Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU soon to be xh abandoned us for a year and is now returning?

24 replies

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 01:02

Hi everyone,

A year ago my H left me and my son (4) with no warning, he went to work and never came home, for days I begged him to come home but he said no. My parents asked him to come back and he said no, he left the country for a year.

Although I am not divorced from him yet we have been seperated since that day and I have made it clear we are getting divorced. Today he came back and is now demanding to see our son.

He cheated on me multiple times and threatned violence against me but I have no proof of the violence because we was alone at the time.

My big question is, is it unreasonable for me to deny his access until I take him to a custody meeting in perhaps two months time, to set an arrangement or sorts?. I just worry for my sons mental health, this has been a hard year for everyone but on top of Covid, he has had to deal with loosing his father for no good reason.

To me personaly I belive him to be unstable and a flight risk, im worried he will take my child and leave the country. I also have the issue of not wanting to see the man that abandoned us both.

Also a side note on backstory. We we're happily married so I thought, It turns out he hates my family and how close I am with them and that was his reason for leaving his child.

I apologise for any spelling errors

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2020 01:04

You need to seek legal advice. There are things like prohibited steps orders to prevent a child being taken overseas. Is the country a Hague convention country?

PishFood · 27/12/2020 01:07

It sounds like a contact centre is the way forward but not sure if these are functioning at present.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/12/2020 01:11

As your son is so young, it is in his best interests to build up slowly the relationship with his dad. His dad has been absent for a quarter of his life
I would propose mediation and be asking for short supervised visits to start, with perhaps FaceTime in between, building up the length of time and frequency.

He needs to prove he will stick around.
If he is not happy with that proposal he can take you to court and argue why the level of contact he proposes is in the best interests of your son.
I would not permit contact until mediation has taken place

Original poster

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 01:12

Yes It is a Hague Convention country.
It's my own fault for not knowing, I should seek legal advice asap.
I began to worry because I had been told by others mothers because he is indeed his biological father he has rights to take him and leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 01:15

@Rainbowqueeen I was thinking the same thing, mediation and supervised visits. He isn't happy with it at all so I suggested we should go to court in that case.

The only problem is my son remembers one big memory of his father shouting at me and every time I suggest a face time my son declines because he says he doesn't like him shouting.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2020 01:24

Red flag that he suddenly turns up after a year demanding to see your DS. I would be pretty worried whether he was going to attempt to take him. Maybe he’s now set himself up somewhere and feels in a position to have your son with him. Be careful OP.

scotsllb · 27/12/2020 01:27

You are not unreasonable to deny access. He can go and sort access if he wants to do so.
If you fear he is a flight risk then don't take the risk or you will never forgive yourself.
He abandoned his son and left you to pick up the pieces, you owe him no favours.
Do what you feel is right for you.

SuperHighway · 27/12/2020 01:28

Tell him to get lost. He can go for court ordered access if he really wants to, but he won't. That would be far too much trouble.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2020 01:37

The only problem is my son remembers one big memory of his father shouting at me and every time I suggest a face time my son declines because he says he doesn't like him shouting.

I wonder if it's worth having a counsellor or nursery employee, basically any trusted adult, hear that.

Original poster

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 01:46

@MrsTerryPratchett my son saw a counsellor earlier this year and told them he didn't want to speak with his father. He is no longer in counselling, but he does have a nanny whom he spends a few hours out of the week with and he told her the same thing. Forgive my lack of knowlage but would that make them like witnesses to his statement. I'm worried I'll be accused of making it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 01:47

@Livelovebehappy @scotsllb @SuperHighway Thank you all so much for your opinions i really needed them and it means a lot.

OP posts:

CoffeeCreamandSugar · 27/12/2020 01:49

No I wouldn’t be giving him unsupervised access. I would definitely seek legal advice

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/12/2020 02:01

You are not being unreasonable to deny him access. You would be unreasonable to just give in to his demands given his erratic behaviour and the clear demonstration that he doesn't put your DS first.

I began to worry because I had been told by others mothers because he is indeed his biological father he has rights to take him and leave.

They may have been referring to the fact that if he has parental responsibility and you don't have a court order, there is little the police can do if your ex takes your DS. So it's important to get legal advice asap so you can get appropriate court orders in place if you think he may take try and DS from you even though you've said "No".

Original poster

Redcupcake · 27/12/2020 02:03

@BoomBoomsCousin Thank you so much for making that a bit clearer for me on the 'what others have told me' as soon as the holidays are over and everywhere opens up again I plan to seek legal advice. Thank you

OP posts:

twilightermummy · 27/12/2020 02:05

Christ, this situation has made me quite worried for you. When I first read this I was going to warn you that it is likely he will continue to drop in and out of your son's life. It's not like he's tried hard to gain access through the right avenues. However, you are absolutely right that he is a flight risk. I'd withhold any contact except through a contact centre - supervision with a 3rd mutual party would be too risky. I'd also ensure that he didn't know who the nanny was. If you are renting, I'd also suggest that you move address.
The family courts often get things wrong so I'd keep reiterating the fact that he is a flight risk and don't trust him or underestimate him.

Funneth · 27/12/2020 02:10

He sound like a nutter. Just ignore him as he did to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 02:14

Block him and have no further contact outside of court. Hell would freeze over before I would let my child see him. If he wants access, he can take action through the courts.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 02:35

Lots of good advice, I'd get the legal advice.

You are doing the right thing protecting your son.

Mamanyt · 27/12/2020 03:44

Seek competent legal advice immediately, and request supervised visitation only. Speak with your solicitor, and let them know the story (which of course, you will), and why your XH is a flight risk where your son in concerned.

Taikoo · 27/12/2020 05:05

He sounds dangerous.
Get legal advice.

Isthatitnow · 27/12/2020 09:43

Do you have a passport for your child? If not, it would be sensible to get one as they only require one parent’s signature. If you do have one, my first move would be to lodge it with someone you trust that you know would never give it to your ex if it came to it - many separated parents use a solicitor for this.

Have a look at reunite.org for advice and reassurance.

You need a solicitor onside. Mediation is your first port of call and then a court order. Try not to worry. Judges have seen this kind of thing a million times.

Babymamamama · 27/12/2020 09:57

In your shoes I would actually ring the social care Children’s services emergency duty team and get their advice. Tell them how worried you are, that you are victim of DV that you are worried he is unstable etc etc. Actively ask for their help as they may be able to plug you into the system for supervised contact which could make things a lot safer. Also get some legal advice. Follow your instinct though if you think it’s unsafe then it may well be so.

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 27/12/2020 09:57

Is it possible to stay with family for the time being?

Babymamamama · 27/12/2020 09:58

Mediation isn’t always the first port of call if there has been abuse or violence.

Flip