Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum doesn’t like my boyfriend/baby’s father

16 replies

Dahmar · 27/12/2020 12:08

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a while now, we’re both 18 and we have a 6month old (I knowHmm)

My father and his side of the family are very fond of him and are always praising him for doing a good job etc, he is an amazing dad to our DD.
However...my mums side doesn’t like him, my grandmother constantly criticised him from the moment she was born. He’s holding her wrong, he’s feeding her wrong, he’s not playing with her correctly, mind you, he has 6 younger siblings and everything he did was correct.
My sister straight up ignores him even when he tries to talk to her, and my mother in one of her many drunken episodes accused him of cheating on me (I won’t go into details but the story was literally impossible)
It’s no secret that my mums (apart from my mum) side are pretty racist, my boyfriend is black Jamaican, and it angers me to no end the way my sister will talk badly about black people in front of him and my half black daughter.
It breaks my heart to see him hurting, and I’d never want them to say anything bad about him or be so nasty in front of my daughter.
I just want to leave, but it would mean being put in a mother and baby unit, I think it’s for the best though, I’d do anything for my little family to be happy.
I guess I just need some opinions from other people.
I try and shut them down when they are like that, but I don’t want to be kicked out without having other plans in place.

OP posts:
audweb · 27/12/2020 12:15

Oh I feel for you. I’m older with a bi racial daughter but I know if any of my family had been openly racist in front of her dad or her I would have to cut them off from her, but it would have been easy in the sense that I was older and already had my own house and money. However, in your shoes I would be finding a way to distance myself as your daughter is a priority and does not need to grow up surrounded by family who are racist towards her and her dad. Would your father help and support you if you spoke to him about it? Would your mum and sister re think their views if you explained? Where can you build a support system that doesn’t involve them?

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/12/2020 12:19

You’d fee better if you had a plan in place.

If that’s a mother a baby unit then why not take it? I’m assuming you’d be surrounded by woman in the same situation as yourself?

Are you both working or still in college etc? Can you approach the council for housing? Depends where you are but worth getting on a list of sorts.

You could move somewhere cheaper?

YouBoughtMeAWall · 27/12/2020 12:21

You do need to leave OP because you can’t raise your child in a racist home. That’s not an option. So yes, leaving is what you must do. Why would you be in a mum and baby unit? Can’t you and your partner rent a place? Do you both work?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 12:25

You need to leave.

Mother (parent) and baby units are lovely around here (London) but they're also like Unicorn's teeth as they're in very high demand.

Also, your mum would have to be prepared to tell them she's kicking you all out.

speakout · 27/12/2020 12:26

Move out.

ChristmasAlone · 27/12/2020 12:31

Get a plan of action together and leave a hostile environment like that is no place to bring a child up. It may even lead to DP leaving you. My grandparents are old and have several times made comments about foreign people in front of DP (not directed at), luckily DP had always laughed it off and understands they don't mean it in a malice way towards them. But I can't imagine what it must feel like to here stuff like that. Luckily DP gets on really well with Grandparents.

hardboiledeggs · 27/12/2020 12:31

Unfortunately you may have to put up with it until you find somewhere else to live, just in case they kick you out. Sorry that they are being so horrible, I hope you can move out soon.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/12/2020 12:34

What is the living arrangement? It sounds like you are all living at your mums? There is probably a lot of resentment and I think you are expecting miracles if you think any mother would be thrilled to have her 18 year old daughter pregnant and dependent on her. The racism however is unacceptable and a toxic environment for your child. Can you not live with other family?

Original poster
Dahmar · 27/12/2020 12:37

Thank you all for your replies, I know I have to leave, my DP is in college and I stay home, we live in west London, rent is so expensive here and the council list is so long, but it’s where his family is, and I wouldn’t dream of moving him and my DD away from his family.
I know I have to leave, it’s just a scary prospect.
I’ve spoken to DP and he said we could stay with his family for the time being, there’s 8 of them in a four bed so it’ll be tight but, I refuse to have them talk to him like that, they love DD but seem to ignore the fact she’s half black, I guess I’d hoped that after she was born they would change how the felt but they haven’t.
I know I’d be okay as I have my partner and his family.
Thank you honestly for the replies, I guess I hoped I could salvage something but, I doubt I can.

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 27/12/2020 12:40

What is your financial situation? Are either of you working? Can you get help from the council re housing, if you explain you are in a situation where there is racial abuse, they might be able to prioritize you?

Why not go to the supported housing for young mums, if you've been offered that?

You cannot raise your child in a racist family, you just can't.

speakout · 27/12/2020 12:40

I am sorry that you are in this situation.
Unfortunely when we become a parent that commes with responsibility of having to provide shelter and a safe stable environment for the child.

Original poster
Dahmar · 27/12/2020 12:41

I’m not dependent on my mother, she’s alcoholic and I haven’t lived with her since I was 13, I live with my grandmother, and my sister. My mother sometimes stays when she isn’t drinking.
I don’t doubt they’re not thrilled, but I offered to leave they then told me to stay, they can’t then use that against me.
It doesn’t excuse talking to my daughter and my DP in that way, I’ve worked for years before having her, both in shops and doing music in studios, we live of my savings and money that my DP gives me for her they haven’t spent anything on her and I make sure that having her hasn’t affected them in any way.

OP posts:
InTheDrunkTank · 27/12/2020 12:42

That sounds awful OP. If you can't move out immediately I would make plans to in the future. I would also make sure your boyfriend knows you support him 100% and discuss together how you will deal with your family. If they're racist it's unlikely they'll grow to like him any time soon whatever either of you say or do so decide between you how you want to deal with them.

Original poster
Dahmar · 27/12/2020 12:43

We’ve decided that we will be leaving as soon as possible, I just hoped I could save something between my DD and them, but it’s best I get out as soon as possible, before they remembers any of it and before my DP has enough.

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/12/2020 12:48

Good decision - your DD deserves better. Lots of good luck with your move.

SweetPetrichor · 27/12/2020 13:20

Nothing useful to add but good luck. Sounds like moving out is the best thing for you, your DP and DD.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread