.

Going PT would be likely to have a negative impact on your work and earnings, I certainly found that. Fathers who are the higher earner almost never go PT.

I am the one with high paid career compared to DH in my household. I cannot drop a day though and have to work 5 days

I'm due twins next month - I had their spaces reserved with a childminder when I got to 12 weeks.....not sure why you didn't organise something similar if you knew childcare options were limited and book up fast?

I'd use the nursery option? I looked into au pairs but wasn't comfortable with the idea and Nannies are hugely expensive. At least with nursery it is a controlled and reliable (hopefully) environment

I think we are missing some key information here. How part time is your DH planning on working? Which days is he going to cover childcare? Can he reduce his hours to cover the childcare rather than you as you earn more? I found it a lot easier leaving DS as a baby knowing he was with his Dad, than I would have done leaving him with paid childcare.

Agree, with PP. Need to know DH's plans

Don’t reduce your days
That’s my only advice
As you are higher earner

Sitting next to a headteacher here. He says there are plenty of part time NQT roles, so your DH shouldn't have an issue, does that help?

If he’s qualifying as a teacher I presume he’s full time..teaching seems to be one of the worse for part time, apart from more senior, though holidays are covered..

Part time teaching means you stagnate, you're only ever the jobshare or cover. I had that for years, wouldn't go part tube again.

The point is, what can you accept to sacrifice? Ask yourself (and your dh) leading questions to try and arrive at what you are prepared to accept.

People have more than one career nowadays, the baby days are gone forever. But plenty of loving dedicated parents make time up in other ways... quality not quantity.

I remember asking my childcarer at time, do not tell me if my dc walks or does the obvious “firsts” . I knew it was likely I just wanted to believe I’d seen it first.
dare

Dare I say it, but can your dh do more? This has to balanced (imho) with who becomes the primary carer , if, if, you spilt up, he may have good grounds for asking you to be the non resident parent since he was the sahp.
Perhaps another option could be to look at other companies with more scope??
I don’t envy you. I’m out the other side and am embarking on a new career now , it’s challenging whatever path you take. Good luck 🍀 .

I would opt for some (or all nursery, but sounds like you are set on the au pair) and working whatever amount you need to in order to be fairly paid for the hours you do. Mine both went to nursery from 9 months and it worked great. For the first one, my salary contribution didn't add much more to our household finances after the costs of nursery, but by the time the 2nd one came along, I was making twice my previous salary because I was able to put in that time to progress. It was very worth it.

But I would go with the option that means you are paid for what you work. I have too many colleagues who are 'part time' but work through family holidays, 5am starts, staying up til 3-4am to get work done that they should be doing during normal working hours but their workload is more than their contracted hours now that they are 'part time'. They are frazzled and a mess and I can only imagine how little quality time they have with their children in all their 'free time' which isn't really free. So I would set yourself up to get paid for what you work, even if it means extra childcare in the short term.

Thank you all for your comments and experiences - it really helps. I'll try to answer the questions without boring everyone!

DH is in the final year of a degree and is doing teacher training alongside. We had DS partway through his first year so he looked after him full time over his long summer break (I went back to work when DS was 4 months) and then he and my mum together looked after him during his second year, around his classes. I'm now on maternity leave with our second who is 1 month old. I will go back to work a couple of days a week from home in April, then back 4 days per week from August.

I already WFH 2 days per week and am in the office 2 days per week. This hasn't hindered my career progress too much - I've had a fairly hefty promotion since being back after DS.

I would quite like DH to be able to start his teaching career full-time rather than part-time as he's already old for an NQT. My mum is happy to do 2 full days with both kids (the days I'm in the office) so that leaves me my 2 WFH days to cover. I can be flexible on those days in terms of when I work, but I do need to get 8-10 hours of work time in somewhere

That sounds like it puts a lot of pressure on you. I am sure there must be part time jobs available for teachers aren't there? I'd give serious consideration to that as an option. Otherwise you are in danger of being overloaded and ending up trying to do it all., which doesn't seem fair.

@Barbie222

Part time teaching means you stagnate, you're only ever the jobshare or cover. I had that for years, wouldn't go part tube again.

@Barbie222

Depends on your head teacher. Anyway that's what a woman in this situation would be expected to do. OP is the higher earner, her working day gets priority.

@Barbie222

Part time teaching means you stagnate, you're only ever the jobshare or cover. I had that for years, wouldn't go part tube again.

Not the case in Secondary - I have been part time for 5 years and definitely not stagnated, moved school and lead an element of a core subject, have whole school responsibilities and rarely do cover.

I would keep the 4 days that you are already doing. You will be less stressed getting your work done, and then you can focus more on quality time at home. Financially you will gain after your oldest gets some free hours, plus there are the pension contributions and the higher chance of career progression.

I have worked 4 days for the last 5 years while my DC were young. When I had just one DC, it was all relatively easy to balance - 3 days nursery, 1 day grandparents, and an engaging but not all-consuming job. I gained experience but wasn't a high flyer.

After DC 2 it became much harder to balance, job the same but very intense at home with illness, starting school etc. I was getting bored with my job but couldn't see anyway of putting in extra hours or moving to full time. I don't think a nanny would have helped, as the 2 days per week when grandparents were helping we're still super busy when I got home.

My youngest is now 3 and I have recently got a promotion which I've taken full-time. It will be busy but I think less stressful as I will now have 5 clear days to get work done rather than squeezing increasing amounts of work into 4. The DC are old enough to cope with more time in childcare.

Can you do compressed hours to allow you to get 100% pay (if this is what you're used to) but over 4 days? I have colleagues who do this and it works out as 90ish mins extra per day (if you're really clock watching!) which is quite easy to do, particularly from home as you can use your commute time to work. I'm also going to be doing it from Jan, but with 1 day off each fortnight (my husband will do the other week) as I didn't see the point in taking a 20% pay cut to still do the same amount of work.

Personally I’d stick to 4 days, you definitely end up working on your days off otherwise for no financial gain. In addition I would also rather opt for nursery. I don’t think you can put a price on social interaction between young kids. Especially if you have a 3 year old - these interactions will be so important for preparing for school which is scary to think about at 3 - but it’ll come around so fast!!

I think you’ve answered your own question here where you say you’d love more time with them. I was in the exact same situation as you. I went down from 4 days to 3 days (compressed though so do 4 days worth) by charging job. I love the extra time with my kids. My thinking is that I can go up a day or two later if I want, I do think it does short term career damage (which is unfair but that’s another thread!). They are small for such a short time, if you want the extra time with them and can make it work then go for it, I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Honestly I’d have given my right arm to have known my kids were 2 days with grandparents and only 2 in nursery. I’d stick with 4 days and see how it goes. I think you’d only end up working on your day off.

I say to my friends we must remember how bloody hard juggling is when we are grandmothers. My mum never worked and although I had ad hoc help I looked longingly at those friends who had grandparents who would hell.