To be irrationally irritated by the "only on Mumsnet" riposte?

[thepeopleversuswork]

You see this on almost every thread: someone pops up to say: "I've only ever seen this on Mumsnet, I've never heard of this in real life." Or the bitching about how privileged or metropolitan people are on Mumsnet. I just don't think this is fair.

Don't get me wrong, Mumsnet can be incredibly irritating at times: some threads upset me and some get nasty and turn into spiteful pile-ons (particularly on AIBU). And people can be sanctimonious or downright bitchy and often bring their baggage to the table. And so on.

But the one thing you can say for MN is that all (English-speaking) human life is here: you get a massively diverse range of opinion from people from all walks of life. I've seen posts from people on here who are clearly extremely erudite and some who are obviously well connected and others from people who are barely literate and really struggling with life.

You may get skews on some threads (eg people who've had unpleasant divorces on relationships etc). And obviously men, and arguably ethnic minorities, are under-represented here. It's also true that the internet amplifies strong opinions because of the anonymity.

But overall this is an incredibly diverse group of women much more so than you'd get in the average magazine and most of us are bloody lucky to have access to this broad a group of people to communicate with. I have no problem with people criticising MN but this strikes me as a lazy cliché from people who can't think of any other way to disagree with people.

One thing which I genuinely have learned on Mumsnet is that people have this weird fastidiousness about couples who don't live together and this insistence that if you don't share a home with someone you don't have the right to call your partner your partner.

This is just bizarre: I think its a hangover from a 1950s era insistence on marriage: the people who back then would have been shocked about people "living in sin" are now shocked about people not living in sin: the key bellwether of a happy and mutually respectful relationship is to be having to share a mortgage, split bills and wash someone's socks for them.

Now that was an eye-opener to me.

I don't answer my door (fear of past life debt collectors)
I have a toilet brush
I can't afford to go on holiday (although reading a thread recently where posters has cancelled 8 holidays this year, and how were they going to cope made me)

But genuinely, the only thing I haven't encountered in read life is the people who don't text back for weeks at a time and think it's totally normal

‘Irrational‘ and ‘unreasonable’ mean essentially the same thing. So if you think your irritation is irrational, how could it be simultaneously reasonable?

@BigBadVoodooHat

‘Irrational‘ and ‘unreasonable’ mean essentially the same thing. So if you think your irritation is irrational, how could it be simultaneously reasonable?

It's a fair cop!

[quote Ponoka7]@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping, the difference is that you know they exist because food banks exist.

Posters put things as though they are the norm, but a lot of things on MN aren't.[/quote]
they are not YOUR norm

but I find it puzzling when posters think they have such an extensive life experience that they can comment on what is THE norm. You can say that some things are common, or that everybody around you do xyz to explain why certain things are not outrageous to you, but refusing to admit that other folks have completely different lives and belief?

I could say "only on MN" have I heard so many people dead against having guests over or staying with friends or family. We are more a "friend of a friend or a cousin" is close enough and have been known to get a set of keys when we are away! So it's not my experience, but I don't refuse to accept the whole world is happy with weekends with friends.

Depends who you’re friends with doesn’t it. I find some of the behaviour described on here completely baffling. Also for all there might be some diversity in this site, I think my demographic is largely absent (I’m essentially what MN would consider a woke millennial hipster) and I also know a lot of young parents who are not represented at all by the concerns on here 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think there’s certainly a profile that the majority of users fall into. I just take it all with a pinch of salt. I am quite glad that irl people are less likely to display some of the horrible judgemental ness that appears on here though.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

There many things I read about on here that I never come across in real life If I comment on that it's not a lazy cliche it's an observation.

same here
and many things I didn't know were a thing

But that’s not “only on mumsnet”, it’s “oh fancy, people do things differently to me and my circle”.

I agree, OP. I always think people who say this are just very provincial.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Oh come on. Genuinely, in all of my years, I have never heard anyone else complain when you've got tradesmen in and one of them needs to use the toilet. On mumsnet, it's disgusting for them to use the toilet. Back in the real world, it's a fucking toilet.

And not answering the door? Never met anyone who wouldn't answer the door. But mumsnet is full of them.

tons of people would complain if a visitor came into their house and left the toilet in a dirty state.

Fine if they use it, but I don't want to clear up afterwards. Surely that's what people are complaining about?

Even if a tradesman used my loo and left it in a state what would be the point of starting a thread on MN complaining about it be?

Sparklingbrook
what's the point of MN at all?

People make joke threads, vent, talk about any nonsense. MN is the perfect place to express irritation against anything.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

Sparklingbrook what's the point of MN at all?

People make joke threads, vent, talk about any nonsense. MN is the perfect place to express irritation against anything.

