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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Expecting too much?

19 replies

leiaskye · 27/12/2020 19:39

Growing up, I was expected to help a lot around the house. I’m talking cleaning the front room every week, (& not being allowed out or get my pocket money until I had done so) & making tea every night for the family from age 13. Plus many ad-hoc requests such as cleaning the kitchen by myself as my mums friends we’re coming over!

During school holidays, I had to get up before my mum left for work & ensure the list of tasks she had written for me was completed before she got homes

I also walked & fed the dog regularly. Plus ironed my school uniform every week.

At the time this all felt like a great injustice & I regularly argued with my mum about it. I had 3 sisters & we were all expected to do similar amounts.

When I became a parent, I made sure I didn’t treat my children the same way.

I do however, expect them to keep their bedrooms tidy & wash up each night. They are 10 & 13. They get a bit more pocket money if they do this.

The bone of contention however, is cooking.

I asked them to help me this evening. The plan was gammon & chicken pie made from scratch.

Both kids refused to help.

When I was finally dishing out the food, a ridiculous argument over bread sticks tipped me over the edge.

However, apparently I am being unreasonable & my expectations of what they should be doing is too close to my mums of me (it’s really not). No-one should expect children of this age to help make tea.

I see it as not only helping me, but a life lesson. They need to know how to cook, surely.

Just to be clear, it is DH who is saying I’m being unreasonable. He does help me sometimes. This is not about him, but about the children helping (or not).

So, Aibu in wanting the kids to help me make tea once in a while?

OP posts:
questionsquestions100 · 27/12/2020 19:48

You're not being unreasonable at all. It's great and they should learn to cook. You're teaching valuable life skills. Try to make it fun for them somehow. I don't know how though ! But it will be so useful if they know how to do a bit of basic stuff !

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 19:50

You're not being unreasonable. It is an important life skill, and also, as children get older, yes, they should learn to be more like a contributing adult in an age appropriate manner, to the household team, rather than being kept in a infantilised, everything done for them, state.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2020 19:52

I don't see anything wrong with what your mum did Grin

If you're on school holidays and she's out working of course she would leave you a list of things to do to keep you out of mischief

leiaskye · 27/12/2020 19:57

@lauriefairycake

I was far too scared of my mum to get into mischief!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 19:58

YANBU, but perhaps you need to reevaluate your approach. Cooking should be fun for kids, not another chore. However, your children refusing to help you when asked is completely unacceptable. You are the parent, your request was more than reasonable, and they need to do as they are told. Your husband should have your back about this.

partyatthepalace · 27/12/2020 20:00

Good for them to help for sure.

Slightly surprised by description of DP ‘helping’ given he is an adult and would presumably produce some meals. Or is that because he does other tasks and cooking is your thing?

HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 20:00

I think I wouldn't have cooked at all, if they weren't prepared to help. They could make themselves some toast. It's your holiday as well as theirs.

HTH1 · 27/12/2020 20:02

Your mother sounds seriously lazy!

leiaskye · 27/12/2020 20:02

Thank you @questionsquestions100, & @mbosnz.

That's exactly how I feel about it.
My eldest to be fair, can do a little cooking (spag Bol, fajitas), but doesn't seem interested in anything else & the 10 year old couldn't care less.

I don't dress it up as teaching them. I know that won't get their attention. I try to make it fun, & sometimes offer them dessert for helping. But even that doesn't always work!

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/12/2020 20:05

YANBU, it’s important for kids to contribute in some way and cooking is also an important life skill for them to learn.

Are they always dead against helping with cooking, or is it certain dishes? Could you ask them what they want for dinner and they might be more enthusiastic about getting involved (maybe something like making your own pizzas etc?).

I think it can be hard to get the balance right - we don’t want our kids to loaf about and not lift a finger but equally we don’t want them on their hands and knees scrubbing floors for hours a day. Sometimes it’s trial and error finding the middle ground for your family, but there’s nothing with with kids helping out.

leiaskye · 27/12/2020 20:06

@partyatthepalace

DH is not very good at cooking, & usually works 60 hour week (I work 28), so I don't mind that he doesn't really cook.

As I said. This is not about him, regardless of the terminology used.

OP posts:
leiaskye · 27/12/2020 20:09

@sparklesocks

They didn't even know what I was making tonight when I asked, but what you say does make sense.

Other nights when it's something like want too (chilli, macaroni cheese, etc), they will help.

I have told DH that I am not making tea tomorrow or even deciding what we are having. Wonder what culinary delight I'm in for!

OP posts:
ButterMeUpScotty · 27/12/2020 20:10

You’re the parent, you say help that should be the end of it.I wouldn’t stand for anything less. And believe me, my youngest is painfully defiant and lazy so I know what you are up against. But nothing else for it!

ButterMeUpScotty · 27/12/2020 20:11

On a Sunday my DH and sons are to make all food for everyone. So far today there has been an UberEats and a Just. Eat delivery. It is painful but it’s still not be doing it, and they are starting to get the picture of what needs to happen!

Lemmeout · 27/12/2020 20:15

10 is young to help with cooking unless they want to.
Your mum was lazy . However perhaps she kept you busy to ward off trouble ??

nosswith · 27/12/2020 20:26

Not unreasonable but perhaps expectations should have been set at a younger age.

BlueThistles · 27/12/2020 20:36

it's called life skills OP.. teaching cleanliness and hygiene it's just caring .. we cooked together.. all those little things your Mum insisted you helped with start making sense when you get your own place... not everyone aspires to living in a dump... Flowers

zzizz · 27/12/2020 20:51

I genuinely think all kids should have regular chores - when you're older it's just called life and the people who know how to look after themselves have a huge headstart.

BlueThistles · 27/12/2020 23:13

@zzizz

I genuinely think all kids should have regular chores - when you're older it's just called life and the people who know how to look after themselves have a huge headstart.
I agree Xmas Smile
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