Yes I do sometimes wonder that but if you choose threads carefully this place can be really fun. Not all about shitty loos or bathroom bins and wondering if you are conversing with the poo troll on every thread.

Haha I haven’t seen any threads about not answering the door but my (very antisocial) parents used to do that. Their attitude was “Whoever it is, we don’t want to talk to them” so we would all have to hide until the person went away!

I tend not to look at threads about things I consider non-issues like whether a workman uses your toilet, but if anybody cares, I do think you should take your shoes off in the house. I am a bit when someone walks in in their outdoor shoes while my baby daughter is crawling around on the floor (though I am less anxious about it with her than I was with her older sibling because she gets so mucky anyway). I also never touch anything in public toilets (except the tap and the soap dispenser if they’re not automatic) but I’m not that neurotic about it. It’s just what I do. I’m not bothered about what other people do.

I think overall Mumsnet reflects the range of people we have in the UK. Not necessarily people we know in real life. It shows how many of us think our experiences are the norm when they are clearly not. Especially the more privileged ones among us - it doesn’t seem to have ever occurred to them that not everyone has what they have. I always find it amusing when someone is struggling with childcare and someone else suggests they get a nanny, as if everybody can afford to do that, or when someone’s kid is acting up and someone else says “Could you take away his iPad?” taking it completely for granted that the kid has one.

The other thing that always shocks me is how much shit some women put up with from their so-called partners. I’m baffled as to why their expectations are so low. But I know that’s the same in real life too.

(Not talking about domestic violence situations but just low-level stuff like their partner being - or pretending to be - useless at everything).

@burnoutbabe

Generally, the threads are "he asked to use my toilet. Doesnt he know that just iant appropriate?" Or "I had workmen in upstairs and one of them used the toilet without asking me first".
Its ridiculous.

I've lived in south africa, america and Scotland and I used to work as a psychology. Never met anyone with those opinions... but they're all over mumsnet.

*psychologist

It is nothing special about MN. It is just a lot of different people so you obviously see things that you don't see in real life. Eg not a single child on this private estate goes to a state school and if you see a state school child in uniform in Waitrose that is unusual. I know I live in this slightly separate well off world and I know 92% of children go to state schools and that here at home is different so when I see lots of people going to state schools on MN I don't say "only on MN" of course but there will be lots of other things people never see. Eg about half of us support the Conservatives and the other half Tory. I voted remain and I genuinely have not chatted to a single breixteer until I went to give a speech in Leicester and every single person in the audience was in favour of brexit so I as ever was totally neutral in public.

This is the good thing about MN - different kinds of women listen and learn things from each other.

I know someone in real life who didn’t answer her front door in RL

I dont like the phrase because it’s obviously not just on MN ....its in RL cos RL people are saying it

No one has ever said "my husband was doing his hobby" to me IRL. Because no one talks like that. Just fucking say running. It's the most annoying symptom of MN. Running / cycling / tennis / gaming are not rare and sharing that your other half has gone for a jog won't out you. I

Sorry - I realise this thread wasn't about catharsis but ah well. It's made me feel better.

No one has ever said "my husband was doing his hobby" to me IRL.

I am guessing that IRL you are not anonymous and disclosing your DH hobby/job/car/name/photo is not "identifying" as people already know him

Eg about half of us support the Conservatives and the other half Tory.

@Xenia I can’t decide if this is funnier if you mean this as written or if you meant to write “Labour”...

@NaughtipussMaximus

Eg about half of us support the Conservatives and the other half Tory.

@Xenia I can’t decide if this is funnier if you mean this as written or if you meant to write “Labour”...

It’s wishful thinking - Xenia would love a world where that was true!😉

I actually think the boyfriend/partner thing can be misleading. There was a thread the other day about a woman saying that her partner wouldn't let her do something in the home. Then on further questioning it turned out that they didnt live together and he was the one paying the bills on his place so was saying no because of the cost. By saying partner, it did sound as though they lived together so she should have had equal say in the decisions.

Oops, yes Freudian slip there... MN certainly has its share of Labour voters.

I agree partner can be very dangerous a word - eg on the relationships and divorce/legal columns there is a massive difference in your position depending on whether you have a live in other half or a spouse so just using partner can be misleading as it can on business discussions as a partnership is under the Partnership Act 1890 which is different again from two people who own shares in a limited company who are in the eyes of the law a "partnership".

The whole point is that anonymity of MN enables people to say what they really do/think that they couldn't say out loud to people they know offline.

So if people say they don't answer the door or that letting tradesmen use their toilet is annoying, etc it's not 'ONLY ON MN' (as though people don't actually do/think that way) but it's something they can only admit to online unless they know people who are honest about what they do/think.

Ergo, the people you know, who you think don't do this or think that, may well do but they've never told you.